plaintiff: christina from bakersfield, california. she’s wearing a silky paisley tunic and her hair is in soft, cascading waves and if i don’t figure out which part of my glasses to look through i am going to fall over and die. also we had a blizzard this weekend and despite the portable dyson heater i turned all the way up to 99 degrees it is freezing in this room and my fingers are blue. wasn’t it straight up balmy a week and a half ago? someone please burn this house down with me inside!
defendant: kevin from bakersfield, california. kevin looks like an extra in a scorsese movie, like a third-tier mob guy sulking in the back of the restaurant where they plot crimes, grumbling and stabbing angrily at a plate of manicotti. he’s got combed-back silver hair and a beautifully groomed silver goatee, a maroon dress shirt and hideous diagonally striped tie, and there’s an accordion of truth™ tucked under his arm.
the complaint: christina dated kevin and says he RAN OVER HER FUCKING DOG (ohmygod) and left it permanently injured.
what does she want: $2909 for vet bills. kevin, who apparently has more nerve than a fucking toothache, has filed a countersuit. he would like $708, the balance due on a refrigerator.
how it went down: “kevin’s so cheap he squeaks when he walks,” begins christina, and i have never heard this saying before but will be adopting it immediately. kevin, who has procured a pair of glasses from somewhere and looks instantly smarter in them, grimaces in response. seems like something a cheap ass would do. look it’s one thing being broke but being cheap?? ELECTRIC CHAIR. i once was so broke i sold my entire car for like $85, but because i’m not cheap i spent more than half of that $85 on something stupid as god intended. anyway, greg is delighted by this and asks christina when she and kevin started dating and she says 2017.
examples of kevin’s cheapness:
-they went to a restaurant and he ordered one entree and asked for two plates
-at that same dinner she ordered a margarita and he told the waiter “no tequila.”
this was their first date.
here’s the thing though, babe: it is absolutely your fault if you continue to date somebody who stinks, especially if you’re fortunate enough to find that out the very first time you make their acquaintance. it’s one thing if you get tricked, which has happened to us all and often makes a compelling case for justifiable homicide. but if you are lucky enough to have your first date be a disaster, you don’t have to spend your courtship anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop! you can just shake hands over your virgin margarita and block his number from your phone! it’s like a favor from the universe when shit sucks from the jump, because you can just get the fuck out of it and be no worse for the wear. if i hate somebody on the first try, there’s no second try. no harm, no foul, buddy. it’s fucking refreshing when someone kicks it off like “hey, nice to meet you, i’m a huge piece of shit,” giving you the opportunity to just flush that turd and move on.
christina says the second red flag (why let there be two?????) was that kevin would do normal relationshippy things like put twenty bucks in her gas tank or buy her a pack of cigarettes etc over the course of a month, but then at the end of the month he would PRESENT HER WITH A FUCKING BILL. i might have to turn this off because i am going to have a motherfucking aneurysm. again, can’t be mad at kevin, because girl you should have seen this shit coming when he clowned you at the restaurant. and, okay, you gave him the benefit of the doubt or whatever, but after the first month he did this (she said there were a total of six!) whyyyyy did you keep fucking with this asshole? i mean you don’t have to buy anyone anything, who cares, this isn’t about chivalry...but what part of the game is handing someone a bill for the nice boyfriend things you did for them all month? did kevin employ an accountant just to keep track of the money he spent on his girlfriend’s tampons and occasional dry cleaning? this is hilarious! i’m auditing every single one of my failed relationships and sending 1099s out tonight! anyway kevin and christina dated for three fiscal quarters, oops, i mean nine months.
kevin says that dating christina has been a roller coaster and she’s been using him for his money, which doesn’t sound possible? but also, kev, if you suspect someone is using you why not just dump her? what is going on here? it’s worth mentioning that these people appear to be between 47 and 192 years old, thus capable of making informed decisions with regard to their romantic lives. kevin says christina is always broke even though she gets more from social security than he does, and christina counters that if she lived with her mom and dad she’d have money, too. bitch i’m about to throw this tv out the fucking window, WHAT. kevin says he lives with his parents because they both are sick and he takes care of them, and after greg asks him multiple times if the reason money is an issue is because he’s paying his parents’ bills he finally admits that “taking care of them” is, uh, theoretical. he’s just living off them, with his squeaking cheap ass!
i’m gonna skip the gruesome parts of this but long story short christina and kevin were sitting on the tailgate of his truck while her dog was running around, kevin got into the truck to drive off, and he ran over the dog’s leg. her dog was at the regular vet for five days and required a referral to a specialty vet, and y’all know i know nothing better than the cost of animal care after having devoted the entirety of my adult life to getting screamed at by wealthy suburbanites about how much prescription dog foods cost, so tbh $2900 for a dislocated leg seems like a steal.
the ruling: i’m sorry, i can’t get over this, i’m just trying to imagine handing my lady a bill at the end of this month because i put gas in the car and picked up a jar of adaptogen powder for her, trying to imagine the look on her face as i demand repayment for that astrology book i got her last week, i am positively giddy at the thought of the rage that would consume her entire body as she unsuspectingly tears open an invoice, from me, for a box of swiffer dusters and some dish soap. she would run me over with the lawnmower and leave my body in the compost. what in the world!
OKAY ENOUGH OF THAT. kevin again says christina is a gold digger and sure, maybe, but dude you ran over her fucking dog. accident, on purpose, don’t matter: you did that shit and you should pay for it. kevin pulls a bunch of highlighted sheets of printer paper out of his accordion of truth™ and waves them around while screaming something about a “leash law,” then explains that they had gone to a potato field to pick potatoes (ROMANCE) and the dog was running alongside his truck and darted in front of it to chase a squirrel and that’s when the accident happened. greg says since he knew the dog was off-leash he was participating in that illegal activity and yo this is exhilarating it’s just like law and order! all that highlighting just to get yourself caught!
kevin bought christina a refrigerator and she says she neither asked for it nor agreed to pay him back, but kevin has proof of some payments she made and she says “okay well, i did that because i felt sorry for him” and greg snaps, “well keep feeling sorry for him, you only have 700 more sorries to go!” god i love him. her judgment is $1454 because they were equally negligent, less the $708 christina has to pay back for the refrigerator. what a letdown. in the hallway kevin says, “i guess i shoulda put her on a leash” and i hope christina uses her old fridge to store his dead body. justice is served!
does uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: no but he did use the term “comparative negligence” while issuing his verdict, which reminded me that oh yeah this dude is actually a real judge and not a wisecracking tyler perry character!
*bangs gavel*