who's on judge mathis today? #55

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: marvin from bartlesville, oklahoma. wrinkled blue dress shirt, dark maroon-ish tie, and a disconnected graying goatee. his hair is doing an interesting sideswept bang kind of thing, and his accordion of truth™ is front and center.

defendant: paul also from bartlesville, oklahoma. is this the most famous thing to ever happen to the town of bartlesville?? PROBABLY. paul is dressed in a deep forest green button down from the big and tall store and, i gotta say, i love this color and more men should consider wearing it. will you look like a lower-tier duck dynasty cast member playing dress up? sure! but you’ll also be cute. my very large man is wearing just for men mustache and beard™ in rich dark brown and is totally reminding me of george papadopoulos from webster, one of the many great television programs from my long gone youth.

the complaint: marvin let paul (bunyan) live with him and he never paid him any rent!

what does he want: $2500 for rent, food, and emotional distress, the modern day maslow hierarchy of needs! paul (bunyan) is countersuing for $1000 for emotional distress, which should be a lot of fun.

how it went down: marvin says that when they were children paul (bunyan) was the chosen one, and it is just now dawning on me that they are brothers? i gotta get my listening comprehension checked, i.e. stop typing while people are talking and refusing to rewind for clarity. grandma apparently told everyone that paul (bunyan) was the chosen one and needed to be taken care of. paul (bunyan) is marvin’s older brother and marvin resents the idea that he needs to take care of anyone because he has a hard enough time trying to take care of himself. man, i heard that shit. he was raised very poor, and marvin went to california with his mom when he was seven because he was dyslexic and in the 70s there wasn’t anyone who could help him in the midwest. ugh life is so hard and terrible. poor marvin! also this is why class arguments are more compelling than ideological ones, but i am way too dumb to say any more about it than that!

while marvin is detailing his painful childhood, paul (bunyan) is standing with his arms crossed, cruelly smirking over at his sad, downtrodden brother. god, siblings are the fucking worst! marvin says they didn’t really get along, especially because paul (bunyan) used to beat him up and call him stupid in front of other people. i do feel bad for marvin, but i also remember picking up and throwing my bike at my sister jane one hot summer day when she was taunting me, causing her to rear back and slap me very hard in the face. sometimes kids are just wild and bad like that!

paul (bunyan) says he was adopted and raised by his grandparents and he didn’t even know marvin was his brother until he was nine years old. and yes, he was brought up with a silver spoon in his mouth. his mother and his father both spoiled him, in addition to his grandparents, and they even had enough money for him to go to college. okay wait, so marvin was made to eat dust growing up, feeling his grapes of wrath fantasy, and paul got to go the fuck to college??? VERDICT FOR THE PLAINTIFF.

greg hates paul (bunyan), it’s clear. he loathes an asshole of privilege. moving on, paul says “i may be a bad person but i’ve never pulled a machete on my brother or shot at him through a closed door.” um, sir? that is oddly specific! what the hell are you talking about? the judge is like “LOLWAT” and then paul says that in january he had a girl over (i don’t think he specified how/why they lived together but since marvin is suing for rent let’s just assume it’s his crib?) and marvin came home cussin’ and fussin’ and the girl didn’t like the language he was using. paul (bunyan) asked marvin if he could dial it down, and i guess he could not because he immediately went into his bedroom and came out with a machete. he swings and misses a couple of times and then goes back in his room and comes out with a 9mm pistol. he’s swinging the machete with one hand and waving the gun with the other, and paul (bunyan) grabs marvin’s machete hand (what a sophie’s fucking choice, eh?) and then marvin hit him with the butt of the gun in the back of his head. marvin retreated to his room and paul (bunyan) and his ladyfriend were freaking out and before they could get their wits about them a bullet came flying through the closed door they were standing in front of. WHAT IN THE FUCK. the bullet missed paul (bunyan) by inches.

marvin says that night paul (bunyan) was drunk and being loud and he asked him politely to show both the lady and his home some respect and he only got the machete to protect himself from a potential attack. ok finally greg asks why paul (bunyan) even lived with marvin in the first place and he says it’s because he lived with a woman for 23 years and she broke up with him and kept the house. greg asks why paul (bunyan) couldn’t afford his own spot, especially since he and marvin don’t get along, and paul (bunyan) glosses over that shit to say well they didn’t fight all the time. paul (bunyan) says he just needed a place for a few months but ended up staying at marvin’s for eight months because they started growing marijuana together. sounds like they shoulda smoked that shit, then instead of hacking at each other with swords they could’ve just kicked back and chilled the fuck out.

the ruling: greg is furious at this dude and it’s so fucking funny. omg this case is getting a second commercial break? how long must i suffer??? ok we’re back. paul (bunyan) agreed to pay $200/month starting in march to marvin, and he says he sometimes paid in cash so he doesn’t have a real record of how many payments he’s made. paul (bunyan) doesn’t have a bank account so there’s no proof of what he’s paid his brother, and he pulls out a bunch of looseleaf sheets of paper he wrote “rent” on (i think) and listen, this is the way i do bookkeeping, too, so i can’t judge. if i got sued right now i would have to go to the bank and ask them to print out a bunch of statements for me and put my bifocals on to highlight whatever payments i was getting sued about and hope that it held up in court. honestly, who are we kidding? I WOULD JUST PAY.

when the IRS came to get me a couple years ago because i don’t understand how book money and 1099s work they were like “would you be able to do some forensic accounting and get back to us with any discrepancies?” and i replied “for the $17 i made? no, ma’am, just put me on a payment plan so i can hang the fuck up.” imagine me, dragging my little suitcase full of receipts for truck stop nachos and amtrak tickets up to some terrifying federal building to argue about why i shouldn’t pay my taxes! YEAH RIGHT. anyway, because paul (bunyan) doesn’t have any records gregory grants marvin’s judgment, but because marvin fucking shot at him greg grants paul (bunyan)’s, too. greg storms out of the courtroom in a huff. meanwhile, i’m gonna call and check in with my dumbass sister.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: paul (bunyan), as he tries to make excuses for why he’s a failure even though he grew up spoiled, “can i finish, your honor?” greg “NO.”

*bangs gavel*