who's on judge mathis today? #292
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: kimberly from richton park, illinois. ALRIGHT MY ZAFTIG, VOLUPTUOUS, FULL-BOSOMED, RUBENESQUE QUEEN. that noise you hear? that’s me, barking at my fucking computer screen. it’s big girl supremacy over here, you already know THAT.
defendant: jonathan from park forest, illinois. if a fat bitch isn’t gonna do shit else, she’s gonna bag herself a hot giant man. jonathan is approximately 8'37" of lightly seared steak with dimples, a goatee, a smooth n’ shiny milk dud head, and face tattoos. as jonathan swaggers into the courtroom the voiceover man announces that jonathan “admits he likes older women, which is why he was attracted to kimberly” and i had to rewind the tape because homegirl didn’t look old??? i know you can never tell with black people, but maybe this means he’s nineteen.
the complaint: kimberly only knew jonathan for two weeks before they got married, but they later broke up. kimberly says she bailed him out of jail but has yet to be repaid, so now she’s suing!!!!!
what does she want: $3825!!!! countersuit filed: jonathan would like $3845 from his ex-wife for “unpaid labor” (sex) and “property damage” (also sex).
how it went down: kimberly says “well first, i should’ve followed your advice, your honor.” greg immediately starts chuckling, because not only does he take immense pleasure in flattery, it’s also been well-established that he fucking loves big girls. “what’s that?” he asks, coyly, envisioning himself on a treasure hunt beneath her voluminous blue tunic. “when you said don’t marry someone that might be a crackhead? well, mr howard is not that, but i still should have listened.” the judge asks how long she’d known him before they got married and kimberly says, “TWO WEEKS.” the crowd gasps so hard you can see kimberly’s wig move in the breeze and i know what they’re thinking: this woman must have the best pussy on the planet.
two weeks??? man, she’s gotta be into butt stuff because what kind of sorcery compelled a young suge knight lookalike (if you squint) to jump right from an introduction to the altar?????? greg is like “HOW DID Y’ALL MEET” because that’s what we all want to know. kimberly says she was in new york on a trip, hanging at a friend’s house, and toward the end of the night she said she was going to leave and get a hotel and jonathan said, “don’t waste your money, i have an apartment. you can stay there and i’ll stay somewhere else.” i cannot press play again until i express my extreme dismay at the idea that a grown adult lady traveled to new york city for an overnight trip without first securing her lodging. i refuse to go to a movie without first memorizing the floorplan of the entire cineplex and selecting my seat plus one extra, for my mental illness, in advance; leaving “where am i going to stay in new york tonight?” up to chance is terrifying to me. although i will say that this behavior explains a lot about how she married a dude before she’d even learned his favorite color or astrological sign!
jonathan says that he met kimberly in new york and they “kicked it for two weeks,” and when they came back to chicago they went to walgreens and he bought her a ring pop (“ooh, ring pop!”) and told her it was a promise ring that one day he would marry her. i guess kimberly wanted to speed up that process because she ate that shit then demanded a real one, which she is wearing in court today??? this………………..is a modern fairytale.
jonathan says, “there’s a fourteen year age difference, but i like older females.” (female whats? don’t talk like this!) “any particular reason?” greg asks, and jonathan gazes over at kimberly with longing, his eyes coming to rest lustfully on her ample behind. “she got a booty! and i was on it!!” jonathan says she played him, though, which is a shame because he thought he was playing her. he invited her to his apartment to “put the game on her,” but she ended up putting the game on him. “she screwed me up,” he says, shaking his head. “she screwed something,” says the judge. “two weeks later you were ready to marry her? she must’ve done something special.”
kimberly says that after they got divorced (she doesn’t give a specific amount of time their marriage lasted) jonathan went back to new york and seemed to be doing okay. she says one day she got a call and it’s him: “i’m locked up.” he’d been picked up for cocaine distribution and they were holding him on a $100,000 bond. if i heard that sum of money being attached to my freedom, i would simply pass away. i feel like i know a few people who both have the money and also love me enough to give the state ten grand for my freedom but one hundred thousand dollars???? i would just laugh and tell them to lock my dumb ass up!
kimberly ended up getting jonathan a lawyer, and the lawyer worked it out so jonathan got probation. kimberly says she put up $3500 for bail and the lawyer was $700, and i really and truly wish i knew how $100,000 becomes $3500 but i am literally never going to research that. “bail math” is just gonna be a thing i’m fine not understanding. i will learn the algebraic equations of incarceration when and if it ever becomes a direct threat to my free will!!!!!
the ruling: jonathan says, “and that’s why i don’t think i should pay her back, because i had to do probation because she got me a cheap lawyer! i should’ve kept the pd!” kimberly replies, “well, if you hadn’t gotten locked up you wouldn’t have needed a lawyer at all!” and that’s right, girl. don’t make me your phone call and then get mad at how i helped you???? is he crazy??????
kimberly says jonathan was looking at 6-to-30 and, “you know how they are when they’re in jail, ‘baby, please get me out, i’m sorry…’” and jonathan interjects, “i only felt like that because i was worried someone was tapping the booty. i wanted to get back out and get back to my booty.” AND THEY SAY ROMANCE IS DEAD!!!!!!!!! greg clocks jonathan for gazing over at kimberly’s backside and says, “damn, it’s like that?!” and jonathan nods. it is indeed, as a matter of fact, like that.
if i was kimberly i would make this entire fourteen-minute video my dating profile. who gives a fuck what i like to watch on TV or my ideal first date, here is a man on nationally syndicated daytime television admitting to a (retired) judge that the one reason he wanted to get out of jail was to have sex with me!!! what else would one even need to SAY? jonathan reiterates that this is why he likes older women and kimberly demurely says, “well, that’s why you need to know how to handle an older woman,” and greg starts banging his gavel because he has had ENOUGH, what is this, sex court???
judge mathis asks jonathan why he thinks he shouldn’t have to pay and he says because he never asked kimberly to bond him out, “she chose to bond [him] out,” proving why older women shouldn’t fuck young dudes. sir, she didn’t see your jailfundme and donate a few bucks to your worthy cause, you called her!!!!!!!! greg asks if jonathan agreed to pay her back and after an uncomfortably long pause he says he didn’t, but of course kimberly has a copy of a promissory note he signed with her in court. if an old bitch doesn’t do anything else, she is going to have her paperwork!!!
the judge asks about jonathan’s counter claim and he says kimberly owes her for “some work [he] did around the house” and the entire courtroom busts out laughing. “you mean real work? like, with a hammer and nails?” greg asks, because he knows what the rest of us are thinking: this young man would like some arrears on kimberly’s, ahem, ar-rear. jonathan says he fixed things around the house that a contractor would otherwise be hired to do, and i would like to see the quality of this work he thinks he can charge kimberly for. for instance, i do the same work a chef might otherwise be hired to do, but no one is giving me money or a michelin star for my no-boil noodle lasagna with jarred sauce that came from the store??? go away from me with this, apollo!!
jonathan says, “i built a porch in front of her house!” and greg counters, “what was your agreement?” and yeah……………….there wasn’t one. turns out he did some painting and twisted a few screws and hey if the work was that big of a deal? brother, type up a fucking invoice. a monkey with google sheets on its phone could throw together something official-looking enough to be enforced in a matter of minutes, please either send her to collections or shut the fuck up!
kimberly says that to date jonathan has paid her six hundred dollars toward this debt he says he doesn’t owe, but he immediately negated that payment by getting arrested and having to be bonded out again. maybe i’ve seen jackie brown one too many times, but at this point should kimberly just become a bail bondsman? she’s gotta be an expert at this point, right??? she’s been to jail more times than the warden, fucking with this dude! anyhoo, i’m gonna go to bed, i knew kimberly had won this case as soon as i made out the full sized bootleg yankees logo tatted beneath jonathan’s eye. judgment for the plaintiff, who hopefully will never bone this dude again jk we know they’re gonna fuck right after this, probably in a holding cell.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “what kind of lawyer can you get for $700? on a dope case?? man, if your $700 lawyer got you probation a real lawyer would’ve gotten you off scot free!”
*bangs gavel*