who's on judge mathis today? #58

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: nakima from denton, texas. wow wow wow nakima is wearing a a gorgeous true red pantsuit with a frilly white blouse that has a long keyhole opening, and her hair is swept to the side and sitting in barrel curls on her shoulders. she looks, frankly, too good to be in this fake-ass courtroom today.

defendant: breonna from irving, texas. alright now, breonna is wearing a neon pink blazer so eye-searingly bright you could see it from space over a grey bodysuit (probably? it’s v skimming) and black pants. her little curly fro is dyed platinum blonde and her accordion of truth™ is wound extra tight. both of these girls are fucking cute man, and that’s my favorite kind of party!

the complaint: nakima is an aspiring singer and hired breonna to help her with social media image. i know that this is our lives now, but god it is just so painful to imagine someone trying to figure out how to get ahead in a creative career. i wrote a blog for ten years then put out a book on an indie publisher for free and stumbled into an agent who understands that i have 1 no ambition and 2 no desire to leave the midwest, but i don’t know what the fuck i would do if i wanted to be a famous singer. fight people on tiktok? take a live action shit on instagram?? i guess this is why she had to hire someone!

what does she want: $1260 for breach of contract because she was unhappy with breonna’s services. breonna is, of course, countersuing for $1200 for lost wages!

how it went down: nakima is an aspiring singer who has always had a passion for music. on july 6 she got the opportunity to meet ne-yo and sing for him, and “in that encounter he gave [her] the motivation and the stamp of approval” and assured her that she had talent and could make a career out of it. umm, ok? keep in mind that i am an ~extremely~ stupid person, BUT: if he thought that wouldn’t he want to develop nakima as an artist and help amplify her talent? i’m not saying she isn’t talented, i guess what i’m saying is why build up a girl’s hopes and dreams if you are in the position to help her and then send her out into the world of instagram helpers she’s gonna have to eventually sue? anyway we don’t even know if she actually met ne-yo i’m just saying if you’re gonna tell somebody to shoot for the stars why not give them a fucking boost?

a fire was lit in nakima and she became very determined to pursue a singing career. because she’s a full time student her time is limited, so she decided to hire breonna to help build her image on social media. breonna says she is a creative director and stylist who worked for a brand for two years but decided she wanted to stop working for other people and go out on her own. she comes up with vision boards and styles creative campaigns and when people talk like this my brain starts to liquify inside my head, all that “synergy” and “brand strategy” doesn’t make sense to me so let’s just say she sounds very official. the crowd claps when breonna says that she has a degree in fashion merchandising and then greg goes on a rant about how college doesn’t teach anything practical and as a dropout i would agree but also, gregory, i just saw an ad for southern new hampshire online university during the commercial so quit playing!

breonna has been doing this for three months and wants to open doors for people in her community. nakima was one of those people, and after breonna had used her as a model on a project nakima reached out and asked her to help craft an image online. breonna agreed to help and everything was great as they were putting together a plan with nakima’s parents, but as soon as her parents left nakima became a complete diva. the parents were there because they were the ones paying for the service. omg i’m trying to imagine sitting through a meeting with my child and her little friend about my coming up off a thousand dollars to put her little twitter together or whatever????? bitch yeah right! picture me in my uterus sweatshirt sitting at the dining room table nodding and stroking my chin whiskers like, “ahh, yes, synergy...and engagement!” while pulling out my dusty pocketbook to write a teenager an actual check! it could not be me!

nakima hands the judge a flyer with breonna’s rates on them. okay i am too ugly to use words like “styling concept” but alas here are some of the services nakima signed up for:
-six concept shoots, styled and directed
-breonna would get a styling budget to buy clothes for nakima
there’s more but nakima cuts greg off as he’s going down the list to say that she didn’t like the clothes breonna bought and they weren’t what she asked for. greg asks if nakima has brought evidence of what she wanted to court and she says no, and the judge asks how can he know what breonna got wrong if there’s no evidence of what she was supposed to do? nakima catches a little fucking attitude and WELP THERE GOES THAT DIVA BREONNA ALLUDED TO. she was being all high-pitched and fluttery eyelashed at first but here comes ol’ patti lupone! greg threatens to dismiss her case and nakima tucks that attitude right back in.

breonna says she was hired as an image consultant and that when they’d initially sat down to construct a look that nakima wasn’t specific re: dresses vs pants or whatever, that breonna was to use her best judgment to make a look that fit the style they’d agreed upon. breonna says that whatever nakima was doing for herself obviously wasn’t working, and that’s why she hired her. lmao i heard that shit! greg clearly loves breonna and so do i. i love me a little spitfire.

the ruling: nakima says she is “very passive and not very vocal,” which is a game some people like to play and i hate it. breonna screams “LIES” as nakima shifts back into her upper register to try to get back on greg’s good side. then she tries to compliment breonna by calling her a “great speaker.” homegirl really knows what she’s doing, i’ll give her that. is this what she showed ne-yo? because almost everyone in hollywood is phony like this so she’s obviously gonna do great! nakima says the day after breonna gave her the clothes for her new image she decided she didn’t like them and told her parents. she emailed breonna and said “hey, maybe it would just be easier for me to buy my own clothing.” nakima offered to give the clothes back in exchange for the $500 she’d given breonna to buy them. she says breonna refused to accommodate the refund and that the clothes were “used.”

greg asks nakima if breonna had offered to go get different clothes and nakima said she had, and greg says if that’s true then it was actually nakima who broke the contract because she didn’t give breonna a chance to fix it. nakima says that breonna also broke their agreement because she’d said she would pay for the clothes and the photographer and a fucking videographer out of the $500 (i mean??????????) nakima had given her. i’m sorry, what? i know she’s passive but is it also this girl’s first day on earth?? in what world!

nakima says that breonna told her she wouldn’t have to pay the photographers because “they’re her friends,” and wow i would like to have some friends like that! all my friends are like “remember that coffee i bought you last week? ima need that $2 back.” pieces of shit. anyway nakima hands greg a few pages of printed out text sheets™ that she says prove it, and greg is in utter disbelief! he hands the papers back and says “READ WHERE IT SAYS THAT” and it doesn’t. in an attempt to bolster her case nakima says she asked for receipts for the photographers and wasn’t provided with any, and breonna counters that she only asked for the receipts for the clothes, which she provided. nakima is still playing the damsel in distress and says she doesn’t know how to ask for what she wants then greg yells “well, how was she supposed to know?”

OH MY GOD THIS IS A TWO-COMMERCIAL CASE WILL IT NEVER END. look, i am about to put a casserole in the oven so i missed some of this never-ending talking while trying to tend to my rice but obviously is doesn’t mean anything because greg dismisses nakima’s case. (the extra $760 she was suing for was a scammer surcharge and that’s so fucking funny.) she literally cannot believe her church mouse cosplay didn’t work. as for breonna’s countersuit, she somehow can’t articulate that she deserves to be paid for the time she spent shopping well enough to satisfy the judge so he dismisses her claim, too. what a colossal waste of all of our time. see you on the billboard chart, boo!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: not this time but he had a very spicy attitude throughout this entire mess that i very much appreciated.

*bangs gavel*