who's on judge mathis today? #283

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: cindy from sarasota, florida. MY QUEEN. cindy is serving mama’s family, she’s serving empty nest, she’s serving designing womannnnn. her hair is giving markie post’s short blond crop in season 7 of night court and her oversized blouse and enormous beaded neckwear is giving blanche and rose reading dorothy down about her outfit. i am besotted. cindy is wearing a giant, retina-burning electric coral shirt that she snatched off a chico’s mannequin down at the mall and a wooden beaded necklace whose center bead is the size of an apple. it’s gotta weigh three pounds, minimum. her tips are frosted as are her red lips, and i would let her hit me with a car if she wanted to.

defendant: martin from aurora, illinois. excuse me, BUT: martin is, dare i say, KIND OF FINE????? apologies to feminism but if i had to guess i’d say cindy is, 80+ years old? and that’s cool, who cares, but she looks like the kind of lady who would be dating a retired economics professor, not…………….this enormous bald dude who looks like a sexier stone cold steve austin??? what a delightful surprise! martin is tall with a gleaming bald head and neatly trimmed salt-and-pepper goatee; he’s wearing a camel colored sportcoat over a tight, collarless black shirt, eerily similar to these guys but with a lot less hair gel.

the complaint: cindy started dating martin after they met online, but she soon realized he was a sexual deviant (hello???) so they broke up and then got back together until she discovered he was watching porn all night and might also be doing cocaine (hello???????) so she’s suing him for holiday ornaments and distress. (HELLO????????????????)

what does she want: $3000 (ornaments! and! distress!)

how it went down: cindy says she met martin online (i’m dying to know what site these two are on, please god) and they went out and had a great time, but within two weeks of meeting her martin asked cindy if he could take her to a sex club. HELL YEAH BROTHER. i mean, that’s not my thing, but i wanna hear a million minutes more about why it’s his. cindy says she told him “that’s not my lifestyle, no” and they stopped seeing each other. grand opening grand closing, right?

think again, babe! cindy says several months later martin texted her and asked if they could hang out again and “discuss perhaps going forward with the relationship.” yeahhh this is what the hell i’m talking about. almost everyone has done something fucking dumb because a hot person asked them to, and i’m thrilled to see that cindy is not an exception. i would’ve, too!!!!!! greg says “you didn’t talk to him about his deviant ways?” and cindy says that martin knew, she’d emphatically reiterated to him, that sex clubs were absolutely not! her! lifestyle!!!!!

cindy says they continued seeing each other and eventually moved in together, and that crash you just heard was my jaw shattering from the force with which it hit my breastplate. i think i might’ve forgotten to say that cindy’s energy is very, uhh, “needs a strong laxative?” like she honestly looks like she’s offended by the room she’s voluntarily standing in right now, i literally cannot imagine this woman cohabitating with this sexy sex pest???????

she says that eventually martin broached the subject again, asking “how can you say you don’t like something if you’ve never tried it?” babe, this isn’t a six year old and you’re not airplane-ing mushed peas into her mouth! you’re asking the president of the local jigsaw puzzle society to go get some strange balls dangled in her face!!!! martin eventually wore her down and she told him “here’s the deal, i’ll go with you to this place under one condition: i won’t participate in anything.” greg is grinning like the cat who caught the canary, he lives for this shit!! cindy sighs and shakes her head solemnly. “judge,” she says, “i can’t even tell you how awful this place is” and greg lights up, shouting “YES YOU CAN!”

cindy says “it was disgusting” (with, frankly, an admirable malevolence) “and i told him to take me home and if this was a make or break situation he should let me know.” martin told her it was okay, she’d tried a bite of the vegetables and that was all he wanted so now she could go back to her sweets. judge mathis asks her if she had any other issues with martin and cindy says “he stayed up watching porn all night” and was “extremely selfish,” which, if you think about it, are two sides of the same coin.

greg says to martin “sir, she’s painted a pretty unflattering picture of you, what do you have to say about all of this?” and that’s hilarious because what could he possibly say to distract a room full of people (and the entire daily court show-watching public at large) from the fact that he’s a superfreak? unless he knows of a murder cindy has committed (my kingdom) there’s no real way to wipe all of our brains clean of the image of a dirtbag who stays up all night frantically jorking his peanits on brazzers. so martin does the only thing he can do in this situation, asking: “WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ORNAMENTS???”

as a person who definitely went to law school, i must agree! unless he stuck his dick in a jingle bell, what does this have to do with what cindy is suing him for??? i mean, thank god mama spilled, but unless she caught him sticking his candy cane in the plum pudding (i promise i will stop) who cares??? martin says cindy is a “drama queen” and a “diva” and a “control freak,” all traits he didn’t discover until after they’d moved in together. martin says months later he broke up with her and put her out of his house after cindy verbally assaulted both him and his children.

cindy says that she asked marty to set aside a box of her mother’s “post war ornaments” (now, i am a fucking moron, but is that a real thing?? i mean, i suppose anything can be a thing if you decide it is, but is “christmas ornaments from wartime” an actual category of antique that anybody other than this lady cares enough to sue someone about?????) and when the movers arrived she grabbed the box but didn’t stop to make sure everything inside was accounted for. she says marty took a “threatening step” toward her and scared her (with men around?! what the fuck ever happened to chivalry) so she took all the boxes she thought were hers and just left. come on, babe. you couldn’t chill on the curb for thirty seconds and ask two men and a truck to stand guard while you ensured that your beloved black peter ornament was tucked safely away?

okay so cindy buys a house in sarasota and here’s where shit gets extremely foolish: she says that she was so emotional that she couldn’t bear to celebrate christmas for four freaking years so she had no idea that her mother’s war-naments (i’m so sorry) weren’t all in the box the movers had stowed atop a high shelf in her garage. i had to rewind it because the shit sounds so crazy but i heard her right, she left the unopened box she believed contained her most prized possessions in her swampy garage for four whole years before opening it and deciding to bring this handsome pervert to court. this is absurd. WHAT IS THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS ON A CRUSTY BLOWN GLASS REINDEER FROM 1945???????

the ruling: it’s worth noting that this lady is extremely mad. i’m not at all sentimental, which is maybe why i can’t relate? but would you really expect that after having gone no contact with an ex you fell out with, he would hang on to a big box of dusty old decorations that don’t mean anything to him??? it’s not even like they spent past christmases together, she just expected that he would hang on to her junk for years and years until she got good and ready to claim it????? i have a friend who sold an entire car her boyfriend had gifted her, three days after they split! what universe is cindy living in!!! dude probably fucked a hole in that box with his yule log a week after she left town!!!!!!!

HOLD UP. when the judge asks marty why he didn’t give cindy the ornaments (i can’t type that word anymore) and he says “i did!” HUH?? marty says he found her box of 150+ ornaments and repacked them so they wouldn’t break and drove them to cindy’s friend donna’s house and handed the box directly to her. greg asks cindy “and you never received it…?” and cindy gestures to where donna is conveniently seated in the witness chair behind her and says “i did, when she eventually came to visit.” i’m about to lose my mind????? what’s going on here! greg is instantly furious and says “so you did receive them” and cindy interjects “yes, but not at the time i asked for them.” I THINK I’M HAVING A STROKE.

i always wonder, like, who is the miserable asshole in the comments section of the spelling bee trying to harass the editor about the exclusion of some obscure word that only they know, and it’s definitely this lady. dude was kind enough to store your old trinkets for free and even drove them over to your homegirl’s house four years after you went nuts on his kids, and you bring him on TV court because he didn’t jump on a sleigh and drop them down your chimney the next day? if anything, sue donna’s slow ass for taking so long to bring them to you! i’m annoyed, and greg is pissed. “YOU LIED!” he cries, and cindy’s defense is that she didn’t receive all of the ornaments so she technically did not.

marty says that cindy has continued to harass him and he told her that when christmas rolls around he’d look through his holiday stash and see if he could locate more, which i understand because there’s nothing i want to look at less when it’s a soupy 90° summer day than a box full of tangled christmas tree lights and shit. marty also has some printed out email exchanges™ in which cindy asks after the ornaments, and his reply is “you’re welcome to come go through my garage anytime you want.” huh, interesting. mine would’ve been “fa la la la la, la la fuck you.” greg asks cindy if she ever searched marty’s garage and she says no because she couldn’t afford to and she never wants to be in a room with him again (today notwithstanding?) and sweet baby jesus sleeping in a manger cindy’s case is dismissed, and i’ll celebrate with marty later tonight at club penis or whatever that shit is called.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “okay, i guess she’s giving background on what happened with the relationship. and, i assume, that’s going to lead to ‘we broke up and as a result of our breakup’ some ornaments were perhaps left at the house, or you stole them from her, so perhaps she is laying a foundation to show the character of the person who has her ornaments and that's why she's telling me. now, are you a sex fiend or not???”

*bangs gavel*