who's on judge mathis today? #5

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: shannon from chicago, illinois. shannon is wearing butt-length blonde extensions, a mostly-sheer dress meant for the club, big gold hoop earrings, and luxurious false lashes. this is how i would dress every day if i weren’t such a coward, but alas.

defendant: cheyenne from chicago, illinois. club dress, a shiny center-parted wig, long fake nails, copious neck tattoos: MY QUEEN.

the complaint: cheyenne is a hairstylist and messed up shannon’s birthday hairstyle.

what she wants: $2000, for a bald spot she got when cheyenne did her hair for her birthday.

how it went down: shannon starts off by describing cheyenne as “loud and obnoxious,” among other terrible things, and it appears somebody has done a little reading up on how to effectively poison a jury. but is that a wise strategy? LISTEN YOUR HONOR, SHE SUCKS SHE’S MEAN SHE’S REVOLTING UGH I BASICALLY HATE HER, AND HERE ARE THE MYRIAD WAYS I HAVE CONTINUED TO TRUST HER WITH MY HEALTH AND MONEY.
shannon claims that cheyenne is the type of stylist who “schedules you for an appointment at 11 o’clock but isn’t ready to see you until 5 or 6.” forgive this editorializing, BUT: isn’t that just how it goes at a black hair salon? i shaved my hair off when i was 16 and have been natural ever since, mostly due to extreme laziness and seborrhea, but back when i had to go to mi’ lady salon (seriously, that’s what it was called!) every other saturday morning for a wash with a press n’ curl while my mother got a burgundy dye job and a roller set we would show up promptly at 9am and arrive back home at approximately midnight.
cheyenne says shannon thinks she wants to be like her, which she adamantly DOES NOT. as a matter of fact, cheyenne says shannon wants to be like HER. this is why your friends gotta all be different from you, because all this competition sounds exhausting!
shannon went to get her hair done and cheyenne was running so late that she ended up waiting until 2 or 3 in the morning before she could even get in the chair. GREG IS SHOCKED. 12+ hours!! honestly? i believe it. that’s just how it goes! has he never met a woman with microbraids?? shannon says that cheyenne also charges her more because she knows she “got it like that.” again, this tracks. you can’t have your family do anything for you, especially if they know you aren’t broke. if i go to my sister’s house for any reason i walk in the door like “hi, i just got robbed” so they don’t ask me for shit. wait, is it possible that i’m kin to these people?!
the hairstyle in question was a slicked-up long ponytail, which shannon immediately removed once she got home because it was pulling and it hurt. she went back to cheyenne the next day to get her hair redone, and cheyenne put it in a different high pony while ignoring the bald spot that shannon didn’t know was there yet. upon discovery of said spot later on shannon texted cheyenne, who responded “it’s only hair, it’ll grow back.” AN ICON. imagine being so sure of your skills and your business that you can have customer service this terrible!

the ruling: shannon gives the judge a bunch of printed-out text messages, which is absolutely my kind of party. every time someone texts me i imagine them pulling a damp stack of papers out of a manila folder on court tv, which is why all my text conversations look like this:
you hey sam, how are you?
me same old soup, just reheated! how are u
you actually i’m wondering if you could venmo me that 100 dollars you owe me
lmao you’re not catching me, hoe! you already know the texts said some variation of “fine, shit, i’ll fix it tell me what i owe you” and the judge ordered her to pay the full amount. stop texting people!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: shannon gave greg a picture of her “hairstyle,” which is really one of those looking back over her shoulder shots of her poppin’ booty in some tight ass jeans, to prove to him how tightly her edges had been snatched, about which he said “you can’t even see the hairstyle, you’re so busy trying to show your behind!” SUSTAINED.

*bangs gavel*