who's on judge mathis today? #47

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

before we get started, allow me please to introduce to you the loves of my life, parashika and eric! (i’m sorry it’s only a clip, if they upload the whole thing you know i gotchu!)

plaintiff: ledell from atlanta, georgia. gorgeous royal blue cowl neck blouse, the kind of top i always think i want to get when i see it on someone else yet never looks flattering once it arrives in my mailbox and i try it on, the kind of top i currently own 17 of because come on am i really gonna drive to the ups store for ann taylor and her loft?? black pants, tasteful jewelry, and an accordion of truth™ clutched in both hands.

defendant: eric from atlanta, georgia. tight navy dress shirt, patterned blue tie, khaki pants, sexy-ish five o’clock shadow, accordion of truth™. not the kind of dude you’d ruin your life over, but attractive enough that you’d let him sell you a fucked up car, for sure. speaking of ruining lives, i watched the first episode of the new bachelor? and babyyyyy i would let peter destroy my entire fucking life. he is so charming and so cute and i would put my hand in a garbage disposal if he told me to, wow!

the complaint: ledell claims eric sold her a car illegally and wants that money back

what does she want: $1050 for the aforementioned illegal car. not to be this fucking asshole, BUT: unless the car literally caught fire while you were driving it $1050 is a pretty sweet deal for a ride? eric is countersuing: he wants $1000 for defamation of character, which is very stressful because greg almost never grants that shit but okay!

how it went down: ledell starts by telling the judge that eric is a “stone cold crook” which is so hilarious and old school i think i just fell in love with her? she met him when she was purchasing a vehicle to start a “lyft business.” is ledell secretly 137 years old? “lyft business?” “stone cold crook??” IS THIS MY GRANDMOTHER ON HERE. ledell says didn’t trust eric because he was moving around and talking fast, obviously trying to get one over on her, and greg chimes in, saying, “sounds like crack!” dude looks too young and shiny to be a crackhead but what the fuck do i know, i’m a moron. ledell says she isn’t the first person eric has “crooked,” and seriously please show me the time machine she climbed out of. ledell goes on to say that the man who owns the shop next door to eric’s told her that eric had stolen a car from him and they had “done the whole litigation thing” but she’s not sure how it all turned out. to me that sounds like a fact that should be read from a xeroxed court record ledell should be pulling out of her accordion of truth™, but i guess not! we’re just gonna take her word for it! ledell’s daughter also allegedly bought a lemon from eric years ago and they had a very long and involved battle over it. wait, he screwed her daughter over, too? why the fuck did ledell buy a car from this dude then? sounds like an open and shut case of THAT’S WHAT YOU GET.

eric begins to plead his case by calling ledell a liar. he says she’s a cougar and a sugar mama who only bought a car from him because she wanted to take care of him. umm, what’s the problem? do you know how hard it is to get someone to buy you so much as a newspaper, sir? you better gleefully accept that cougaring! eric says ledell came to him to buy a car because she liked him, that his homeboy put him up on game about ledell before she even came in so he knew what time it was. apparently their mutual friend said “hey this lady likes you, she thinks you’re a good looking successful person, she’s gonna come get a car from you.” eric says that when ledell first came to his shop she was offering to help him with his business and do his taxes and take care of him, and why would she do all that if she thought he was a crook?? he continues that she dragged the car buying process out, dropping by with a little deposit here and a little plate of food there, and i hate to agree with a man about literally anything but yeah this is how i flirt so i’m inclined to believe him? he says her whole vibe was flirtatious and he knew she wanted more from him than just the car but he never acted on it.

ledell finally made all her payments on the vehicle and two days after she got it the engine light came on. ain’t that a bitch? from her accordion of truth™ she pulls out an estimate from a mechanic and a printout of the “engine codes,” and i would love for greg to pretend like he understands what any of those things mean. she then says that “this crook right here” also sold her a car that didn’t have a current passing emissions test, which is illegal in the state of georgia. to prove that ledell says she has a voicemail from eric that he left on her machine five days after the official sale date saying that he’d just gotten the emissions test done, and indeed she does and she plays it. you know when you’re having a conversation with some lying-ass liar and they start overexplaining shit and talking too fast and saying too many words and honestly they don’t even have to do all that, just say the bad thing, get it over with so we can move on to the next part and stop circling the drain of embarrassment while hoping to be struck by lightning? THAT’S WHAT HIS VOICEMAIL IS LIKE.

so much cringeworthy talking in circles around the truth when he could have just offered to bone her in exchange for looking the other way on the whole emissions thing. also, you can’t do shady business with people who look like they’re on the usher board at church. if you’re gonna sell somebody a shitty car, that somebody needs to have spotty credit and suspicious references and they need to pay up front in cash before disappearing into thin air because they don’t want any trouble with the law. that somebody needs to be me! after we agonize through that messages eric launches into professional dealer mode and starts spinning this convoluted web about mountains of paperwork and car sale regulations and georgia law and i already suffered through that voicemail, i’m not listening to this shit again.

the ruling: lucky for me greg is sick of his shit. eric sold ledell the car without getting the emissions test done, and it’s right there in black and white on the paperwork ledell brought from the state, so he cuts him off to say that his case is dismissed (without hearing any evidence!) and ledell’s is granted. i watched this case with my stepkid who is home sick again with this nefarious flu that’s going around, and let me tell you that i have never felt more ridiculous than when she turned to ask me “what is this show?” then sat blinking patiently at me as i tried to explain syndicated reality court tv to a sixth grader who only watches the disney channel’s wisecracking comedy tweens. here is a partial list of the questions she asked me while i was just trying to mind my business watch my fucking show:
“which one do you believe?”
“who do you want to win?”
“what does ‘running game’ mean?”
“what’s a cougar?” followed immediately by “what’s a sugar mama?”
“do you think he actually sold her a bad car?”
“did we get an emissions test?”
“do you know those people?”
“who’s judge mathis?”
“do some people come on shows like this just because they want to be on tv?”
most of my answers to these questions were “GIRL, IF YOU DON’T—” until she finally got the hint and just sat there and drank her goddamn juice. at the end when greg banged his gavel and hopped up to go to his fake chambers she turned to me and said, “now does he go to jail?” and yo we aren’t on that prison shit in this house but that made me laugh so i will let her watch with me tomorrow unless whatever is in her lungs crawls out and kills us all.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “man, how weak is your game for a woman to go from ‘taking care of you’ to suing you??”

*bangs gavel*