who's on judge mathis today? #298
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: devonn from bellflower, california. devonn looks slick as hell, striding purposefully into the courtroom dressed head to toe in black (fitted dress shirt, shiny tie, leather belt, pressed slacks) with an anemic-looking accordion of truth™ tucked under one arm. he’s cute, which probably means he’s trouble.
defendant: michaelia from paramount, california. boy do i love a person in glasses. glasses are so sexy! also they make you look like an absolute genius. people will believe anything you say as long as you slide a pair of spectacles up the bridge of your nose before you say it. should we just go ahead and declare michaelia the winner of the case based on zero testimony or evidence because how could she possibly be wrong? verdict for the glasses!
the complaint: devonn and michaelia started dating, and he admits he was never fully faithful. devonn loaned michaelia money for her breast augmentation, but he says she hasn’t paid him back so he’s suing for the balance on the loan, plus restitution. restitution, according to law dot com (a real website i just found), is a noun that means: 1 returning to the proper owner property or the monetary value of loss. or 2 in criminal cases, one of the penalties imposed is requiring return of stolen goods to the victim or payment to the victim for harm caused. if she loses are they gonna………………..wheel in an operating table and restitute those titties???
what does he want: $3618
how it went down: devonn says he met michaelia at the car wash which reminded me of the time this past summer i was at the car wash vacuuming popcorn out of my passenger side wheel well when the older man at the next auto vacuum interrupted me to ask, “baby, why isn’t your man doing that for you?” first of all he’s correct, a man should always be the one to vacuum popcorn out of my car, but did you guys know people cruise at the fucking car wash? my head is shoved too firmly up my ass to ever notice what anyone else is doing, but as i turned to this gentleman to say “i killed him and made his bones into soup” i witnessed two or three other dudes bothering vacuuming women at the same damn time. is the self-service car wash the new match dot com?
devonn says he “was not being honest at the beginning and again at the end of the relationship” which means, you guessed it, he was dating someone else at the same time he was dating michaelia. this is a great time to mention that the dude who offered to organize my glove box at the car was absolutely undoubtedly unquestionably driving some other woman’s car. i saw her flowered nursing scrubs folded on the back seat! anyway, this tracks.
devonn says they eventually got pretty serious but there were a few things he took an issue with: 1 the arguing 2 “the cleanliness of the home” and 3 he doesn’t get to because he and the judge get into a debate about what constitutes cleanliness. those two things plus the mysterious third thing are the reasons devonn says he had to end his relationship with michaela. omg it just fucking dawned on me that this dude looks exactly like gary payton in 1996. i was squinting at my laptop like “wait, where do i know him from?” and thank god i finally figured out that i’ve never met this person, he just happens to be an exact replica of nine-time nba all star and nba champion point guard for the miami heat, gary dwayne payton, senior!
devonn says that after he dumped her, michaelia kept popping by his house asking if they could reconcile. he says some of these drop-ins occurred at five am, which sounds totally normal and real. michaelia says that devonn was right, he is a liar and she was bamboozled by him. she says that after a couple months of dating, she told him that they should probably part ways because of their “different views.” she says a few days after that, devonn showed up on her doorstep and pleaded that he couldn’t see a future without her. michaelia says she was skeptical about getting back together with devonn because she has four boys and was recently divorced at the time, but devonn assured her that he wanted to be a committed role model.
michaelia says that early on in their rekindled romance devonn told her he was surprised to be so drawn to her because he “doesn’t typically date black women.” as devonn protests from across the room, michaelia says that he told her black women are loud, full of drama, and “investigative,” which tells you everything you need to know about him. the judge says, “did you remind him that you’re black?” and michaelia says, “i did!” i’m not about to call in a relationship expert (i should), but to me this just sounds like the kind of negging a person does that’s supposed to make you feel lucky to be with them, which is a crime actually. wheel in the guillotine!
michaelia says that devonn was also obsessed with her breast size, telling her that he also typically dates “women with much larger breasts.” michaelia appears to be a very serious, no nonsense type of lady, she has not cracked even a hint of a smile this entire time, she’s just stood behind her podium staring holes into the judge. she says she agreed to get a plastic surgery consultation, and when they scheduled the surgery devonn said he would pay for the left breast only, i mean half.
michaelia says that in the weeks leading up to the surgery devonn called her and told her that because his dog had to have an emergency c-section he wouldn’t be able to “help [michaelia] out.” i do not particularly enjoy that phrasing, BUT: we move. michaela says that the dog’s surgery cost $1200, and i do not understand this math but she says that she told devonn that she would help with the vet bills if that would help him keep up his half of the bargain and he said yes.
michaelia had the surgery and says that two months later devonn was struck with a sudden-onset case of terminal breakup-itis. he told her that he thought he wanted to be in a relationship but he actually didn’t and also he just needed time to get himself together, and then she stopped hearing from him. judge mathis asks devonn for his side of the story, and he says, “with regard to me paying for half of the surgery, that was never a conversation between the defendant and myself.” WHAT.
the judge asks devonn how the breast augmentation came up in general, and he says that one day michaelia came to him out of the blue and asked what he thought about her getting her breasts done, and devonn says that he told her “if that’s something you feel like you need in order to be happy, i support whatever you want to do.” ooh, he thinks he’s slick! devonn continues, saying that michaelia told him she was going to get the money from a loan shark to pay for the procedure and he never offered to pay any portion of the cost. i know i shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but i’m sorry michaelia is simply not giving “gets her money from a dude who would cut off an appendage for every day she was overdue paying him back.”
greg asks michaelia if that’s true and she rolls her eyes like it’s the dumbest question she’s ever been asked in her entire life. devonn says that michaelia was going to get the money “from a guy” and that since there would be interest he told her that, as her boyfriend, he would assist her financially. i’m getting kind of mad! devonn says he has proof that michaelia made payments to him, one for $273 and one for $270 lol, and when he hands doyle the proof to give the judge michaelia says, “those were payments i made for dolly’s surgery, on carecredit” and now this is starting to make some goddamn sense.
carecredit is a special credit card that i learned about because every veterinary practice in america keeps a stack of their brochures handy for people who needed a surprise five thousand dollar loan real quick that they can get approval for while sitting in the lobby of a vet emergency clinic at two in the morning. i’ve been out the game for too long, because what i didn’t know is that you can now finance a boob job and lumineers and an oxygen tank and even to pay the minister who presides over your funeral service, and i think that’s great. why save up for months to get some injectables when you could just put it on your plastic surgery card?
it sounds like michaelia and devonn share a card/account and when devonn used it for the dog michaelia offered to put money on the balance as long as devonn agreed to do the same when the bill for her augmentation came due. devonn is trying to argue that the two payments for which he has proof are michaela’s payments toward her surgery. it doesn’t make sense to me that she would give him money at all on an account they share, because the money is owed to synchrony bank unless i missed the announcer saying devonn’s last name was carecredit? because if it’s in his name only then how could she rack up charges on the card without his permission? also, if they’ve only been dating for a handful of months, why are they financially entangled in the first place???
the judge asks devonn about the restitution and he says that michaelia vandalized his home and he wants her to pay for what she ruined. devonn says that michaela came over in a rage because he had another girl inside at the time, and she kicked the door in then poured water on his laptop and broke a pair of sunglasses. michaela says, “did you see me do it?” and the judge is like “well did you?” and devonn admits he was outside on the phone with the police at the time. damn, is michaelia a lawyer? according to what i think i’ve learned from law & order, i think she just pointed out some hearsay!
the cops get there and devonn says that michaelia ran off with his watch and his car keys, but he very generously decided not to press charges because she’s a mother of four. the state was like “lol fuck that, see your ass in court” and, after she pleaded guilty, ordered michaelia to pay devonn $600. michaelia’s version of this story is a little different, which is hilarious because devonn has actual court records in his hand on the other side of the room. greg mathis is never going to take the word of a television litigant over a sheet of paper signed by his brother judge! anyway michaelia says she stopped by devon’s house after a day at the water park with her kids and happened upon devonn and this other woman in bed. devonn jumps up and starts carrying on while michaelia and the mystery woman have a civil conversation on the other side of the bedroom. neither one knew about the other; michaelia tells mystery woman she’s been seeing devonn for six months, mystery woman tells michaelia that she and devonn have been together for two years!
at this point devonn goes outside to call the police and michaelia starts going around the apartment packing her things into a plastic grocery bag. she says she has no idea what the other woman scorned was doing at the time, she could’ve been popping every lens out of every pair of glasses in the building, but the most damage michaelia caused was taking some flowers out of a vase and dropping them on the floor because the vase belonged to her. greg asks her if that’s true then why would she plead guilty and paid the money if she was innocent, and michaelia says at that point she just wanted the whole thing to go away. and so do i, i thought a case about repossessing a big ol’ pair of ginormous honking boobs would be a lot more electrifying than this!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: i must have missed the declaration of a countersuit earlier, because apparently michaelia wants $3000 for court costs and lawyer fees. i already know she’s not gonna see a dime of that, she 1 pleaded guilty! and 2 paid the judgment! and guess what, i’m right. judge mathis is like FUCK OUTTA HERE, actually he says something like, “ma’am, you already pleaded guilty” but his *tone* is extremely FUCK OUTTA HERE and i love that.
michaelia really had my dumb ass fooled, because she also had to attend court-mandated anger management classes as a result of this event. damn, it really is always the quiet ones, huh? michaelia tries to argue that she pleaded no contest which doesn’t mean she’s guilty and greg says, “ma’am, you can’t order an innocent person to go to anger management.” OH SNAP. the judge says well now he can’t believe anything michaelia says, and though that may be warranted i don’t think it renders everything devonn said automatically proven fact? but greg does, and his opinion is the only one that matters, so judgment for the plaintiff and for those bouncing bazongas we never got to hear a richly-detailed description of.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: devonn: “your honor, this is my current girlfriend seated behind me. as you can see, she doesn’t have a boob job.”
greg, after a beat, “yeah, because you can’t afford it! that’s why you’re here for the money!”
*bangs gavel*
ps, it’s officially time.