who's on judge mathis today? #46

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: okay, i gotta make a confession. sometimes i watch these on the computer but today i am trying to clear out a backlog of episodes that are on the DVR because it’s like the first time in two weeks that my wife’s kids aren’t coughing influenza all over the fucking tv room and i’m trying to take advantage of school being back in session while pretending i live in this house alone. ok so i prefer to watch the show on tv because it goes quicker and there are 3-4 cases an episode and i can really just knock a whole week out if i hide my phone in the other room and disable iMessage on the laptop. anyway i was watching yesterday’s case about the girl who drove a toyota into an old building (i think?) and during the “coming up next” preview as the show went to commercial break there flashed this image from the upcoming case of a young (?) black woman (parashika, from chicago, it turns out) in a cheap magenta wig and a jean jacket with a neck tattoo who is suing a white dude who looks like...a destitute farmhand?

defendant: at first glance he (eric, from bedford, indiana, evidently) looks like one of the amish dudes i used to see at union station all the time when i was taking the wolverine between chicago and kalamazoo every other weekend: thick mutton chops and a beard but no mustache, a shiny black shirt, and a royal blue vest over it. he looks like a fucking werewolf, man, like an extra from the thriller video! HOW IN THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE FUCKING KNOW EACH OTHER. WHERE DID THEY MEET. WHAT BOUND THEM TOGETHER. sometimes i’ll see a couple out on the street and i’ll point them out to kirsten and be like “hey how does that 82 year old black man know that toothless young white lady?” and she’ll be like “maybe they volunteer together at church?” and i’ll be like “lmao you’re so cute the correct answer is DRUGS.” i had no idea what the case was even about but i saw that two-second clip and screamed, aloud, to no one, “OH SHIT I GOTTA WATCH THAT.”

the complaint: it turns out that parashika is suing her EX-FUCKING-BOYFRIEND (oh my god) for unpaid rent and the value of a purse

what does she want: $1900

how it went down: parashika met eric through mutual friends two years ago and they started dating. even though i heard this already, this fact that these two incongruous looking people are somehow involved in a romantic relationship with one another, i cannot get over it. i love this so fucking much. i would die for this couple. i hope greg can convince them to get back together! how the hell did this happen? WHAT FRIENDS and FROM WHERE. i want to know everything about eric and parashika, immediately. when parashika laughingly says their relationship was good at first judge mathis, with a straight face and zero inflection in his voice, said, “WHAT PART” while looking right at eric. i’m crying laughing at this. there has never been a better case! anyway, they were dating and everything was cool but then parashika found text messages and dating apps on eric’s phone and that led her to believe he was cheating on her. it appeared as though eric was lying to her and trying to get back with his ex (WHAT) so they broke up. i wish y’all could see greg’s face, he is smiling like the cat that caught the canary. i would pay real money to listen to them talk about what to make for dinner or what movie to go see. i’m inconsolable.

eric says that their relationship was great and the only problem was parashika’s trust issues. he says he never cheated on her or tried to get back with his ex. gregory, who is as giddy as i am over whatever is happening in front of him today, says “yeah man, you can’t help it if the women want you! tell her!” this is delightful! eric explains that his ex did try to come back because she regretted breaking up with him which he understood, i mean duh how could she not wanna get back with this fucking beefcake, but when that happened he tried to show parashika that he loved her and that he only wanted to be with her. parashika isn’t buying it, and this might be the most incredible piece of television i have ever seen. greg says eric needs to remember these four words next time he gets into lady trouble: i can’t help it. it’s not his fault that women desire him! and you know what? he’s right. don’t judge a teen wolf by his dense, woolen beard.

parashika is suing eric for rent because he got them evicted. eric was supposed to pay his half of the rent every month and she was responsible for hers, in addition to the utilities and food. eric lost his job and stopped paying his part, but up until then (according to eric) he would give parashika his check every single month, “no questions asked.” i’m starting to see that ol’ eric has a little swagger under his vitamin-deficient exterior, and i can maybe understand what parashika saw in this wee child of the corn. eric says he only owes her half of three months of rent, which only equals $525. WAIT WHERE THE HELL DID THEY LIVE.

once he ran out of money eric sold parashika’s prized louis vuitton purse and was supposed to pay the rent with it, and he did sell the bag but he used that money to buy weed because he had an ounce a day habit. is that a lot? i have no concept of drug weights! greg says that he understands having a glass or two of wine every night to relax, or coming home and smoking a joint or two at the end of a long day to go to sleep, but an ounce every day? unacceptable! “sir, you done turned yourself into a straight weed head!”

the ruling: the only thing eric is contesting is the extra one month’s rent, so the judge asks parashika to see the eviction notice. while he’s shuffling through her paperwork he says “only $500 for the purse? ma’am that must have been a “lewis” vuitton!” then doyle says “a saint louis vuitton!” and everyone in the courtroom is giggling and greg is doubled over laughing and i am saving this to watch every time i feel sad because this is incredible. i don’t even feel like i am adequately conveying the joy in the courtroom? long story short, it’s a party. the judge is crylaughing so hard he can’t breathe.

greg says he’s glad parashika’s not fronting and being ghetto fabulous with real louboutins and chanel bags she can’t afford and says “that’s what we call financial literacy.” well, um, that’s what the rest of us call “being broke and realistic” but okay greg go off you’re having fun so i’ll let that weird old timey shit slide. eric has not a single scrap of evidence in his defense so judgment for the plaintiff. in the post-verdict hallway interview eric says to the unseen camera operator “i hope we can get back together and work things out honestly” and he looks so sincere that my heart just cracked a little, and parashika jumps in saying, “he gotta get his shit together and stop smoking weed, shit!” and doyle is practically levitating with glee behind them. where is this show’s gotdamn golden globe?

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “SIR, you took her purse and sold it for weed! that’s a crackhead move, that ain’t no weed! that’s crack! everybody i know smokes weed, but they don’t steal purses!” he turns to doyle, who apparently loves smoking weed, and says, “YOU STEALING PURSES NOW?” to which doyle soberly responds, “not yet.”

*bangs gavel*