who's on judge mathis today? #268

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: adrena from maywood, illinois. adrena stomps down the courtroom catwalk in a cropped black denim jacket over a black scoopneck bodysuit which is under a gauzy blouse with a cowl neck that is open to her waist. she’s topped off this outfit with a metallic orange lipstick and matching crinkle wig and i love her so much i could scream.

defendant: jimmy and sherrica from chicago, illinois. now wait a damn minute. i’m not sure whether or not my eyes are deceiving me but jimmy appears to be wearing a v-neck tshirt over a dress shirt and tie??? okay wait, on second glance there’s no tie, but there’s definitely a shirt-on-shirt situation and, i don’t know, the more i stare at it the more i’m into it. jimmy is sporting a black sportcoat with a subtle sheen to it and miss sherrica is positively stunning in a leopard print blouse cinched with a wide statement belt paired with a black silk blazer and leather leggings. there is so much fashion in this courtroom today i can hardly breathe!!

the complaint: adrena says she’s suing her brother and his wife because she loaned them bail money when jimmy was arrested and they have yet to repay her.

what does she want: $680 (too much to shake out of the couch cushions, almost not enough to sit in downtown chicago traffic to recoup)

how it went down: adrena begins by saying “i will always love my brother” and that is very nice. if i was suing my sister i would begin by saying “your honor, in 1987 this idiot stepped on and broke my beloved jem and the holograms rockin’ roadster with a built-in working (!!!) fm radio inside the trunk (the 80s were so great ugh) and i do believe it was on purpose because she is a bitch, sorry for swearing, and i’m suing her for one toys ‘r’ us gift card.” we are not nice sisters!!!!!!!!!

adrena continues, lamenting that she and jimmy used to be so close until he started acting like an asshole to her. the judge is like “what changed?” and as adrena opens her mouth to answer the camera cuts to jimmy’s podium where sherrica has her eyes rolled so far back into her skull her irises are barely visible. is it too early to guess that she might be ~the change~ jimmy went through? jimmy jumps in to say that yes he and his sister had been close all their lives, but adrena’s problem with him is that when they talk to each other he cusses and she finds his language disrespectful.

i am wasting too many sentences on this but i am obsessed with adult sibling dynamics and it feels nuts to me that jimmy can’t curse around his younger sister??? i’m rubbing my hands like birdman just thinking about the despicable torrent of hot bile that would come pouring out of my mouth if my sister dared to police my speech. i would start cussing every other word any time she walked in the room! the judge asks adrena if his cursing is a new thing and she says it is and the judge says to jimmy “what happened, did you join the navy or something?” turns out he hadn’t, jimmy just heard the word “fuck” for the first time as a fully grown middle aged fucking man and it’s so fucking fun to say he just can’t fucking stop!

just kidding. greg asks sherrica if she knows of any problems between jimmy and his sister and she shakes her head “no” (curious, considering the calisthenics she was putting her eyeballs through a literal minute ago) and once again i’m wondering why jimmy and adrena didn’t just push all the furniture to the sides of mama’s living room and slap each other a bunch of times and called it a day. what’s really happening here???

okay so adrena says she loves to throw parties and every time she has one she goes to pick up jimmy and sherrica to bring them over to her house because they don’t have a car (is the $680 for gas money because bitch it’s dire out here, i get it), and when she called to let sherrica know she was on her way to get them sherrica was like “sorry, babe. jimmy’s in jail.” adrena was shocked because she says she’d just spoken to jimmy, and when she asked sherrica what jimmy had been arrested for (greg: “fighting??? drugs?????????”) she said: HE WAS HAVING SEX IN PUBLIC WITH A WOMAN WHO WAS NOT HIS WIFE.

both jimmy and sherrica burst out laughing (???) and i’m sorry but the electric meatball inside my head simply cannot comprehend any of what is happening here. like, jimmy is doubled over the podium he’s laughing so hard, sherrica’s crylaughing so hard she can’t even open her eyes, the judge is smirking like the cat who caught the canary, and adrena is the only one who looks rightly horrified. but wait! it gets even more confusing!! when everyone catches their breath, sherrica testifies that she was out shopping when her grandmother called to tell her that jimmy was being arrested for indecent exposure because somebody saw him pissing in the yard in broad daylight and she should hurry home. okay maybe i’m starting to get the joke?

where did “public sex” come from??? jimmy says that he regularly urinates in the yard (“in an outhouse?” the judge tries to help, but come on man this is the westside!!!) and that one of his neighbors probably called the police because they were tired of seeing it. (not to derail, BUT: is this dude’s urine-saturated grass radioactive y/n) jimmy says that the public sex rumor was spread by gossips in the neighborhood and that’s how adrena heard it, not from him!!!!!

adrena begs to differ and pulls out a crisp stack of printed-out text sheets™ (HELL YEAH BROTHER) which she claims contain text messages from sherrica telling her that!!!!!!!!! i’m gonna summarize the text, which is basically “i’m done with your brother / you need to go bail him out / the officer at the jail told me that this is the third time he’s been brought in for public sex with women i don’t know.” greg wrinkles his nose as he’s reading (sherrica, for the record, is nodding along with her words saying “yep, yep” and i think that’s weird? but whatever) and when he finishes says “are you some kind of freak?”

i just busted out laughing, mostly because the judge says it the same way you’d say “hey, should i get us a pizza for dinner?” to your husband. he flips a page and starts to read but then shakes his head and starts chuckling because the texts include a link to a goddamn news article, a news article with the headline “man arrested for repeatedly jacking off outside of a woman’s house and said he was ‘taking a leak’.” first of all, what blog is this from and how can i sign up for its breaking news alerts. lmaoo “news.” second, THIS IS ALL HORRIBLE. thank the lord for greg who says “eww, y’all nasty” with all the hatred in his heart.

the ladies start arguing across the courtroom and it pisses greg off (or on?) and he interrupts to yell at jimmy and sherrica that they need to provide a defense for not repaying his bail. in a move only an asshole sibling would pull, jimmy brings up adrena’s murdered husband and ex-boyfriend (not to accuse her of killing them, which would be a helluva twist) then says that he and sherrica hate her current boyfriend, who is abusive. i mean, i love low-stakes gossip about people i’ll never meet, but this is both irrelevant and gross plus it makes me feel bad, which is not what i want out of a show that comes on at three in the afternoon!!!!!!!!

the ruling: sherrica’s “defense” is that they cobbled together jimmy’s $1000 bail between herself, adrena, and jimmy’s mom and that adrena is suing for bother her and her mother’s portions. adrena is like “i handed you $680” with a sneer and yeahhhhh this is how i’d punk my sister out, too. my diabolical ass would print “if you didn’t see mom give it to me, how do you know it wasn’t my money?” on a fucking t-shirt and wear that shit to court.

they do some brother versus sister shouting across the courtroom and that’s entertaining but you already know how this is going to go. mad dad interrupts their squabbling to address sherrica: “she put the money in your hand, so you need to put the money back in her hand.” then he smiles a lil cheeky devil smile and points at jimmy. “and NOBODY should touch his hands.”

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “sir, you don’t…………….have a toilet???????????”

*bangs gavel*