who's on judge mathis today? #6

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: nakita from locust grove, georgia. red blazer, bejeweled necklace, deadly serious demeanor.

defendant: chontay from loganville, georgia. chontay has an accordion folder, so you know she came to FIGHT.

the complaint: nakita hired chontay to plan her wedding to her dream man, then he died (oh no i’m awful!) before they could get married. it feels darksided to continue writing this, but shit i already started so i guess let’s get into it?

what does she want: $4800, an incredible sum for tv court, which chontay is refusing to return to nakita after her fiance’s death. bitch, what the fuck? stealing from a dead man’s almost-wife? that’s hell behavior!

how it went down: nakita can’t even begin telling this story without crying, and listen greg should just give her her judgment right now so none of us has to suffer through this sad story. nakita was in an abusive relationship that she got out of to be a positive example to her children, and when she did she met the love of her life. seven days before the wedding he went to pick up his tuxedo, and when he came home to show it off he had a heart attack and died. jesus, this is really sad! nakita can’t stop crying! brb i’m going to figure out how to cast a spell on this ruthless other bitch.
gregory is using his low, eerily calm voice and that is making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. hold on, SPEAKING OF DARK ENERGY: i happened to catch a lil snippet of maury before this, and on his show was a man denying the paternity of a young child, a man who himself had been a child tested for paternity on maury’s show sixteen years earlier! maury was really sitting on a couch showing this dude a video of some asshole calling his mom “a hoe” in 2003 like that shit is cool! i was staring at my computer, like, AGOG at that shit. what the fucking fuck??? that’s the worst shit i’ve ever seen in my life. anyway, we live in hell!
ok so nakita lists all the payments she’s made to chontay and says that chontay refused to give her a refund because by the time she asked for it all of the vendors had been paid. well…that makes sense? and maybe i am a terrible fucking person but in that case, uhhh: sorry to this man but we are eating tiny sandwiches and wedding cake at your goddamn funeral. i mean, right? lemonade out of lemons??
chontay begins by offering nakita her condolences and that’s an extremely strong opening. she’s playing chess, not checkers. she says they were introduced when nakita’s first wedding planner suddenly died and I’M SORRY WHAT. a real (live) black widow!! chontay opens the accordion of truth™ to reveal that the first payment nakita listed went to the original (deceased) wedding planner. chontay explains that she has a no refund policy because once a date is blocked off it’s not like she could offer that date to another prospective client, and man this is making a lot of sense and i apologize for being so mean about her earlier.

the ruling: PLOT TWIST. text messages to the rescue! frankly, this part was boring and convoluted and i took a phone call from a wrong number, but the gist of it is that chontay lied about having canceled the venue and was going to pocket the money? or something? honestly he always looks like he resents these cases where someone actually had something sad happen and it would be inappropriate for him to get spicy. you know what? i do, too!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: not quite but at the end he shouted IT WAS AN ACT OF GOD so loud it woke up my cat!

*bangs gavel*