who's on judge mathis today? #272
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: bonnie and dan from rochester, new york. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! bonnie is wearing tight white pants, a floating white cape tied together in a bow at her throat with black ribbons, and a canary yellow satin sleeveless blouse that is the exact shade of yellow as the flowing extensions in her hair. i’m an orange moon, reflecting the light of her sun!!!!!!! and bonnie’s face? the eyebrows, they’re waxed sharp enough to cut deli meat. the T-zone, it’s highlighted to a gleam. the lashes, they are expertly applied. and the lips? shining like a disco ball every time they catch the light!!!! this is what i believe the children call A SERVE. who cares what dan has on!!
defendant: evelyn from rochester, new york. ooh, this is gonna be fun. evelyn is wearing a lime green off the shoulder short-sleeved high low ankara peplum top with a full length train, and i only knew what to google to find that example because i have had no fewer than five nigerian boyfriends. she looks so cute with her bleach blond braided updo and layers of gold chains!!! i’m mad that these girls are in here fighting!!!!! they should be in a lounge somewhere smoking hookah!!!!!!!
the complaint: bonnie went to evelyn’s shop to get her hair braided and she alleges that the next day four of her braids fell out, so she’s suing!
what do they want: $200??? i’m sorry, you know i’m a lover and not a fighter, but this dispute should be settled with some boxing headgear and a couple foam bats in the middle of a dead-end street. thankfully evelyn has filed a harassment countersuit for $500, which isn’t much better but fine we’ll take it!!!
how it went down: bonnie says that once a year she goes to get her hair braided, and every year she tries a new place to “see how they braid.” i wish i had that kind of adventuresome spirit. if i find a good thing even one time i will devote myself to it for all of eternity and never risk being disappointed by anything else ever again. she’s very brave! bonnie says she went to evelyn’s shop and had a consult with her, then on the day of her appointment there were two non-evelyn women there and one of them braided her hair. she says the women were very nice, don’t get her wrong, but the day after she got her hair done she was in the grocery store and a man came up to her holding four of the braids that, unbeknownst to bonnie, had detached themselves from her scalp a few aisles ago.
speaking of men, dan looks so much like mike tyson that it is wigging me OUT. he’s not saying anything, just looming over bonnie in his nicest funeral suit looking mad. the judge says “that was nice of him” re: the grocery store hair dude and bonnie says “no it was not, it was embarrassing” and has she watched this show before? keep correcting the judge and he might snatch this new hair you got right off your head! he’s very mean!!! bonnie immediately course corrects and says, “sir, she knew when she saw my hair that it was short. if she couldn’t install braids that would stay in she should’ve told me.” i promise i absolutely do not know what the fuck i am talking about, but i feel like bonnie needs to take the wig off so we can see exactly what evelyn had to work with! like, my hair is too short to hold a fucking grudge, let alone a kinky-curly foot of kanekalon!!!!!! give us some perspective!
evelyn, clearly a student of daytime courtroom television, begins her defense by saying “your honor, i am so happy to be here. i watch you every day. even when i’m at the shop and i’m braiding, the girls’ll be watching something else and when your show comes on at nine o’clock i tell them that my boyfriend is coming on and it’s time to change the channel!” uh oh, bonnie better watch the fuck out, greg is smiling. then evelyn gives doyle the bailiff a photograph of her son in his military uniform, and as the bailiff delivers it to greg she lays it on real thick and tells judge mathis that he’s the kid’s inspiration. lmaoo i can suck up with the best of them but evelyn is an expert, she should be in a community college classroom teaching a masterclass in flattery because this dude is about to levitate right outta his chair!
evelyn says she’s been braiding since she was a little girl in sierra leone, and she’s had her own shop in america for three years and has never, until today, had a complaint about her braiding. she says that when bonnie scheduled her appointment evelyn asked her what she wanted, and the length and size bonnie asked for were going to run her $180. now bonnie is across the way practically jumping up and down trying to find an opening to get a word in, but evelyn won’t even pause to take a breath! she continues, reiterating what bonnie said five minutes ago: that two of her other braiders worked on bonnie’s hair during her appointment. “WHY ARE YOU LYING” bonnie loudly interrupts but like………….she really did just say the other ladies were nice to talk to??? (i’m not rewinding but i believe myself!!!!)
evelyn says “i wasn’t even there” and bonnie shouts “god’s gonna get you for lying!” and a person who talks like this is my least favorite kind of person to be in a fight with because someone who doesn’t understand that god has already gotten me? as a matter of fact, that he has gotten us all??? they’re never gonna see your rational point! but the shit does sound scary, though, like……………….what if life on earth could somehow be worse?????
bonnie’s still talking shit and evelyn does that thing where she pretends to be a classy lady who is above being mean and that’s hilarious. she says that the day bonnie came in for her appointment she brought the wrong kind of hair for the braids she wanted, and her braiders offered to take bonnie to the beauty supply to get the right kind. she then starts getting into detail about the types of hair (this is truly a language i neither speak nor understand) and greg cuts her off to say that this isn’t about the hair, it’s about the quality of the braids!
evelyn says that she’d never seen bonnie’s hair before she came in to have it braided (bonnie is apoplectic at this), and wait a minute babe i thought you said she stopped in before the appointment to inquire about the price range? you didn’t ask her to dislodge one edge of her lacefront to let you get a look at what you’d be working with underneath??? well now evelyn is saying that bonnie actually called, that she didn’t come into the shop (bonnie’s blood is about threatening to erupt volcano-style out of the top of her head) to check the price and get a consult, and too bad evelyn spent more time writing that after school special about her kid than she did on this story because it’s sounding extremely not true!
the ruling: the judge, mad as shit because he foolishly let his guard down and smiled at this liar nine elapsed minutes ago, asks evelyn how she knows all this about bonnie’s hair if she “WASN’T THERE” (dramatically exaggerated scare quotes his). evelyn says her employees told her that they informed bonnie that her hair was too short and too slippery for the braids to work (that’s a new detail? was this before or after they offered to go with her to buy different hair??) and bonnie ignored their warnings and told them to “go ahead anyway.”
greg turns to bonnie like “girl i’m so embarrassed that i succumbed to this lady’s flattery, please tell me you have proof to catch her ass in this lie” and bonnie pulls a manila folder out of her accordion of truth™ that she claims contains proof of their direct communication. it looks like there are 47 sheets of paper shoved haphazardly into that folder and the judge selects one at random (??) and reads a text in which bonnie tells evelyn that both times she went to her salon the braids came out (i assume trip #2 was for evelyn herself to fix them after the disastrous first time) so now she’s gonna see her in court.
evelyn is flipping through, i’m not fucking kidding, an entire screenplay over at her podium, and the judge asks her if there’s anything in there that will corroborate her version of the story (which is, in case you’ve forgotten: her son is a Very Good Boy and bonnie’s hair is short) and of course she doesn’t! the judge asks, again, whether or not evelyn has any physical evidence that would prove she never communicated with bonnie directly or worked on her hair, and the answer is *shuffles an entire ream of printer paper like it’s a deck of cards* NO.
she couldn’t just give this lady back her funky little $200??? why come on here and do all this????? i understand that someone cussing you out about your work sucks but is it really a better idea to go on TV court and pretend you’ve never met her before? this is so bizarre! greg is exasperated and demands to know what evelyn’s countersuit is for, and when she says “harassment” he says “what kind” and then evelyn says “she sent me many text messages calling me a bad braider” and OOP, i’m not perry mason over here but how would bonnie be able to speak to the quality of your work if you’d never braided her hair? of course there’s no text response from evelyn asking how bonnie could say that when she’d never laid so much as a finger on her, so greg says the same shit i just did. judgment for the plaintiff, who gets $200 back to hopefully put toward more neon-yellow wigs, and the only thing the defendant is gonna get is got by god!!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “i’m your boyfriend? that’s nice, good thing my wife ain’t here!”
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