who's on judge mathis today? #43

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: chelsea from brooklyn, new york. the first thing that popped into my head when i saw her was “snow white!” because she’s pale with dark, shiny hair and is wearing deep crimson lipstick. she’s also wearing a belted royal blue dress with a drape-y collar and has an accordion of truth™ in the crook of her arm. i think chelsea is technically a young person but she is serving just-go-heat-up-some-easy-mac-i’m-watching-ellen-right-now realness. she looks very serious and extremely out of place on this show.

defendant: boris from brooklyn, new york. remember that time i went to new york and got an airbnb in brooklyn without knowing there are multiple brooklyns, and thought i was staying in “cute artisanal cheese shop brooklyn” but had actually rented a room in “dangerous get shot why did you come here brooklyn?” i wonder which part these two live in. anyway, boris has slicked-back blonde hair and is wearing a wine-colored cardigan over a necktie, so i’m sure you can guess!

the complaint: chelsea claims her former roommate moved in without her consent and never left their apartment

what does she want: $146 for utilities. you already know what the fuck i’m going to say. i understand that without people like chelsea i would be forced to leave my home and comb the streets looking for people to fight in front of me so i could write silly jokes about their arguments, but if you drag me from new york to chicago for money you could successfully panhandle i would absolutely try to kill you. countersuit: boris wants $1000 for harassment, which i actually appreciate because come on chelsea you could scrape together $150 from unused payphones at the train station girl come on!!!

how it went down: chelsea says living with boris, who introduced himself as “bo” when she met him, has been the worst experience of her entire life. truly i am happy for her that she has made it to 26-ish (i really can’t tell) and living with a cozy-sweatered vampire-looking dude is the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. we shouldn’t all have to arrive at adulthood as disheveled victims of extreme trauma, it’s genuinely nice to know that some people are ok! she says boris moved in without her awareness or consent, and when greg asks how she says because her other roommates let him sign the lease before she’d met him. this is a very complicated way of saying “fuck new york.” you gotta split rent nineteen ways in order to live anyplace good, and your roommates are so desperate for another warm body to cram into that rat-infested 400 square feet that the rest of the people they’ll be living with don’t even get to meet the new prospect first?! FUCK THAT, BITCH, LIVE IN IOWA.

chelsea says the day she met boris his eyes were rolling back in his head and he offered her a limp handshake, and from that day forward there were tons of red flags. he never left the apartment, he’d be cooking things that smelled like chemicals, he didn’t have a job, he would make experimental art projects in the middle of the living room, and one night he woke everyone up with his screams but then claimed to be doing okay. i am very suspicious that judge mathis has not screamed “CRACK!” at the top of his lungs yet, but maybe this dude does meth and for that he has a different protocol.

chelsea says she and another roommate moved out of the apartment for their own safety shortly after boris moved in. ok maybe he is actually dangerous and she just hasn’t said why yet, but isn’t this just inconvenience? or, you know, he sucks and is not fun to live with? i hate an old timey “i was scared for my life!” kind of damsel who really just means “i’m mad at this asshole and i don’t like him” and just wants to make it sound spicy. especially when all she’s trying to get is less than the phone bill i paid last month. boris says he never met chelsea or the other roommate who left prior to moving in and that’s the fault of the realty company who set them up. wait a minute, whom? seriously, break new york off and push it out into the atlantic because EXCUSE ME WHAT. a realtor? to sell a single room?? in an apartment??? where other people live???? what kind of nightmare shit is this!

boris is fucking weird but team him because out of his accordion of truth™ he pulls a copy of a twelve month lease that he signed for that apartment and says that chelsea and the other woman were only on a month-to-month lease so technically the crib was his. i still do not understand nyc real estate but i have certainly rented my fair share of terrible apartments in chicago, and even i know that a year lease trumps a monthly one! and greg agrees, even though chelsea protests that she had been living in that apartment for two years. the real estate company told boris that the women were already moving out, though chelsea says that isn’t true.

boris says that the day they met chelsea was wearing teeny little shorts and making weird sexual advances toward him, and when greg asks for details he said she would “lift her shorts and gyrate” and wow what does that even look like? gyrate is such a strange word to use in this instance and i am grossing myself out trying to picture what she was doing?? well i can stop that immediately because i just unpaused the video and the judge, in his robe and church shoes, is imitating cocking his legs up while grinding and please someone poke out my eyeballs. boris says after that initial meeting he didn’t see chelsea again for three weeks, at which point she came back to pick up some of her stuff because she’d been staying with her boyfriend. chelsea again says that she was staying with the boyfriend for her own safety but again doesn’t specify what she means, what was unsafe, then boris says she moved out that night. she doesn’t seem to be disputing that she only met this dude two times? and one of those times she was moving her stuff out? imagine getting worked up about a person who spent three weeks living with your least important clothes and belongings!

the ruling: chelsea says when she moved in they had a verbal agreement to split the utilities. her friend moved out and therefore isn’t responsible for march utilities, but boris moved in at the end of february so he should pay. she first sent him a venmo request for the money, which he ignored, then texted him about it. boris says chelsea agreed to shut the utilities off under her name so he could get them turned on in his as soon as he moved in, which she failed to do. he initially agreed to pay her even though she was supposed to turn the utilities off so she wouldn’t be charged for them, but he changed his mind once she started to threaten him. boris says chelsea texted him nonstop for six months and she even contacted the landlord to try to get them to cancel his lease. that is a lot, but also he agreed to pay her and he should’ve just done it. chelsea has big parent-teacher energy, and you gotta know when a young woman goes to the salon and chooses to get a dodge caravan bob of her own volition that she is not going to just let it go, she’s going to chase you (just under the speed limit, while sipping a nonfat latte) to the ends of the earth. judgment for the plaintiff, his case is dismissed.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: DID YOU SEE THE PART WHERE HE COCKED HIS LEGS UP???

*bangs gavel*