who's on judge mathis today? #274
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: dena from sacramento, california. wait a minute, is this an actual catwalk??? dena is model gorgeous: itty bitty teenie weenie, smooth caramel skin, long beyoncé-blonde (speaking of, i saw renaissance this weekend and that woman is next level, my god!!!!! also if you, like i, got tickets on the goddamn roof of the stadium and couldn’t see shit during the tour, the documentary will make you feel like you might actually have been in the building) hair, stunning face, tight leather pants, lowcut black v-neck blouse, and an olive green trench coat that actually looks stylish and good. you know you look good if you can successfully carry off a trench coat. i have never tried on a trench coat that didn’t make me look like someone tried to cinch a flappy khaki shirt onto a fat tomato, so when i see a bitch making one look cool i must stand and SALUTE.
defendant: trina from fairfield, california. trina is wearing the all-black ensemble of the best cater-waiter at your sister’s wedding, although hers is topped off by a super-cute red/gray/black argyle sweater vest that would look right at home nestled in the cozy confines of your sock drawer. trina’s hair is in cornrows and she’s wearing little silver ving rhames hoops. you know, we don’t get enough stud representation on this show. what a sight for my sore eyes!!!!!!!!!
the complaint: dena purchased a truck for her ex-girlfriend (thank you, gay jesus) with the agreement that she’d make the payments. however, dena alleges the trina failed to do so and racked up seven tickets, so now she is suing!!! countersuit????? trina would like $2500 for emotional distress!
what does she want: $2936
how it went down: speaking of gay shit, i bought some lesbian’s old subaru forester the other night because it snowed last week and, for the third winter in a row, my twice-recalled honda (!!!!!!!) luged through a red light at a dangerous intersection despite my foot being firmly planted on the brake and i’m sorry but i am not trying to die on a country ass road in michigan in a car with bad seatwarmers. i hate that fucking car. that shit would spin out at even the mere suggestion of precipitation, and if you’ve been reading this garbage newsletter for long enough you surely remember a couple years back when that bitch did several 360s across five lanes of rush hour winter traffic and almost murdered me??? i took too long to return that hulking metal death machine because it was a lease and i don’t read fine print but finally i just said fuck it and let the dealer hose me, and in exchange i got a sweet lesbomobile with a roof rack that will never be used and much cargo room for hauling around oat milk and ugly sandals or whatever it is that gay women like.
dena says that she met trina in the 90s when she auditioned to be a ~featured dancer~ (sounds fancy!) at a club for which trina was a promoter. she says they had an instant connection and trina was GREAT (she says it in all caps, TRUST ME) and she was basically her personal hype man. she says they dated for five months and a lot of her downtime was spent with her son and trina’s two kids at trina’s house. dena says one weekend when she went home to “check on her own place” (she never said they’d moved in together? but whatever) trina moved her ex-girlfriend in. hot damn, i love lesbian mess!!!!!! she can’t go home for a weekend without homegirl moving a replacement lady in???? next time you hear someone say messing with a woman is easier and more predictable than being with a man please think of this tiny dancer!!!!!!!!
dena says that they broke up and remained cordial for years while they continued to work together, but they stopped speaking entirely once dena got into a serious relationship and moved on to a different job in another state. she says that years later trina’s now-adult daughter reached out to reconnect with her because she was pregnant, and dena rekindled a friendship with both her and her mother, although she and trina didn’t talk very frequently. does it feel like something is missing here? it feels like something is missing here!
trina, who sounds exactly like you think she would, says yeah it’s true that she met dena in 1996 but she doesn’t remember dena having a home, as a matter of fact she says dena immediately moved in with her and her kids and trina gave her the money to get her first home. she says dena didn’t come to her club to audition as a “feature,” she came there to audition as a “stripper.” GIRL, WE KNOW!!!!!!!!! who fucking cares? is she trying to make her look bad?? if you look down on strippers so tough, why would you move one into your crib???????
trina says that dena went on to marry a man who was verbally abusive to her but she stayed because she’s a “gold digger” (i hate this shit, she’s digging for, what……………….$2900?? come on now, stop it) and says that she’s a mastermind who even conned her own alzheimer’s-stricken mother out of money. “what did she get outta you?” asks the judge, to which trina responds “she tricked me, too! she’ll trick a dog, a cat…she’ll trick anybody!”
okay, i am going to say something insane: sometimes people just, you know, GIVE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE MONEY. for nothing!!!!! why is this a secret we have to pretend to keep? we all know some hot bitch who has something cool she didn’t have to work to get, right??? i’m not even saying this with any ugly person bitterness (i should be), it’s just a fucking fact. i have many gorgeous friends and a lot of them just…………..get shit? for just having big eyes and symmetrical faces or whatever it is people like to look at? they say the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever heard in your fucking life and you look around and every lovestruck dope within earshot is sitting there rapt, shooting hearts from his eyes and twenties from his wallet, while your ugly ass (who is actually clever and hilarious, ahem) sits next to them like a broke ass gargoyle. i’m not even mad! life is terrible, get whatever you can get!! that’s the literal opposite of gold digging, it’s gold-falling-out-of-the-sky-right-into-your-sexy-handsing and it’s the dream!!!!!!!!!!!!!
trina says throughout their friendship she’s sat by and watched dena manipulate people out of money, and she’s even offered to stick by her when those relationships go south because “sometimes it’s good to keep a lesbian around.” LOLWAT. is that how you guys feel about me????????? (i hope so!) greg is like “explain the logic of that to me?” and trina says that dena’s boyfriends find her intimidating, and when they get mad at dena she steps in to provide the muscle (okay so she’s not in an abusive relationship? or are you a bad bouncer) and protect her. trina says that dena’s last boyfriend called her (trina) to yell at her about her (dena) and she (trina) said “i’m not the one you got a problem with, you better worry about her (dena) dropping you for someone with more money” and then she (dena) dumped that guy for his friend which supports her (trina’s) claim that she’s constantly digging for gold. whew!
trina says that their friendship since they reconnected has been pretty good. she says that her daughter went to stay with dena in her new house for awhile and trina took care of dena’s son, and they go to pride together with all of dena’s gay friends. “she likes to keep a few gays around,” trina says, “because it helps her with the men.” (is this like a bling ring situation??? because YES) and when dena says to her “oh, i need help?” trina says “yes, you do. looks ain’t everything, baby.” well, thank god for that. i was about to abandon all hope!!!
trina gets loud and starts yelling at dena about how she forced her sick mother to move into a trailer on her property and the judge lets them fight for a second and i wish he wouldn’t because it’s making me sad. eventually dena dismisses the allegations with a wave of her perfectly manicured hand because she says trina is just trying to make a scene, and after *checks watch* 742 real minutes we finally are getting to the facts of this LGBTestimony.
dena says that she has always been very responsible with her credit and hey can she teach me how? is that one of those things you automatically learn when raised in a loving, two-parent home??? dena says “i’ve always been good with my finances” and greg busts out laughing when trina chimes in “and everybody else’s, too” and i think maybe i’m in love with her????? she’s really fucking funny, even though she is picking on this very pretty lady i feel compelled to be nice to because of her cheekbones and lips.
dena says she used her exemplary credit and financial management skills to purchase a truck for her son. her son got his licensed revoked (she says it in a hilariously bullshit ass way, something like “he unable to maintain his license” girl please!!!!!!!!) and since trina was in need of a truck she agreed to take over the payments. she says that in addition to taking over the car payments trina was also supposed to pay for insurance, plus any parking tickets or damages she incurred.
dena says that trina had the truck for 22 months and was late on the payments for 21 of those months. also, she racked up hundreds of dollars in toll violation tickets “driving back and forth across the bridge” (most of which she’s paid) but has 7 tickets still outstanding, two of which were sent to collections. trina keeps shuffling a bunch of invoices with receipts stapled to them but she isn’t saying what they are, and the entire time dena is trying to explain these debts trina is talking shit across the courtroom. ordinarily the judge would be yelling but i think he’s letting her cook because trina is really fucking funny??? one of her asides is about how dena likes to “make vision boards, with mansions and fancy cars and shit” and says “how you gonna do that without a job? gafflin’, that’s how!”
the ruling: the judge is trying, unsuccessfully, to hide his laughter as he inquires about the damages, and all you need to know is that the truck got dented up, dena told trina that the insurance had a $1000 deductible, and trina said “that’s too much for me, bruh” and got her dad to pull the dents out and primered the car but never painted it. dena’s mad that trina never had it painted but trina says, “it was supposed to be my truck! why do you care whether or not i paint my truck, bruh?” and nothing is funnier than this lil stud exasperatedly calling dena BRUH over and over again. trina says dena spent money to paint the truck because she wanted to, not because anything was wrong with it.
trina has a printed out text sheet™ from january in which dena says “bring me the paperwork, the money, or the truck” which she chose to interpret as “as is.” i don’t know if that is legal but i do know that it’s funny. the judge says “was it damaged?” and trina, with a straight face, says it was “pre-fixed.” i’m cryyyyying. trina holds up a blurry printed photo of what may or may not be a car and says her dad prepped it for repair and they had an appointment to get it worked on at the end of the week but dena had already taken it to her guy to get it fixed.
trina says that a late payment is still a payment, and she fully intended to keep (tardily) paying for the truck because she needed it to get around. trina says she finally just gave dena the truck back because she was “tired of her calling me all the time,” and as a bitch who would do the same exact shit i agree with this nose-cutting facial spite. if you ask me about something one time, okay. ask me again? i’m heated, but i’ll live. you decide to go for number three??? fuck you and this fucking car, i’ll leave it outside your house with the keys in the glove box and see you when we get to hell.
the girls are fighting and greg’s head is on a swivel watching them go back and forth. dena says “don’t hate me for who i have in my life” and trina volleys back “what? i gave you the game and now you’re using on me” and you know greg loves that pimpish talk, he’s absolutely pissing himself with glee. unfortunately you can’t countersue someone for “stressing [you] out,” so trina’s case is immediately dismissed (first she said it was for “tires” but then dena yelled “girl, you took the tires off the truck!” and she had to pivot) and dena’s is granted, less the $50 trina had proof that she’d paid to the toll gods for one of her many infractions. in the hall outside the courtroom dena dramatically presents trina with a phone she apparently left behind in the truck, and also a set of non-working keys and (drumroll, please) a stolen credit card!!!!!!! who let these women in here and how soon can they come back??? HOORAY GAY RIGHTS.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “y’all in love? y’all still in love!”
*bangs gavel*