plaintiff: zania from rochester, new york. formfitting black club dress and a long, golden (ochre?) wig, stacked lashes, very glossy lips.
defendant: phanyzha from rochester, new york. a high ponytail and a NEON PINK (i mean, it’s so bright it’s yelling at me from the screen!) blazer, glorious high ponytail, black shirt and black pants. accompanied by her girlfriend (ok now, we love to see it!), who is wearing a sharp navy sweater and black slacks.
the complaint: breach of contract? honestly, it’s not clear.
what does she want: $185, aka a moral victory, or maybe she just wanted a trip to chicago or to get judge mathis’ autograph in person? this can’t possibly be about the money, her hair and nails cost at least that! countersuit: phanyzha wants $500 for harassment, aka BITCH HOW DARE YOU BRING ME TO COURT I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.
how it went down: zania and phanyzha have been best friends since the third grade. in june 2019 phanyzha started behaving differently, which zania says is because of this nascent relationship with her girlfriend. she says phanyzha’s behavior started to change, that she became distant and meaner and they started fighting, and zania thinks that’s because her girlfriend is controlling her.
phanyzha confirms in this sweet and innocent voice that they have indeed been friends for fourteen years (practically sisters!) and says it’s because they’ve been friends for so long that she cannot believe zania would threaten to shoot her and her girlfriend over $185. WAIT, WHAT. where did that come from? lmao listen: i fucking love when people come on here and it’s clear they’ve watched more than a few law and order svu saturday marathons on usa because they immediately bring the D R A M A. is there a court tv-specific acting school? where did she learn to set that up like that?? anyway, if i was the judge i would’ve been like “hold up, a gun? over one hundred eighty-five goddamn dollars? case fucking dismissed!” phanyzha is extremely convincing.
in july they planned a trip: zania, phanyzha, and their respective partners decided to take a vacation to i don’t know where, because zania never says. there was some indecision about whether or not they were actually going to go (possible infidelity between phanyzha and her girlfriend almost ruined the vacation plans!) but ultimately they committed to the road trip. zania gave phanyzha $185 for the hotel for the weekend (WHERE???) and it was set. the day of the trip zania asked phanyzha for a ride (?) and she wouldn’t pick her up (?) so she no-showed on the trip. i’m so sorry, but i do not understand a single thing that is happening here! i truly have no idea what’s going on.
the ruling: okay now phanyzha’s girlfriend briasia is trying to explain what went down and i’m turning on the closed captioning because i feel like a moron. let’s try this again: briasia was supposed to drive phanyzha to virginia to take a CNA class. they invited zania to come with them. the day they were going to head out zania texted to ask if they could leave later in the day; all parties agreed. then there was a misunderstanding about where zania could leave her car while they were gone, and briasia offered zania her parking spot but she wouldn’t take it? I CAN FEEL MY BRAIN CELLS MICROWAVING THEMSELVES TO DEATH. zania was supposed to get a ride to briasia’s house (i assume they were all going to leave for the trip in one car?) but she refused to, even though it was three minutes away. this is exactly the kind of convoluted mess you’d expect a $185 fight to be over.
phanyzha says the hotel wouldn’t issue a refund on same day notice, and that sounds legit. zania says she didn’t go on the trip not because of the ride, but because they were “acting funny,” which i get. the last thing you want to do is be stuck in a car with people who are being weird to you. but that’s not the greatest defense. ok wait, the hotel gave them back $93 which, again, sounds legit! you never get the entire refund! these hotels do not give a FUCK, especially about mind games between ex-friends.
time for the defense to present the countersuit case. zania asked for her money back since she wasn’t going on the trip, and y’all know how hotels are. those refunds take a minimum of 72 business days to be reversed on your card. it’s some bullshit. they told her they’d have to wait for the hotel to refund them but that wasn’t good enough for zania and she threatened to jump and/or shoot phanyzha and briasia. has zania never read the expedia dot com fine print? OH SHIT THEY BROUGHT THE TEXTS. from printed kinko’s sheets fished from the bowels of an accordion of truth™ greg reads: “yo, we outside. we see your car, we know you’re there, you’ll be shot today.” wow, man! that’s spicy! but apparently zania’s boyfriend sent those so it’s irrelevant to this case. huh, good to know. but zania did call phanyzha 47 times in 2 hours, which definitely constitutes harassment in the court of mathis. $500 to phanyzha, $93.31 from a virginia beach holiday inn back to zania. i’m a petty asshole for real but imagine flying halfway across the fucking country trying to sue a bitch only to end up paying her $406.69. couldn’t be me!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: at one point phanyzha raises her hand and says “can i speak?” and judge mathis nods to briasia and says, “she’s the one controlling you, right? ask her!”