who's on judge mathis today? #278
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: lisa from oak lawn, illinois. HI BARBIE!! long, platinum blonde lisa sashays into the courtroom wearing a tight pink tank top and tighter black skirt, and when i say her boobs are sitting i mean they are SITTING. in all my days i’ve never seen a breast this perky before, and i would love to know what kind of gorgeous scaffolding she has under her shirt to keep them propped up so nicely! we don’t get a lot of exposed big titty action on this television program because everybody gotta pretend to be a demure churchmouse when they come on here trying to get $337 from their ex-best friend’s roommate’s cousin, so i am reveling in this victory!!!!!!!!
defendant: kristin from crete, illinois. omg you know what kind of energy she’s giving??? series regular on models inc!!!!!! please god, tell me y’all remember that show!!!!!! i miss all that good 90s shit; the practice, party of five, x-files, melrose place, felicity, northern exposure, my so-called life, renegade, xena, dr quinn???? my kingdom for a channel that just plays 90s melodramas 24 hours a day!! i just started watching la law from the beginning as my nighttime comfort watch and it scratches such a deep nostalgic itch for me. i love seeing regular ugly people with normal teeth on my TV!!!! can we get back to a time when fucking corbin bernsen was the hottest dude on primetime??? dude had every lady in a jewel-toned one-button blazer with enormous shoulder pads in a chokehold and he literally just looks like some guy’s dad!! that is what i want from my heartthrobs, real “here’s five dollars for lunch” vibes. anyway kristin is gorgeous in a dark-haired 90s model way (think shalom harlow on the cover of cosmopolitan in january 1995 except with a wig on and more clothes) AND, and this might be an affront to me specifically), she is carrying all her papers and receipts and shit loose. not an accordion of truth™ in sight!!! i hope this doesn’t mean she’s doomed.
the complaint: lisa says she gave kristin money so they could start their own business, but it never got off the ground so now she’s suing for breach of contract!
what does she want: $4800 (wow! i literally cannot wait to hear what this business is!)
how it went down: lisa begins by saying, “i’m gonna be calling her ‘sadie’ and i go by ‘sidney,’ so if i mess up i apologize, i don’t normally call her kristin.” first of all, doesn’t it break some sort of party girl code of conduct to be on afternoon TV telling all of america (just me, but whatever) your fake name? and secondly, how hard could it possibly be??? like when your friend’s mom is your math teacher, you don’t roll up in third period like “hey marion, did you restock the chips ahoy at home yet?” you call her [mrs whatever] and pretend you’ve never seen what she sleeps in. it’s not difficult!!
lisa continues, “sadie and i are professional models, we work as a team—” i told y’all homegirl looked a melrose place series regular!!! “—and we do everything: go go dancing, clean your house, and drive your vehicles, in little cute costumes.” well, sounds like everything to me!!! i’m trying to imagine a situation in which i’d need two cutely-costumed women to drive my car for me, but i’m guessing i am not the target audience for this service. lisa (chyron: LISA “SIDNEY”) says that she and kristin (“sadie”??) wanted to start their own agency because they were “getting old” and “just wanting to sit around and send out girls and stuff like that, and not have to work” and i do believe this is the first ever episode in which we’ve encountered an admitted wannabe pimp, someone mark this on the calendar!
lisa sidney says that she and kristin sadie sat down to figure out a business plan, and they came to an agreement that $10,000 should cover all of their initial business expenses like “legal affairs, domain name, things of that nature” (i am sobbing) and says that they agreed to each put in their tax return money to get the new business up and running. lisa sidney says that her return was $4879 and she gave kristin sadie $4800, and i think i just stress-pooped my pants. just…………..handing over forty-eight hundred american dollars? without so much as an excel spreadsheet for a business plan??? i am having an anxiety attack. lisa sidney says since kristin sadie went to college and understands business (PLEASE) she thought it would be better to turn everything over to her and let her handle it, but it’s been two years and they still don’t have a pot to pimp in.
i’m getting worried because greg has been sitting there in silence the entire time with his hands clasped, smiling like the cat who caught the canary. it’s never good when he lets somebody just talk for five straight minutes, uninterrupted. “what steps did you take to start the business?” he says, too calm. sidney lisa is clearly rattled and she starts blathering on about how they disagreed over how to advertise for clientele, saying that kristin sadie wanted to advertise to creeps on craigslist while lisa sidney thought their best bet was to spend money to put ads on “good websites.” i would kill to know what lisa sidney thinks a reputable, creep-free website is. brother, imagine you click on [whatever website smart people look at] and see sidney lisa’s beautiful jugs imploring you to hire a go-go dancing minnie mouse to vacuum your living room after she drives your car into it????????? AMAZING.
lisa sidney says “i even made business cards!” and thank you almighty god, she has the mockups with her in court today. she hands the judge a printout with a couple options, still in the developmental stage i’m sure. on top: pink polka dots on a white background with silhouettes of two naked women standing back to back with the words “Two Hott Babes” (quotation marks hers) Sadie Sinn and Sidney Specializing in 2 Girl Fantasy Shows. on the bottom: red background featuring one dark-haired anime-looking woman, Two Hott Babes Specializing in 2 girl FANTASY SHOWS Sidney and Sadie Sinn. somebody get the marketing department at npr on the horn, boy do i have a great ad for morning edition!!!!!!
they also did a promotional photo shoot and they’re naked and gorgeous and faking lesbianism for the camera and honestly this is all great except i’m nervous (because i am always! fucking! nervous!) because i hear “business” and all i think is “licenses and taxes.” and i’m not judging a book by its cover, i don’t think any regular person with access to photoshop and party city wigs can just decide to start a company without getting some laws involved! maybe i’m extra paranoid because it’s april 9th and i can’t remember where my 1099s are but also this is a very real fear!!! the government will get you!!!!!!!!
lisa sidney says they haven’t booked any gigs and sadie kristin is like “yes we have!” and sidney lisa is like “that was from our old business, not the two of us as a team” and kristin sadie is like “we’ve made money as a duo on our own” and then the fully exasperated judge holds up the printouts of the cards (i’m dying) and says, excruciatingly slowly, “have you two made any money with this business?” and kristin sadie says “YES” and finally it’s her turn.
kristin sadie says that she’s been a go-go dancer for seventeen years and has known lisa sidney for ten of them. she says that yes they agreed to go 50/50 on this new business venture, yet there was no agreed upon fulfillment date. neither of them said “we will have a business by ___” so kristin sadie says she’s not in breach. you can’t miss a deadline you never fucking made! greg asks lisa sidney if this is true and she starts scrambling, then resorts to sniping, “all i know is we agreed to go 50/50 and i gave her $4800 and i don’t know what she put in.” the judge bristles at her tone and asks why sidney lisa wouldn’t ask to see proof of sadie kristin’s investment and she huffs and puffs and says she doesn’t know.
kristin sadie says that lisa sidney only gave her three grand, and when the judge asks lisa sidney if she has any proof of the amount of course she does not. she says “i gave her cash” and okay man i feel like rules number one through twelve of starting any business venture is GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING!! if you think you might ever end up in (not real, televised) court over money, you better at least have a screengrab of a venmo transaction or something. it doesn’t matter if sadie lisa gave homegirl $5 or $5000 if she doesn’t have evidence to back that shit up!
greg asks kristin lisa what she did with the $3000 she claims to have received, and she says she used it to buy costumes and build a website. idk man, sounds about right to me? when i start my corporation the first line item will be “games and clowns,” which is why sidney and sadie and sammy sinn should all be Three Hott Babes Who Work For Someone Else.
the ruling: kristin sadie gives greg a “receipt” that is actually a bunch of stuff she wrote down that she did that earn her some equity in the company but isn’t an actual receipt of money she’s invested. like babe, you can’t contribute “time” if your agreement was that you’d contribute “money.” but there’s still the issue of lisa kristin not having a lick of documentation to prove how much money she put in. so here is the compromise, and i definitely am about to fuck this up:
the judge believes kristin lisa and accepts that she received only $3000. kristin lisa says of that, she’s spent $1440 on “costumes and web design.” lisa kristin says that “she got the website free, off intuit dot com” which is hilarious because aren’t those the turbo tax people? the very same people my paranoid ass was worried about from jumpstreet????? i don’t think lisa kristin knows what those words mean, especially not when put all together like that, and neither does judge mathis. kristin lisa tries to say that she spent 48 hours “building the site” and sure okay yeah! but greg says there was no agreement that lisa kristin would put in money in exchange for kristin lisa’s time, so he’s awarding lisa kristin the $1560 balance from her original $3000, plus $720 for half of what kristin lisa spent on geocities or wherever she hosted their web page. so $2280 for lisa kristin and a big ol’ cup of go-go juice for the rest of us, i’m tired!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “oh yeah, it has been seventeen years, because they don’t call them ‘go-go dancers’ anymore!!!” *mischievous grin*
*bangs gavel*