who's on judge mathis today? #285

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: william from springfield, ohio. ughhh this is some grody old lady shit but i’ve definitely reached the point in my decrepitude where unless it’s obvious that a person is sixty-five, every single human being i encounter looks like a child to me. for real, william walked in and i was like “is he in the seventh fucking grade?” i would say yes if it weren’t for his thin mustache and neck tattoo, both of which you can only legally obtain if you’re an adult.

defendant: casaundra from springfield, ohio. whenever young white people have old black people names, you gotta watch the fuck out. you ever meet a young white brenda? or found yourself seated at a wedding next to a twenty-year-old white shirley?? be careful, ma’am, that lady can FIGHT. if this was “cassie” or even “cassandra” i might give her the benefit of the doubt, but when the announcer stressed his blaccent on ca-SAUNDRA i knew immediately she did whatever homeboy says she did. and she’ll do it again!

the complaint: william claims casaundra destroyed his property with a butcher knife, so he’s suing her. (see what i told you???!!????!?!?!?!!!!??!?!?!!)

what does he want: $3000??? what the fuck did she carve up, a toyota?????

how it went down: william begins his testimony by saying he’s read the judge’s life story and finds him to be a big inspiration. greg, in a surprise twist, says that he’s glad the young man was inspired by him but the reason people know about his sordid criminal history is because when he was running for judge way back when the detroit news published a bunch of hit pieces about his past. he seems pretty salty, but like, okay…………..that is the nature of politics in this country? and the kind of due diligence we expect from competent journalists?? forget that a reporter exposed something nefarious he’d actually done, what if they had just made some shit up! imagine greg running for office in 2024 with all the AI sex tapes and robot spammers and shit out there. his old head would explode!!

william says he met his ex-girlfriend, the defendant, “through her mother and my father………..which were dating.” excuse me, brother? what did you just say? did you mean to say “that’s my stepsister” or do you really mean to be telling the entire united states of america that you had a sexual relationship with your dad’s girlfriend’s daughter??? oh, you did????? and guess what else, they also have a baby together!!!!!! OPEN THE FUCKING SCHOOLS.

william tries to launch into an explanation of the property he’s alleging that casaundra has damaged and greg is like, “whoa whoa WHOA, hold up, you think i’m just gonna let you blow by that juicy morsel you dropped at my feet????” william says that when he and casaundra first got together everything was good (who cares, please talk about your DAD) but eventually trust issues developed between the two of them because casaundra “started thinking [he] wanted his other child’s mother more than [he] wanted her.” greg wants to know what would make her think that; was william spending more time with the other woman? william says no, that he spent the majority of his time at home with casaundra, but casaundra interjects that the two of them would be on the phone all the time—LATE AT NIGHT!!! when all the naughty sex stuff happens!!!

the judge isn’t happy with the level of dirt they’ve shared thus far and asks william what reasons casaundra would have to be suspicious. william says “i guess she’s just an extremely jealous person” (LOL) and then casaundra says, “sometimes when we would go to her house to pick up his son he would leave me in the car outside for forty-five minutes to an hour.” and there you have it. y’all know i don’t believe in most accusations of jealousy and this case is a perfect example of why: casaundra’s not irrationally jealous of this woman she happens to be sharing a co-parent with, this dude leaves her in the car while he disappears inside this woman’s house for a sexual length of time! that’s not misplaced envy, she’s cold and the seat warmer doesn’t work and the radio is fucked up!! she needs roadside assistance!!!!!

okay so in august they decided to “try again” and william moved back into the house he’d once shared with casaundra and her mother. and, oh yeah, HIS FUCKING DAD. william says that he and his father got into an argument and in an effort to be “the bigger person” he moved out, which casaundra took personally, assuming that meant he was breaking up with her. okay i just……..i just cannot……………..i just cannot understand why no one has talked about how weird it is to be double dating with your fucking parents??? i know they’re not related but they’re not……………….not related?????

william says that shortly after he moved out they had to take casaundra’s daughter to get a dna test because he thought she was his. casaundra refutes this, then william says okay what actually happened was casaundra came over to his house after he moved out and “we did what we do” (had unprotected sex) and then three days later casaundra called to tell him she was pregnant. william asked how she could possibly know it was his baby since it had only been three days since they’d gotten busy, but because he’s a good man he decided to step up and take care of his responsibilities despite his doubts. (a true american hero!!) brother, you know what i could really go for right now? someone suffocating me with a pillow. this is bleak.

not too long after that happened they had to go to court for their other (actual?) child and william says when she walked in casaundra was already visibly pregnant and said, “sorry, i tried to trap you, i was already pregnant the night i came to your house.” i’m sorry but THIS IS NOT FUN. somewhere out there are two (or more) light-skinned, sandy-haired children who have been saddled with these two as their parents and if any of this is real, wow what a bummer! casaundra says that when they went to court she was already pregnant and she told william there was a possibility the child was his but it wasn’t. greg asks how far along she was when she told william and casaundra says three months, but she’d just found out a week before. unless she stabbed the baby, what are we even fucking talking about this for? as a former child with humiliating parents, can’t we skip this part and get to the play station she hacked into pieces or whatever the fuck property she destroyed of his??? this is boring and depressing.

here we go, finally: when they went to court for the child support hearing for the child they both agree they conceived together, casaundra apparently showed up with a box full of belongings that william had left at her house and they had been cut into pieces. shoes, clothes, and even a winter coat, haphazardly cut but still kind of intact? like, there’s a t-shirt with the sleeve cut off and it’s been cut off along the seam. i mean, do the other side and you’ve basically got a stylish muscle tee. who destroys clothes in this way???

the ruling: casaundra wants to know, too, because she claims it wasn’t her. she says that the garbage bag filled with clothes that she handed over to william in court that day was the same garbage bag of clothes he’d been living out of at her house. casaundra says “if i did that, why would he wait so long to bring me to court about it?” well, first of all babe, there’s a screening process. this is a highly produced, super professional television program, you better recognize! william says that he has printed out text sheets™ that prove he’s telling the truth, and casaundra says, “i don’t have a phone,” which would be a hilarious defense if it could actually work. judgment for the plaintiff, who will hopefully use it to buy some new gators. (she cut?? the heels????? off his gators???????? DIABOLICAL)

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: *flipping through a stack of pictures of cut up clothes* “you sure you didn’t do this? seems like he has more than a shred of evidence!”

*bangs gavel*