plaintiff: christina from federal way, washington. tall, statuesque, gorgeous! she’s got, like, a slicked back bouffant? and a black bodysuit/pink a-line skirt combo, plus a statement belt and a jaunty neck scarf. she looks like she’s going to a sock hop and i love it.
defendant: antonio from everett, washington. blue shirt, plain tie, hand tattoo, nice looking. wait, is his eye actively bleeding???
the complaint: christina and antonio were friends with benefits who shared a storage unit, which antonio stopped paying for so christina lost all her stuff when it was sold at auction.
what does she want: $3780 for her possessions. countersuit, what what: antonio is countersuing for $2500 for unpaid rent.
how it went down: christina and antonio met in 2017 when she was going through a divorce. they met because he was “familiar with her music.” she needed a place to live so she moved into his place and they became friends with benefits, not a boyfriend-girlfriend situation, which she is adamant about. uh oh. sounds like every “i told you this was casual and i was gonna see other people!” i’ve ever heard. hmph.
antonio is kind of a quiet, morose-sounding dude, and he says that he actually wanted a relationship and that christina used him for a place to live and sex, especially because she never paid any rent. anthony’s backstory is that he rehabilitated himself from a life of drugs and crime, and now he has a good job and two cars and his own apartment! greg is happy to hear that, because it provides a good, uplifting example to the audience and “all the street guys that watch me.” are dope boys really rushing home at two in the afternoon to make sure they don’t miss an episode of this show or is he just talking about me?
christina says that living with antonio was hard because he’s jealous and she’s a free spirit. antonio defends himself by saying, “i’m a scorpio, your honor.” to which the judge responds, “you a scorpio? oh they’re some high-powered freaks!” then he starts cracking up about how all the women are gonna be lined up for antonio after christina confirms that he is, in fact, a high-powered freak. i do not like to think about my precious judge having sex because i don’t want to objectify him, but haha i’m lying i totally do. WHAT’S GOING ON UNDER THAT ROBE, GREGORY.
antonio would buy christina gifts instead of paying bills, and missing work because he wanted to stay home and have sex. that was a turnoff for christina, and i concur. antonio refused rent when she tried to pay him, and there was never an agreement for rent, which the rest of us know means “antonio thought you were paying the rent in pussy and that’s gross, man.” always take the cash!
the ruling: christina was on probation in two different counties, and she gives a long explanation about how she was getting divorced and wanted to start over so she asked her probation officer who wanted to extend her probation to instead convert that probation to jail time so she could get it over with, and they said “okay!” and arrested her on the spot. she had no time to get her affairs in order and was taken immediately to jail, where she says antonio didn’t visit her or send her anything or put any money on her books. ah ah ah, sister. you can’t be like “i just wanna bang and no extra shit” then get mad because he didn’t come see you in jail. jail is the very definition of EXTRA SHIT. your hookups don’t put money on your books, that’s boyfriend activity!
when she got out they got a hotel room and hooked up. while they were in the room she was playing on his phone and a message from public storage popped up saying that they were going to auction off everything in the unit. turns out he’d ignored all the previous messages about paying the bill. both of their items were in the unit because [drumroll please] they got evicted! i guess his landlord couldn’t accept transitive vaginal payments, eh? *clown shoes squeaking*
antonio lost all of their stuff for $179, which makes me sad. couldn’t he have gone back to crime for just a couple days? he’s suing her for unpaid rent and greg asks why he let her stay with him without a solid agreement and he says “i was in love with her” to which greg replies “well let’s keep it that way.” listen, let this be a lesson to all of us: charge people you are in love with more than they actually owe you. got a girlfriend? gouge that bitch! that way when it’s over you can be like “well at least i got extra ______.” every time my wife leaves the house i call out something dumb like “hey grab me six lattes on your way back” or “could you pop me some popcorn the old fashioned way on the stove before you go,” that way when she leaves me i can look back on the relationship like “it’s cool, i got twenty-five thousand starbucks out of her ass!” now that shit is romantic.
antonio gets nothing, and christina gets her full judgment because dude should have been able to beg for or borrow $179, which greg says is negligence. in the hallway afterward antonio is like “good luck, i hope we can still be friends.” and i’m thinking AWW ANTONIO YOU REALLY ARE SO SWEET AND SO DUMB LIKE A LITTLE WAGGING PUPPY until he adds, “maybe later on in time we can be something other than just friends.” come onnnnnn, man! *red nose honking*
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: he asked christina how it was living with antonio and she gazed longingly at him while struggling to find her words and greg said, “you can’t keep your eyes off antonio! i thought maybe you were looking at doyle but then i said, ‘oh no, she’s looking right at him, doctor.’ antonio, you’re the man.”