plaintiff: sharonda from irving, texas. tight black top displaying beautiful cleavage, thick gold hoop earrings, which i am thrilled are making a comeback, and long auburn hair parted down the middle. sharonda is very pretty, and has a very official-looking accordion of truth™.
defendant: cecil from dallas, texas. cecil looks too fucking old to have business with sharonda. he’s wearing a too-large gray blazer over a black dress shirt and a black satin necktie, and if i saw these two on the street i would think “what is he doing to her?” i wouldn’t say shit, because i’m not a nosy snitch, but i would sit in my car watching them for a second too long to make sure he’s not doing any crimes to her.
the complaint: cecil reneged on the payments he took over for sharonda’s car
what does she want: $2380 for breach of contract and emotional distress. what have i called the announcer guy on here in the past, bert? mitch?? anyway, as phil is introducing cecil he says, and this is a direct quote because i turned the closed captioning on to make sure i heard him correctly, “cecil believes sharonda has a crush on him, because once he met another woman sharonda started giving him attitude.” listen, we live in hell so i gotta find the little joys in life wherever i can get them, and this middle aged suburban dad putting a little stank on the word attitude is what is going to see me through to another day. i love him! anyway, cecil is countersuing for $810 for car repairs.
how it went down: sharonda chokes backs tears as she explains that she met cecil through a sister she never knew she had who showed up on her doorstep eleven years ago, a sister whom cecil had raised. ok bitch, i was wrong for assuming something nefarious was going on here, but cecil is fucking double wrong for thinking his daughter’s sister might have a crush on him??? sharonda and her twin sister were shocked at this revelation, and their father confirmed that this new woman at their door was indeed their long lost sister. holy shit. i have three sisters who vex me to no end, and the thought of an extra one just, you know, showing the fuck up? i broke out in full body hives!
sharonda hands the judge some paperwork that proves the sister is indeed related to her and i’m not going to go off on a whole thing, BUT: you’re gonna have to get my ancestry dot com information off my fucking corpse, doc. there is no way i would ever willingly sign up for that shit. anyway sharonda says she and her twin received their new sister with open arms and now they are the best of friends despite the initial anger their new sister (she remains nameless, i’m sorry!) had for their father who’d abandoned her during infancy. see?? this is why you can’t connect with your long lost relatives! what if they get mad at your life? or worse, WHAT IF YOU ARE JEALOUS OF THEIRS??? if i found out i had a sibling who hadn’t been raised in abject poverty by addicts and thieves i would lose my ever-loving shit!
cecil stepped in to raise unnamed sister when she was a toddler, and when she entered sharonda’s life so did he. sharonda says cecil’s a wonderful man and her children call him “paw paw.” aw, that’s nice! greg theoretically applauds cecil for stepping in and then the audience literally does, which is awkward. it’s gotta be fucking weird to be on the receiving end of all this fawning praise while getting sued. instead of letting cecil collect his flowers and pat himself on the back, greg interjects to tell us yet another story about how he once was in jail. finally cecil gets to speak, and he says he met his not-daughter’s mom while playing semi-pro baseball in new mexico.
ok i promise i’m not high but do you guys ever hear about someone’s work or hobby and it’s a thing you had no idea existed, and then that makes you think about how many people are into that thing you’ve never thought about, and then you bug the fuck out because the earth is so big and there are so many people on it doing things you’ve never heard of before? THIS IS FUCKING DUMB but i heard “semi-pro baseball in albuquerque” and i thought “wow there are enough people who care about semi-pro baseball in albuquerque that there’s a league and a field and concessions and tickets and money to go into that shit? who knew!” isn’t that wild?? i used to work with this woman who went to my little pony collectors conferences that hundreds of people attended and i would listen to her talk about it in awe like “yikes, the world is so big.” ugh, i am so sorry for this nightmarish rambling!
anyway cecil married the mom and they lived happily ever after until they didn’t. i am suspicious of how heartwarming this all seems. thankfully sharonda dispels all that by saying cecil is an alcoholic who says mean things when he’s been drinking. he gets so mean that she thought there had to be drugs involved, too, especially since she recognized his behavior from some of the things she used to do when she was addicted to drugs. ahhh i get why we spent so much time on all that lovey dovey: she was setting up a cozy landing for the crack! cecil admits to being an alcoholic but denies ever having done any hard drugs.
in march 2019 sharonda had a nissan armada she could no longer pay the note on. (sidebar: are black people the only ones who say “car note?” i said something about a car note to our white neighbor a couple months ago and she was like “A WHAT” and looked at me like i’d sprouted a second head! she’d never heard that before? what do white people call it, a car bill? someone fill in the sentence “i gotta cash my check and pay the car _____” for me so i know what to say next time i can’t think of anything to say to the lady up the street. anyway, thank god for this show confirming i get to keep my naacp membership for another year!) cecil offered to take the car off her hands and they agreed that he would pay $296 every two weeks for it, but the last payment he made on the car was in august. sharonda hands greg a bunch of papers that include printed out pictures of the vehicle and notices from the bank that the payments are overdue. the emotional distress portion of the suit is because she’s had anxiety attacks ever since he took the car because of his failure to pay.
the ruling: cecil argues that that wasn’t their agreement and insinuates that sharonda wanted to have sex with him because she sat next to him at breakfast one time and danced with him on his birthday after he got divorced. is that all it takes?? cecil says that shortly after that he met a new woman and started dating her and then sharonda “changed.” yes, i’m sure sharonda was willing to jeopardize this tenuous relationship she had with her new sister by fucking around with her drunk and/or high adopted dad. give me a fucking break, cecil! greg asks sharonda if she got mad because cecil wouldn’t get with her, and sharonda says “see, that’s where the crack stuff comes from!” and the judge is so delighted with that answer he actually claps his hands.
cecil admits to being late on the payments and greg says “well that’s when you shoulda gave in” and yo that’s exactly what i was thinking? i’m sorry, you have a crush on me and are thinking about taking me to court? never mind that lawsuit, you just won yourself a new girlfriend! cecil says the agreement was that if he ever got behind she would help him pay, but who would agree to that if the reason they were giving up the car in the first place is because they couldn’t pay for it? no one would!
cecil is countersuing because the head gaskets (?) broke in the car after he took over possession from sharonda. he has a receipt dated march 16, the day after he took the car, from his mechanic. but the mechanic is a friend of his (strike 1) and the “receipt” is a little scrap of paper someone wrote “labor and parts” on that he could’ve gotten from any damn where (strike 2), and since he just admitted to falling behind on the payments (strike 3) the judge dismisses his case and grants sharonda’s. he’s out!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: when cecil kept claiming that sharonda wanted to bang him, greg shouted, “and i’m trying to tell you how i know she didn’t want you! you’re old and broke and she’s young and fine!”