plaintiff: vivian from cincinatti, ohio. vivian has a super cute side-swept hairstyle and an olive green bomber jackets. they’re a thing now, huh? wait it’s a sweater, which will never not be a thing. it’s finally fifty degrees out and i am currently wearing two different sweaters. what a dream!
defendant: andre from cincinatti, ohio. tall, black, bearded, dreads pulled back into a ponytail, navy suit. A SUIT? my future husband!
the complaint: andre, vivian’s cousin, stayed in her house without paying any rent.
what she wants: $615, for unpaid rent and utilities.
how it went down: andre is like a brother to vivian, especially since her mother raised him. before he moved in with her he was living with her parents, and let me make it clear that even though this gentleman appears to be either 32 or 97 years old (it’s hard to tell with black people), i support this. if the ravages of time hadn’t killed my parents 20+ years ago you better believe i’d still be living with one or both of them. i’d have a PhD, an enviable collection of soft cardigans and glasses chains, i would be able to recite the king james bible from memory, plus i’d have my own room!
andre had been living with vivian’s parents, helping them with the bills and taking care of them, then her mom died a year ago and her dad moved into a one-bedroom apartment. andre asked if he could store some of his belongings at vivian’s place, where she lived with her twin sister. she said he could leave his stuff there, but would wake up some mornings to find that andre had just slept over, too, because he didn’t have a place to live. she extended a generous invitation for him to stay at her house with his boxes.
andre says they never had an agreement on rent, which you know is bullshit because these are african americans. you can’t take a can of soup from us without us calling you two days later to see if we can borrow one back from you. andre claims that he “helped her out with groceries every time she needed it,” but you know that if you have ever fed an adult human male fifty bucks here and there isn’t putting a dent in shit. my wife has a teenage son who consumes approximately $457 worth of groceries every fifteen minutes. homeboy ate an entire bag of frozen mangoes i had hid behind some inconspicuous boring shit in the time it took for me to go to the bathroom the other day. for real, i came downstairs and this dude is licking nectar off his fingers like he’s on vacation. excuse me, in this economy? i was flabbergasted! as expensive as that shit is?? now i’ve started carrying the good snacks around the house in a hobo bindle just to make sure they don’t get eaten by anyone other than me the minute my back is turned.
vivian busts out her accordion folder (BOO YA) to find her paperwork that proves that they had an agreement that he would pay half the rent and utilities since her sister moved out and he decided to take over her responsibilities. she texted him the day before her mom’s funeral to ask if he was going to pay (aww) and rather than respond he moved out (yikes). that’s some cold ass shit.
the ruling: greg asks andre if he planned on giving vivian money and he walks right into the trap and says yes. UH OH, ANDRE. greg asks why he felt the need to pay her. andre says “because that’s where i lay my head at.” then greg is like “gotcha bitch” and asks why she had to sue him if he was actually going to give her the money. should i have become a lawyer? greg makes this shit look too easy.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: not really but he was mad as fuck about that $50 on some groceries nonsense, and i felt that. AN ENTIRE BAG OF ORGANIC MANGOES, MY GUY??? shit!