who's on judge mathis today? #42

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

the plaintiff: shontell from detroit, michigan. she’s dressed in a sleek black ensemble and looking like a sexy ninja. i cannot pull off a mock turtleneck and am extremely impressed by anyone who can. shontell is disarmingly beautiful, which is my favorite kind of syndicated court tv participant. let these pretty girls argue over scraps between commercials for gold bond powder and military-grade nonstick frying pans!

the defendant: meghan from detroit, michigan. meghan has long braids pinned in an updo and is wearing a loose striped blouse under a soft blazer with a tight pencil skirt, from what i can tell. she has one of those sexy walks that make me think of miss jay from top model. she sets her accordion of truth™ down with purpose

the complaint: shontell claims her former friend meghan is sneaky and is suing her for unpaid rent. just because you’re sneaky doesn’t mean you don’t pay your bills on time. *cough cough*

what does she want: $1450 for unpaid rent. oh no, a countersuit: meghan would like $1000 for emotional distress and harassment. here we go with this shit!

how it went down: shontell has known meghan since 4th grade. they lost contact after grade school and reconnected over facebook. it’s worth noting that these two women appear to be quite young so, sadly, there likely won’t be any black auntie facebook drama in this case. okay meghan just laughed and she definitely has braces and my auntie dreams have been officially dashed. shontell continues that once they reconnected they started partying and hanging out, even though many of their mutual friends warned her that meghan is “sneaky.” ugh sneaky is one of those words that when someone uses it to describe a person you don’t know if that means they’re going to take more than their share of communal breadsticks at dinner or they have a secret wife and family you don’t know about. it’s like “interesting.” do you mean “interesting” like she’s traveled a bunch and knows a lot of random facts or “interesting” like she only eats pickles and might be married to her dog?

apparently what shontell means by “sneaky” is that they were at a party once and she was talking to a dude, then when she went to the bathroom meghan sidled up to him and said “well she’s not going to get with you but i will.” well that is a little sneaky but it’s a dog eat dog world and meghan is just a squirrel out here trying to get a nut and i get it. greg asks meghan “wow, are you that thirsty?” and i would perish on the spot if that was me but she says very calmly “i have no idea what she’s talking about.” shontell’s next example is that one day she got new glasses and meghan told her she liked them, then two weeks later she had the same glasses. ok so i am guilty of this but i believe that’s what the children call influence. how would you know you need something without seeing that your friend has one? it’s 2019 baby, she should stop being mad and try to monetize that power!!!

meghan is fucking adorable, literally a goddamn human teddy bear, and she starts by saying shontell isn’t a very good friend (judge mathis: “i know she’s not!”) because she uses her to be the designated driver when they go out and that often she’ll leave the spot they went to together with men, leaving meghan there alone and worried about her. as the fat friend to several tiny drunk messes who’ve historically left me stranded at the bar making jokes for men who don’t want to fuck me, let me just say i’ve seen this movie before and i know how it ends. meghan says shontell is her responsibility when they go out, because she drove her, and she’s right that’s fucking girl code and shame on shontell for trying to make her look like a needy asshole!

shontell says they entered into a month-to-month lease in november 2018, and that meghan defaulted on their agreement in february and march. she says that in january she told meghan to find someplace else to live by the end of the month because they weren’t getting along and meghan had so many complaints about the house they were living in. shontell says meghan was paid up through february 1, and maybe i don’t understand the terms of a month-to-month lease but if i’m paid through january why do i have to pay the next month for a place i’m not living? meghan says that among the other problems with the house the heat went out during the polar vortex and shontell took FIVE DAMN DAYS to get it fixed. (if you are not from the middle west, you need to understand that this is a hate crime!)

meghan says that she had paid in full for january when shontell evicted her during that first week. she got into a car accident and couldn’t afford to leave her house in february but was out of there by march. shontell says meghan didn’t leave until march 15 and she had to go to court to seek an eviction, and i am irritated at having prematurely taken meghan’s side. she’s so cute, though!

the ruling: meghan’s claim of emotional harassment is basically that shontell was doing whatever she could to evict her from the house she was essentially squatting in, and when will people learn that greg doesn’t play that?! he dismisses her claim, saying that “knocking on your door” doesn’t qualify as emotional harassment. the judge grant’s shontell’s claim, as he is always very respectful when you show up with notarized paperwork from an actual court. judgment for the plaintiff!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: no but after he grants shontell’s judgment she screams “BITCH, RUN ME MY MONEY!” across the courtroom at meghan while trying to organize her ruffled stack of papers and folders back into her accordion of truth™ and that shit is hilarious, because those things are clearly intended to hold no more than two crisp, flat sheets of printer paper, not a bunch of waterlogged court documents and screenshots.