okay hi babies i missed you i love you i’m so sorry. first i got sick, then thanksgiving happened and i fucking hosted it which is a large and terrible mistake, then i went to dallas but bitch i’m back and greg never left so let’s get into it, shall we?
plaintiff: suake’via from tallahassee, florida. lmao wow i thought i was fucking smart until i tried to type TALLA-FUCKING-HASSEE. i had to double check it like three times! it looks wrong no matter how you spell it!! ok, suake’via: shiny pink dressy shirt with a little exposed cleave, glasses, beautiful natural fro, giant hoop earrings, lips and nails on point, just gorgeous. she’s got her accordion of truth™ FRONT AND CENTER.
defendant: justice from fort pierce, florida. wowie another aggressively beautiful young woman, which makes me extremely happy because it’s very satisfying to watch good looking people fight over dumb shit. does some bad shit ever happen to you in your regular, ugly person life and you just look at it like “yep, that tracks.” last week i went to buy flu-curing soup ingredients at the bougie grocery store where everything costs too much and they put all my shit in a paper bag and i gritted my teeth and pretended to be ok with it because i don’t want to get beat down in the parking lot over hating the environment, and the minute i walked out the door that shit disintegrated in my hand and i dropped 42 containers of unsalted broth on the asphalt. then i saw my melting, snot-soaked, disheveled reflection in the store window and shrugged like “sure, this is what i deserve.”
the complaint: suake’via is a makeup artist who was hired to do justice’s makeup for her wedding, for which she wasn’t paid.
what does she want: $1577 for unpaid makeup artistry services and defamation. countersuit, hoe! justice wants $2000 for the cost of a photographer and emotional distress. omg this is gonna be so good.
how it went down: so suake’via is obviously no stranger to the judge gregory mathis school of pulling oneself up by the straps of one’s boots, and she starts by telling him how she’s from a small town with zero prospects and she managed to avoid the pervasive gangs and drugs in her community and get a scholarship to pursue her dreams. greg loves that shit. if you got a redemption story, my man wants to fucking hear that shit. she’s in her third year of college, majoring in economics. GREG ACTUALLY STARTS CLAPPING. suake’via says that a couple years into college she started doing makeup to pull herself out of a depressive episode. i’m impressed!
justice says is also from a small town, and is obviously a quick fucking study. if you brought me on here and in the first six minutes got this mean motherfucker to clap for your ass i would scramble to invent a new backstory like “uhhh, i’m a 9-year-old orphan who born in a workhouse and sold into apprenticeship with an undertaker and then fell in with a group of street-urchin pickpockets led by the artful dodger. . .?” lmao fuck that shit. how can justice top that? “oh, she avoided the gangs? i got killed by one! i’m actually a ghost, judge mathis! clap for my floaty ass!!!!!!!”
justice initially hired suake’via to do the makeup for her bridal party of eleven! fucking! people! (omg) but then she dropped two of her bridesmaids and only needed her for nine. well, of course! no problem! listen, i understand as a person who served HOT DOGS at the wedding i wore FLIP FLOPS and SUNGLASSES to, that i should never be consulted about what constitutes wedding excess. honestly, do what you want. but! you cannot be surprised when a woman you hire to get nine faces together falls short on the job. i mean, i don’t even know what happened yet but as soon as i heard “nine bridesmaids” i was like “that’s a disaster!”
suake’via says that they agreed she’d do nine faces for a total of $600. she said that justice paid a deposit (i think?) and that the remaining balance of $77 was to be collected the day of the wedding. i do not understand the math but whatever. justice says that yes that was their agreement, and clears up the money part by clarifying that her bridesmaids were paying suake’via individually and a couple of them were short. THANK GOODNESS. that arbitrary ass $77 was going to drive me up a wall. justice says that she doesn’t believe she owes suake’via (even though she just admitted that she hadn’t been paid in full) because suake’via was late, she was dressed unprofessionally, she hit the blunt, and she was doing shots the entire time she was doing their makeup. my kingdom to hear judge mathis say “hit the blunt” every day for the rest of my life. someone figure out how to make it my ringtone!
the ruling: okayyyyy it’s accordion of truth time. justice has google images that she sent to suake’via of the makeup look she wanted, and bitch i’m not pat mcgrath but from what i can tell it’s just like a light beige ombre eye look with lashes. justice then hands greg a picture of her actual makeup, and she appears to have an entire gold lid and very thick black lashes. idk it looks pretty good to me? suake’via has her own visual evidence, and i’m not sure if this is misandry or not but maybe greg isn’t the best person to judge the intricacies of a glittery cut crease? like, he thinks the inner corner shadow is a mistake rather than an intentional highlight and listen dude you gotta watch a jackie aina tutorial before you try to rule on this shit, man! you don’t know what primer is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“you botched it!” greg shouts, circling the blindingly bright inner corner, and i’m doing a full body cringe because he should’ve called tyra banks or somebody to help with this one. most days all i wear is lip balm and perimenopausal neck stubble but even my dumb ass knows about and appreciates a gleaming highlight! suake’via chased justice down for this $77, to no avail, then took to facebook to complain about her. under the facebook post she made about justice being a shitty client, justice commented back and accused suake’via of having been high and late. sounds about right.
“defamation” and “emotional distress” are always longshots and today is no different. greg is not giving you money for passive aggressively going back and forth in facebook comments with a bitch, and justice tries to get that wasted photographer slash emotional distress money but suake’via has a text from justice that proves their lateness (and missed photo opportunities) were her own fault. so suake’via gets the $77 she’s owed, and all the other claims get flushed down the toilet. JUSTICE IS SERVED.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: HIT THE BLUNT. [screams]