who's on judge mathis today? #61

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: raquel from chicago, illinois. raquel is wearing a multi-colored breezy tunic under what i affectionately like to call a “fat lady fancy jacket” which goes something like: small lapels, loosely-structured fabric, no buttons/zippers/closures of any kind, A-line and a little bit tent-like, decorative non-functional pockets, 3/4 length sleeves. every fat bitch on earth has something similar to this moldering away in the furthest corner of her closet, a jacket that’s too thin and impractical to be warm (i’m supposed to ward off a chill with my fucking wrists out?) yet covers enough that if hiding your body is a thing you like to do then it sort of does that; a blazer with back vents and breast darting that is somehow not quit nice enough to be considered formalwear; a cardigan masquerading as a piece of suiting that you can’t close and doesn’t have anyplace for you to stash your phone. in other words, A DIRTY TRICK THAT HAS BEEN PLAYED ON US ALL.

defendant: julian and veronika from chicago, illinois. julian is wearing a slate grey dress shirt and grey striped tie and has an enviable soul patch, and veronika is very pretty and wearing a chevron-patterend skirt with a black top/sweater combo and large hoop earrings. they’re cute! i would watch their sex tape! there’s no accordion of truth™ in sight but they are holding hands, which is sweet!

the complaint: raquel fronted the money for veronika to get a car and then julian crashed that car and totaled it.

what does she want: $5000 for breach of contract!

how it went down: my computer is at 19% power so let’s see how this goes. i feel like there is an off brand power cord in every room of the house until i actually need to use one, and then BLAMMO: they’ve all disappeared. we’re racing against the clock, tick tock hoe! raquel says that julian, her son, not only doesn’t take her seriously but he also doesn’t take life seriously. i’m with julian. life is a miserable slog of dodging bills you can’t pay until you finally collapse into a grave, why not make fun of it on the way out? raquel says julian has been getting in trouble for most of his life, which she understands because he’s been doing what he sees her do. the judge asks, “what has he seen you do?” and i am bracing myself for her to say “CRACK.” she surprises me by saying “drinking,” then adding that her drug of choice was coke. julian doesn’t do coke but when he drinks he get himself into trouble. raquel says he gets drunk and fights with his wife, which veronika concedes is the truth.

in 2009 raquel’s house got raided and they found coke and guns inside and she went to prison. i cannot stress enough just how casually raquel delivers this shocking news? it’s like if you asked me what i just got at the store and i said, “oh, you know, some diet cokes, a box of fish sticks, some scratch-offs, and oh yeah i went to prison for a few years on the way home.” LOLWAT. raquel got sober in prison and when she got out and came home she saw the madness she had created and left behind. she just wants julian to get the help that he needs.

greg is not here for this saint raquel act, baby. all this “saving him from my mistakes” shit after she abandoned him for most of his childhood? the judge refuses to hear any of it! you fucked up and now your son can’t have a couple beers every once in a while?? not in his courtroom! julian says that he loves his mom but she was a drug dealer and user throughout his childhood. he says that instead of learning how to read he was taught how to fight and bag drugs, and i am wondering how badly she needs this $5000 because greg is going to rip her shit apart after listening to all this? it just doesn’t seem wise to sue the child you never taught to fucking read on national television!

julian says it’s hard to fill out job applications and fix your credit score when all you know is gangbanging. as a person who had electric bills in her name in the second goddamn grade, i fucking concur. pulling yourself up out of a terrible childhood is hard as hell, and bitch i can read!!!!!!! julian put raquel in rehab as recently as four years ago which, coincidentally, is the same time he graduated high school at 22. the audience claps, i clap, the cats clap, and why doesn’t raquel just gather up her papers and go the fuck home? julian did an apprenticeship in carpentry and has been taking care of himself and we are all very proud of this young man.

veronika says she met julian fresh out of jail and spent years re-educating him on how normal people live: you go to work for 40 hours a week, you take care of your kids and teach them right from wrong, you practice kindness. oh man, what a fucking angel. anyway, raquel says that veronika asked her to co-sign on a car, and raquel agreed on the condition that julian would never drive it. less than thirty days later julian crashed the car, totaling it, and stuck raquel with the bill.

julian says he took the car to work one morning and got into a bad accident. he wasn’t covered as a driver on their insurance so that brand new car was a goner. the judge asks julian why he hasn’t paid (julian admits the accident was his own fault) and he replies, “MY UPBRINGING.” lmaooooo you’re goddamn right. don’t raise me to trick off and steal and then get mad when i try to do that shit to you, mom!

the ruling: raquel says she offered to work something out, to put julian on a payment plan, and he kept saying “i got you, i got you” but then never paid. now raquel is being sued by the insurance company, i think? bitch, i’m trying to watch this while also watching this iowa shit and let me tell you i have caught myself typing some version of “klobuchar” three times already and really need to bring this case on home so i can spend the rest of the night googling “what does a delegate do.” what on earth is a “caucus?” does it matter?? does literally any of this matter??? my friend dan writes a daily recap of all the impeachment shit and i read it because he is smart and funny but if you quizzed me on any of it? i’d fail!

veronika is on unpaid medical leave right now and julian (correctly) says “that’s just too much money to be paying.” veronika says that julian just got a stable job and they’re trying to get on their feet and into a position from which they can pay raquel back, and veronika has tried to call raquel to tell her as much but she continues to ignore her calls. greg says raquel probably doesn’t want to talk to veronika because she swore an oath not to let julian drive the car and broke it, thus making her an “accessory before the fact,” and thus reminding me that oh yeah this dude really is a real judge! and since they admitted to owing the money, judgment for the plaintiff.

in the hallway outside the courtroom raquel and julian are loud-talking at each other. the way those of us from black and brown households are often wont to do, and raquel decides to go in for a hug to squash the beef, but the angle she chooses plus the fact that they are shouting causes a producer or security to think she’s about to attack him? so a hand reaches in but doyle waves him off and julian is never, ever gonna pay his mom back but aww my heart is warmed!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “why can’t he drink casually? you’re a dope fiend! oh, i’m sorry, a cokehead!”

ps, MY IMPACT: (eyeball emoji)

*bangs gavel*