plaintiff: jessica from laguna beach, california. man, i loved that show. i was 100% not the targeted demographic, i know that, but i didn’t give a SHIT. i was team kristen for a long time because i’m fascinated by callous people, but then i switched to lc because she was just so nice and easy to root for even though stephen was playing her. look, if we’re keeping it all the way real i was team morgan, the chubby and enthusiastic mormon girl, because she was the only one who truly seemed like a normal school-aged person.
defendant: steven from laguna beach, california. you know who i was deeply invested in? talan and taylor. remember them? i really wanted them to work out! when i read that he married the lead pussycat doll my first thought was “oh no, is taylor sad about it? did she and alex m get invited to the wedding?” i think more about reality tv castoffs from 2004 than i think about my own family. rude!
the complaint: jessica is a heroin addict who lived in steven’s sober living facility. he forced her out and disposed of her possessions, and she wants money for her shit.
what does she want: $5000, the maximum!
how it went down: jessica is a beautiful woman with expensive-looking blonde hair who kicks shit off by saying she was a heroin addict but has been clean for two years. everyone claps. in 1999 she fell off a cliff and shattered her shoulder and the doctor gave her pain pills, then she graduated to oxycontin, and from there she started using heroin. i am currently writing this in a norco haze because my painfully rotting teeth are killing me slowly and i’m scheduled to have an apicoectomy on monday, and let me just say that i get it.
steven is a former olympic gymnast, which gets him his own round of applause. he first started helping people with recovery in the 70s. after he raised his family he gave up his house to help people get off drugs and alcohol. this is incredible! dude is really special! what a generous, selfless person. are we really gonna side against a man who devoted his entire life to helping strangers with their addictions? we are the fuck not! CASE DISMISSED.
in the best argument for obamacare i have ever seen, steven says that more people sought treatment under obamacare than they ever had before because they finally had the insurance they needed to get help. so while heroin use went up, so did the number of people checking into facilities because they had coverage and could afford to. greg has the entire audience clap and give thanks for the affordable care act. i would clap, too, but any movement i make with my body sends incandescent pain shooting through my face and jaw, so i just nod solemnly in agreement.
jessica says she was living in steven’s sober living house and she left to visit her grandmother one last time, and when she came back he asked her to move into a different one of his properties. (a chain of sober houses? baller!) she did, and then after a while he came to her and said he needed her to move out because he was going out of business. (oops!) jessica says he gave her notice and put her out on the same day. she left june 25th, and when she returned on june 30th to pick up her stuff as they’d prearranged it was gone.
the ruling: steven says jessica was staying at a detox house, where she wasn’t supposed to be staying, but the house manager was her boyfriend so he let her stay there against the rules. steven wanted them to leave the detox house and move back to the sober house, where jessica was supposed to be, which he was cleaning up because she’d trashed it. you know, every time i see someone being a benevolent angel i think to myself “damn, why can’t you be like that?” i mean, i donate to every gofundme i can and shop locally and all that shit, but sometimes i wonder why i’m not the kind of person who could give up my home to help someone. and this is why. if you trash my house that i sacrificed for your well being, i couldn’t be cool about it. i’d be a spiteful asshole, and then i’d be damned to hell. (probably?) long story short, after all these shenanigans steven put jessica out.
steven says he gave jessica three days to contact him about picking up her stuff after she left and says he never heard from her. jessica pulls out some phone records and texts, and greg reads one from some unspecified person that says “do you know where that lady’s clothes are?” and steven responds “THROW AWAY” and then bam, just like that, judgment for the plaintiff. so much for charity!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: after the extremely heartwarming “thank god for obamacare” moment, greg leaned back in his chair and said “aight now, don’t y’all go get high just because you know you can use your obamacare card for treatment.” i screamed.