plaintiff: rushanda from taylor, michigan. according to maps, taylor is a 2 hour 2 minute drive from my home, which basically means rushanda and i are neighbors. she’s wearing a sensible black dress/gray cardigan combo, with a ladylike neck scarf. let’s talk about this: have i reached my “jaunty accent scarf” years? i’m from the cold, flat heartland and mostly own utilitarian outdoor accessories, like coats that can double as a heated outdoor tent in case your ford truck dies on the side of an icy highway and you need to stay warm in the middle of the night. i feel like i went through a tiny floral scarf phase in 7th-8th grade, which is maybe why in all of my school pictures i look like a receptionist at a second-rate law firm.
defendant: shawntise from detroit, michigan. man i fucking love detroit, and one day i will make a list of some good places i like to eat there but today we have other business. okay fine, come visit me and we can go here and here and here and probably here and definitely here and get coneys here and canelés here and pick up caribbean food from here and sure, you get it. shawntise is wearing a pretty orchid v-neck sweater and has thick, luxurious braids. plus an accordion of truth™ because of course.
the complaint: rushawnda is suing her husband’s ex-girlfriend (oh boy), against whom she has a restraining order, who also has four children with the husband. YIKES ALREADY.
what does she want: $3000 for defamation (i’m already nervous! greg hates defamation suits!) which is rarely granted because the evidence is always, like, “she talked shit about me on her private facebook,” which is usually not a crime! countersuit in the building: shawntise would like $3000 for emotional distress, another charge that makes greg yell a lot yet rarely results in a monetary reward, and i am fully breaking out in hives.
how it went down: first of all, shawntise is really fucking pretty. and you know nothing brings me joy more than watching beautiful people fighting. why should we homely people be the only slobs relegated to clawing each other’s eyes out over some stupid ass shit? drag a pretty woman in the ring! okay, let’s get down to business. rushanda starts off by saying her husband and shawntise used to date and have four children together. idk who is in charge of ~language~ or whatever, but there has to be a stronger designation than USED TO DATE when referring to someone you weren’t married to but with whom you SHARE THE CREATION OF FOUR HUMAN BEINGS. i “used to date” a woman who works at verizon, but if we’d even done so much as taken one trip to the humane society together i would invent a new title like, i don’t know, my “ex potential cat co-mom.” used to date? with four offspring??? bitch, come on!
in march of 2016 shawntise started sending rushanda messages on facebook (black facebook aunties are my kryptonite, hallelu!) concerning the children. i’m guessing she means this is how they communicated rather than texting? one day, when they were meeting at the police station to exchange the kids, shawntise side-swiped rushanda’s new car. well the police station exchange probably tells us all we need to know re: the state of these relationships. rushanda said she did that because she was jealous that she and the husband, a silent gentleman seated behind her in the witness chair who definitely doesn’t look like he’s worth all this fucking trouble, are together. jealous? over a man? in this economy?? yeah right!
rushanda got an order of protection against shawntise, which she violated by continuing to message her. shawntise even enlisted her sister to try to fight rushanda, which is precisely what i would do if i didn’t want to violate a restraining order but still wanted to beat you up. then shawntise called child protective services, multiple times, on rushanda and her still nameless husband. when that didn’t work shawntise started withholding visitation, for which she was found in contempt of court more than ten times. man, i was trying to be team shawntise because what a nightmare to have your ex and his new wife gang up on you on daytime tv but, um, it’s sounding like she deserves it!
it’s shawtise’s turn, and she says that despite what rushanda’s talking about she most certainly does not want her husband back, mostly because dude is mentally and physically abusive. he sent and posted nudes of her, and also placed an ad saying she would perform sex acts for money. imagine thinking someone would want homeboy back? wow, no thank you!
greg isn’t trying to hear any of that, though, because he’s got those contempt of court papers rushanda brought in his hand. shawntise says that yes she didn’t go to court, but it was because her son was being abused at his father’s house. uhh, maybe this should be in real court? with, you know, psychologists and social workers and shit? anyway, you’re never gonna talk greg out of a ruling from one of his fellow judges. shawntise then tells the court that rushanda has called child protective services on her twelve times. y’all know my wife is a social worker, in the public schools, and let me just tell you right now that they don’t make enough money for this foolish shit. twelve state-funded investigations over twelve false claims?! can’t you just tp her house and get on with it? SHIT.
the ruling: there’s a lot of back and forth about these accusations and i don’t want to bum you out but dude, it’s gobsmacking when people decide to operate this way, especially when allegations are unfounded. the kids know what’s going on and that stinks! by all means, call the state if you know a child is being harmed, but if you’re doing it just so you can wild out on black auntie facebook™ you gotta go directly to jail!
greg is visibly tired of this shit and says let’s get to the defamation. omg we haven’t gotten to the defamation yet?! whew. rushanda says she wanted to just let everything go and peacefully have her next baby in january of 2018. it’s worth noting that this gentleman, the father of a minimum of six children from what i can count, is sitting there saying absolutely nothing. maybe this is my misandry talking, but man i wish they could team up and just go after him. rushanda pulls more papers out of her overstuffed accordion of truth™, this time a printed-out screenshot of shawntise talking shit about her and her daughter on black auntie facebook™ in a defamatory way. basically shawntise wrote “my kids don’t go over [to rushanda’s house"] because her daughter loves touching on them.” shawntise claims she did that in retaliation for rushanda texting her boyfriend (maybe? i’m losing the threads here!) something bad.
i currently have two stepchildren and 66 unread text messages that i will never find time to answer, because you can’t close your eyes for even a minute when there are kids around, let alone have time to keep up with which of your friends got dumped or who wants to know where you got that sweater or what dank meme is trending or whatever people are messaging you about. how do theses busy moms have time for all this bullshit? yesterday it took me forty-seven minutes to read a single page because every time i looked down at my book i heard,
“um, excuse me, SAM”
and you know what these dudes wanted that was so pressing i couldn’t even enjoy one paragraph of this excellent monster novel in peace? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
i missed what shawntise read that rushanda had texted that caused her emotional distress because a child just figured out where i was hiding with my computer in a closet and asked “WHATCHA WATCHING” 192 times in rapid succession, but whatever it was greg ruled against her. he granted rushanda’s judgment because that facebook post was fucking bananas.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: he didn’t! but, to end this horrorshow on a lighter note, i wrote a streaming diary for thrillist about all the shit i listened to and watched in a week, and it’s dumb and funny and they put a picture of my man greg mathis at the top of the page, which you can find here. it’s only a matter of time before his people contact me and offer me a color commentary job, amirite? i wonder what color robe i’ll get!!