plaintiff: rochelle from university heights, ohio. i am writing this while trying to cook a delicious dinner and also trying tune out whoever in this house is singing the chorus of taylor swift’s “me” at the top of their lungs on repeat, so if there’s any gaps or inconsistencies now you know why. rochelle is wearing a fitted black pussybow blouse with giant ornamental earrings swinging from her earlobes, a look i’d very much like to steal. her hair is slick and parted down the middle and she has chosen a bold emerald eyeshadow for today’s proceedings. in her hand is not only an accordion of truth™ but also a bright blue sheet of paper and a folded napkin? a maxi pad?? it’s hard to tell!
defendant: david from maple heights, ohio. uh oh, david looks like the kind of dude i would ruin my entire life over. first of all, he’s wearing a fucking chris evans sweater: soft and cream colored with a shawl collar, absolutely cozy as fuck. there’s a black button up underneath and a pair of dark khakis, plus he has a smooth milk chocolate bald head accompanied by expertly sculpted facial hair, 100% my kryptonite. he’s short and stout, like a teapot, and i would definitely let him tip me over and pour me out.
the complaint: rochelle did some interior decorating in david’s house, for which she was not paid!
what does she want: $914 for unpaid wages and defamation of character, and my boyfriend is countersuing for $1225 for a refund and emotional distress.
how it went down: rochelle says she met david years ago when he hit on her and she was not at all interested. i’m not just saying this because dude is cute, but i would literally melt into a puddle of molten goo if someone i’d unsuccessfully flirted with 1 sued me and 2 told the judge (and a television audience) that i was so revolting to them they brought me the fuck to court. i mean, i know that’s not why she’s suing him but she may as well be!! imagine me and the DHL driver i wrote my landline number in a goddamn hallmark card for in 2007 (A TRAGEDY, TRULY) in a courtroom, arguing over nine hundred dollars and why he didn’t want to fuck me. bitch i would do an avada kedavra!
rochelle says she wasn’t interested in him because even though he’s a “nice guy” david is also a playboy and a sugar daddy and lmao i am failing to see the problem here??? you know how many paces i’ve let broke, ugly motherfuckers put me through? if this hot piece offered to buy me a happy meal i’d let him walk me like a dog. i’m too old and mean to be a sugar baby now but if i could? I WOULD. david told her he pays one girl’s bills to the tune of $900 a month, and supports another with 1700 monthly dollars. what does he do for a living? seriously, though, unless rochelle is worried that his money is going to run out she should have at least banged him until her car was paid off!
david says he met rochelle ten years ago when they were working at the same foster care agency, and that sure he tried to talk to her but he was a young man and was trying to holler at anybody he could. that feels mean. anyway, a couple years after he left the agency david decided to start a youth mentoring program, and when he posted about it on facebook rochelle inboxed him and said she wanted to help out. david’s program got funding from the city, and rochelle worked for him as a paid employee until the money got pulled due to some bureaucratic bullshit and he had to shut the program down.
then david, apropos of nothing, proceeds to give a hoteppian monologue about how no man on earth could look him in the face and seriously tell him he doesn’t have a desire to date more than one woman. i’m shuddering as i immediately flash back to the dozens of similar diatribes i have withstood while mentally calculating how best to remove my belongings from a soon-to-be ex-boyfriend’s apartment. listen, it’s okay if you want to date and/or fuck a bunch of people, but the catch is they have to know that that’s what you’re doing. it’s gotta be a choice, people. you have to let your partners opt in. if you need a dozen women, tell me and i’ll decide if i want 1/12 of your available dating energy. i probably will, because people are emotionally taxing and the more time i have to be alone and stare at a wall the better, but it can’t be a surprise. greg takes this opportunity to lecture david about selfishness, which i appreciate.
rochelle says that she currently has a decorating business and that she and david had a verbal agreement that she would decorate his home. she says that they agreed to $100 an hour for shopping/decorating, but things started out badly when he bounced a check for her $75 consultation fee. david ended up paying cash for the consultation, then gave rochelle an additional $650 to buy furniture and decorations. david is disputing the hours she spent actually working on his behalf and interrupts her multiple times until greg finally cuts him off, saying, “SIR, I CAN ADD.” lmao greg hates this dude!
the ruling: rochelle is flipping through a stack of xeroxed sheets of paper trying to figure out the exact number of hours she worked and on what dates, and the judge does not have patience for this shit. it feels clear to me that david was probably like “i gave you money, bye!” which is why it’s tricky doing business with your friends. they don’t care that you spent three days driving around looking for a lamp for them! and they certainly don’t want to pay you for your trouble! rochelle can’t get her story straight, so greg says he’s gonna have to go with david’s accounting. why doesn’t she just hand the bailiff the papers so the judge can sort it out? why stuff your accordion of truth™ with exonerating documents only to keep them to yourself???
david says rochelle only worked in his house for an hour the first time she came by, and the second time they just “drank wine and talked.” oh, rochelle. doth the lady protest too much? was all that talk about not being attracted to him a ruse?! david says in total rochelle only worked for 2.5 hours, and greg writes down $250. as for the defamation rochelle says david wrote some nasty things about her business on facebook, but the printed out screenshots she brought reveal that he didn’t specify which terrible business he was referring to so that’s a fucking bust, too.
the judge asks david about the $1225 he wants when he only admitted to giving rochelle $650, and greg is pretty spiced up and clearly hates this man with the fire of a thousand suns and damn i wish rochelle would’ve had her paperwork in order because you can just tell gregory is dying to throw the book at this charming asshole. david’s claim is dismissed without greg even acknowledging whatever that emotional distress bullshit was gonna be, and he grants rochelle $250 for setting up ol boy’s homegoods discounted end tables and throw pillows or whatever the fuck she did.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “i’m glad you’re doing [mentoring], just don’t teach those young men how to be freaks.”
*bangs gavel*