who's on judge mathis today? #288
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: kirth from indianapolis, indiana. well we love a big teddy bear of a man, and kirth is the biggest and teddy bear-iest. he’s wearing a navy sport coat (his shoulders are so broad, like the length of a dining room table broad, like “can he actually ride in the front seat of a car?” broad) over a grey dress shirt and slacks. his delicious milk dud head is gleaming beneath the courtroom lights, and i would like to bite it.
defendant: karen from indianapolis, indiana. karen’s chic black skirt suit, fingers full of blingy rings, crispy hair show-hair, and long silver talons make me think of gwen guthrie, a reference not enough people will relate to!
the complaint: kirth and karen (CUTE) briefly dated and during the relationship kirth loaned karen money that she hasn’t paid him back, so he’s suing!
what does he want: $2214 (that! is! so! specific!) countersuit filed!!!!! karen would like $350 in recompense from kirth, which he could probably find in his winter coat pockets or maybe under the seats of his car, he looks paid.
how it went down: kirth starts off by telling the judge that he’s honored to be in his courtroom and that his mother and sister will kill him if he doesn’t relay the message that they love his show and watch it religiously. i believe him, because every single time i went to a live taping of judge mathis there were at least a dozen 50+ year old sisters in church shoes and splashed copiously with elizabeth taylor’s white diamonds, fluttering their thickly-mascaraed lashes playfully at the judge. greg is hot shit!!!!
kirth says he met karen in september and when he bumped into her a week later they had a nice conversation and she gave him her phone number. karen immediately interjects, saying, “stop lying. you met me at my house.” well, i love a lady who wastes no time. who needs to bother with exchanging pleasantries when you can skip straight to the bodily fluids??? okay so karen then tells the real story, which is that kirth was at her house in some kind of work capacity, liked what he saw, then called her an hour after he’d left (not a week!) to holler at her.
hold up, now kirth has some clarifications he’d like to make, which is that he did a home visit because karen had been injured at work (not sure if he worked for her employer or the workers’ comp people or what) and she asked if she could call him and he said yes because she was so “jazzy.” she called and kirth says he took her to lunch two weeks later and they had a great time. one of the conversational topics they covered was “how do you have sex if you have a back injury” and yeah sir if you ask me that i’m gonna go ahead and push back from the table because you’re not about to have me on the ten o’clock news for insurance fraud!!! can he not take his claim adjuster’s hat off during some unlimited salad and breadsticks??? karen told him “there’s ways we can get around that” and boy oh boy dating is the woooooorst. where are those sex robots we were promised?! kirth says (with an exaggeratedly sexy wink) that not only did they figure it out, but karen “could write a book about that.” don’t do it, karen. i don’t need any more competition.
karen says she met kirth in early september and within one week he gave her one hundred dollars and a white cadillac. on second thought, maybe she should write that book??? vaginally speaking, what did she do to this man????? kirth tries to say this isn’t true but not only did karen bring printed out cell phone pics™ she also brought her twin sister sharen (karen and sharen, PLEASE i would die for them) who stands up and corroborates her story. sharen was skeptical at the time and says she asked kirth why he was doing all this for her sister after having just met her and he said, “she looks nice and i want to be nice.” is this what my pissed-in gene pool has stolen from me???
sharen says that she drove karen over to kirth’s house to pick the car up, and not only did he not ask for money for it, he gave her $100 to fill up the gas tank! greg asks if the title is in her name and karen says no because the car kept cutting off every time she tried to drive it (“i thought he put a kill switch in it!!!!!!” - karen) so kirth eventually collected the car (and $350 for repairs) and never gave her either of them back.
okay kirth has put his reading glasses on and it’s serious time, time to get into the details of the loan. he says that karen was about to be evicted because she hadn’t worked in four or five months (“it was three months!” - karen), then he doubles back to say he sold her the car for $2000 but wouldn’t give her the title because she hadn’t given him any money. welp…………….um, i guess it ain’t trickin if you got it??? that’s not something to brag about, sir! all that means is any crimes she commits in that car (i’m being dramatic, i mean tickets and such) get traced right back to YOU. nothing says “girl, fuck that parking meter” like driving around in a car the state doesn’t know you own!!!!!!!
kirth says that in october he gave karen $900 toward her rent that she was supposed to repay once she’d gotten a new job, which she never did. “like a fool,” he gave her $660 more dollars in november, which karen promised to pay once she got her disability check. will someone please get this man a cassingle of suga free’s don’t no suckaz live here???? this is embarrassing!!! in december (please, baby jesus) kirth coughed up $654, which karen said she would return to him as soon as she got her tax return after the first of the year, which she did not, so he brought her to court. okay!
karen is suing kirth for breach of contract for $350 she says she gave to kirth to have the car fixed. kirth says he paid over $1100 to have the car fixed and towed, and greg interrupts to say that doesn’t matter since he kept it. kirth tries to argue that karen still owed him the initial amount he was selling the car for ($2000, in case you’ve forgotten) but since they never set a specific date she was supposed to pay him back by it wasn’t cool for him to repossess the car and charge her for fixing it while also holding it hostage.
greg roasts kirth for getting played and i would feel bad for dude it wasn’t clear that he was tearing through all the red flags with his teeth??? no shade to karen but when you give someone without a job “a loan” you are actually making “a donation.” why not just have a generous fucking spirit and also throw in a new carburetor or whatever because she hoisted herself up onto you and bounced on it with a broken back? sucking your dick could’ve fucked up her medicaid!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: karen says she never asked kirth for anything, he just kept giving her shit and who was she to refuse? “he’s a giver, and i’m a taker. he gave, so i took.” i know that’s fucking right. kirth interrupts to say that he was forced to tow the car because she never put gas in it and i get what he’s trying to do here but if that is indeed her car then that’s her problem. judge mathis agrees, telling kirth “sir, you can’t get the money and keep the car” and kirth keeps trying to argue with him, talking about “the car was just sitting in her driveway minding it’s own business” and 1 how the hell do you know that and 2 it feels like kirth thought he was paying for a little more than rent with that $2214 he gave karen.
and listen, i’m a fool, too! in 1998 i bought a playstation for another girl’s boyfriend (i thought he was mine) and i was working at judy’s making $7.25 an hour, somebody please do the math and tell me how many donuts i boxed and boiling hot coffees i dropped on myself to earn whatever that stupid bullshit cost. love had my mind trippin’. the difference between us, though, is that i know when to charge it to the game. not me pulling the ford escort up to some lady’s crib to hide in the bushes and spy on them killing each other in tekken!!! and i mean literally not me, because i know how to take a fucking L. kirth needs to learn when to tuck tail and consider those thousands of dollars a tax write-off.
early in the case kirth said something like “i bought two chapters of her book” as what he clearly thinks is a clever euphemism for sex (it’s only funny if she’s a writer, though? mannnn, let the clowns make the jokes) and greg spins the block to use it against him now: “one of the first things you said was ‘i bought two chapters of her book.’ bought! purchased!!” and, well, we can guess where this is headed from here. greg asks kirth if he’s talked to karen to try to resolve their issue and kirth says she won’t talk to him, but then karen says they texted last night?? in the printed out text sheet™ she offers him, the judge reads aloud that kirth listed a number of naughty things he wanted to “do to [her].” he then asks karen if the number in the text is her hotel room or the amount she wanted in order to fuck him and BAHAHAHAHA.
kirth’s case is dismissed because he’s a simp (jk, the official reason is something about not having a written contract blah blah repossessing the vehicle blah) and judgment for the hot girl, who now gets three hundred and fifty more dollars from this idiot man.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you say your sister and mother watch me frequently? sir, you need to watch more frequently, because if you did you would know that whenever someone says they’re going to give you money when their income tax comes? you’re never going to see it, sir.”
*bangs gavel*