who's on judge mathis today? #45

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: erica from federal way, washington. a freakin’ cutie pie with several layers of sheer clothing (a sheer layered blouse under one of those sparkly sheer 3/4 sleeve not-cardigans), braids, glasses, accordion of truth™. seriously, so cute.

defendant: alejianna from kent, washington. okay now, this bitch means business. tall and stern-looking, wearing a casket sharp black v-neck sweater and pants over a crisp white collared shirt, dimples, perfect foundation application, hair gathered into a very mean-looking bun on the top of her head. NO ACCORDION OF TRUTH™ ANYWHERE ON HER PERSON. has this ever happened before? has anyone ever walked into this room just, i mean, completely naked of evidence? either she knows she’s in the wrong and has zero recourse or this is the most confident person who has ever walked the face of this earth. i am in awe!

the complaint: erica says that alejianna drove her car off the road into a ditch, then she hit a fence. i just felt my soul leave my body. IMAGINE SOMEONE DOING THIS TO YOUR CAR!!

what does she want: $3105 for damages to a vehicle

how it went down: erica met alejianna while working at the airport, where they sold overpriced high end electronics to sweaty, word-weary suckers who would rather pay $50 for a pair of snoy ear buds or $500 for a pair of bumpz noise-cancelling headphones than expose their precious ears to the sounds of other airline passengers. erica says alejianna was “carefree,” and i can’t tell whether that’s a dig or not, but then she goes on to say that alejianna would “twerk in the store” while the managers weren’t around and i think maybe it was? i don’t know! upon hearing this doyle the bailiff says, “i’d like to shop there” all lasciviously and now i’m wondering: do i want to fuck doyle?!

erica decided to take alejianna under her wing because she “could see that she needed the guidance,” and yeah that twerk shit was definitely a little shot. she continues that alejianna had gotten into some trouble with the law and she wanted to help her stay out of trouble because she was so young. (she’s 19!) erica helped alejianna find an apartment and helped her make a budget and okay maybe she’s a tattletale but i like her. people need help!

alejianna says that erica isn’t wrong, they did build a friendship over work and they got really close and erica did help guide her through life. alejianna says that she learned a lot of things from having to raise herself so erica can’t get all the credit. erica says that alejianna had been begging her for months to teach her how to drive and she finally agreed, and the first time she took her to practice they went to an empty parking lot and she did pretty well. uh oh. you can’t be puffing your chest up on some BITCH I’M GROWN shit and also not know how to merge on the highway, not in judge mathis’ courtroom. the look of disdain he gives alejianna could melt steel.

after the parking lot they drove to alejianna’s boyfriend’s house, and as she was trying to park something freaked her out and instead of hitting the brake she hit the fucking gas! she drove through a fence, into a ditch, and hit an abandoned house on the other side. i think i am having a secondhand panic attack? omg imagine you are just trying to help out your little friend from work or whatever and you end up plowing through a fence and into the side of a fucking house, tearing up your only car. i am hyperventilating. alejianna asked erica not to call the police but lmao girl fuck that. the cops couldn’t come out because they were too busy dealing with actual crimes, so since no one was hurt they told them to go to the police station and file a report.

the ruling: erica never got around to filing that report because she believed alejianna when she said she was going to pay her when she got her income tax return, and since it is the beginning of january and all of our friends are gonna be jackson hewitt rich over the next few weeks this is probably an excellent time to remind you that THEY ARE NEVER PAYING YOU BACK DON’T EVEN ASK. “i’ll get you come tax time” is the oldest scam in the book, and it’s sad that erica fell for it. she’s too nice!

alejianna claims that erica never called her to ask for her money and i’m sorry, what? in what world do we believe that you fucked up the car of a woman you work an hourly job with and she was just like *shrug* and never asked you about it? when i was 18 and driving an ‘88 ford escort to my minimum wage bakery job every day if you so much as breathed on it that shit would break down, and i would call you every week to see when you could pay me back so i could get my car out the shop because duh, bitch i sell donuts! i need that money!

greg tells alejianna to prove that erica told her she never had to pay the money back and because she doesn’t have an accordion of truth™ straining against the weight of a thousand printed-out text messages and whats app screenshots he finds her liable. judgment for the plaintiff, and he hopes she learns some responsibility. if someone had dragged teenage me into a courtroom where a surly dude who looked like a retired temptation was going to yell at me for being a regular child-moron i would have peed my pants, and since alejianna’s appear to be dry during the post-verdict hallway shouting match i think she’s gonna be just fine!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: greg said “twerk” approximately 172 times and i need someone to make me a supercut of it so i can make it my ringtone.

*bangs gavel*