plaintiff: theresa from saint paul, minnesota. theresa is wearing a lavender button down and i’m sorry to bore you with this but i am delirious from just having had another dental surgery (i have the mouth of a corpse, childhood poverty is an insurmountable nightmare!) like two hours ago and it took me seven real minutes to come up with the word “lavender” because i’m pretty sure some of my brain leaked out when the dentist was cutting the decayed parts off my holey swiss cheese teeth. one of these days, when it becomes acceptable for me to secede from life outside my house entirely, i will have all of my remaining teeth and the moldy stumps buried beneath my many artificial crowns removed and live the rest of my life free from this relentless suffering. years ago my friend keila made a gofundme because i needed a ton of dental work and i got a message on the tumblr i immediately deleted that was like “so glad the internet could take care of your poor hygiene” as if the problem was my choosing to brush my teeth with hot fudge and not generational dysfunction and abject neglect??? people are so reckless and needlessly cruel. anyway, i’m on my wife’s insurance now, accordion of truth™ etc etc.
defendant: matthew from saint paul, minnesota. listen all you need to know is that this dude has an eye patch. and not the globby, flesh-colored band-aid kind we’ve all had to wear at some point as children to correct our wandering eyes, this is a black one on an elastic strap and it is outstanding. he’s fucking cute, man, with his floppy hair and little goatee! he has, of course, a moderately stuffed accordion of truth™ in his hands, on which he is wearing multiple chunky rings. i’m obsessed.
the complaint: theresa claims her former friend is a drug addict and is suing him for breach of contract and a loan.
what does she want: $5000, from a guy the voiceover artist has already indicated is on meth? MA’AM!!
how it went down: doyle has the hiccups! he tries to tell the crowd “you may now be seated” but can’t get it out and the audience starts laughing at him, and greg says “STOP MAKING FUN OF MY MAN” and bangs his gavel! name a more iconic duo, i’ll wait. theresa begins by saying she has known matt for thirty years and he has been using drugs since he was a teen and i’m sorry but this dude doesn’t look a day over 22 years old?? what drugs is he doing and can i have some??? she says that over the years he’s been through rehab and jail, and the judge asks “what kind of drugs?” and theresa smiles and hesitates before saying “methamphetamines.” matt says “don’t forget about your alcohol” to which theresa replies “stop, we ain’t talking about me,” and i’m sorry bitch but if you’re airing my shit out on syndicated afternoon programming oh we are definitely talking about yours, too.
matt has been in rehab eight times and is currently living in a sober house and doing an outpatient drug program. judge mathis commends matt on his commitment to sobriety, well attempts to sober up, and says that even though theresa is obviously trying to shame him he should be proud of himself. man, i love when the judge is like this. kicking an addiction is hard! anyway, back to the mess: theresa says in 2017 matt “got out of the joint” and contacted her, looking for a car to buy, and she just happened to have one to sell. she says she’s helped him a lot over the years while he’s been in treatment, bringing food and cigarettes and pot to him when he needed them.
i’m sorry, what? is weed a thing you’re allowed to have while in a sober living facility? girl you can’t be all HE LOVES METH WOW WHAT AN ADDICT and also be the bitch bringing him drugs in rehab????? i’m losing my fucking mind over here. i start losing it a little more as the judge explains how to sneak drugs into treatment by emptying some of the tobacco out of cigarettes and replacing it with a little coke or meth. THIS IS OFF THE RAILS. pun intended.
matt says he started smoking meth at the age of fourteen with a parent. jesus god, that’s devastating. not even trying to give their kids a chance? sheesh. he was sober for eight years during which he fathered two children, and apparently he lost custody/visitation of those kids due to an incident with theresa getting drunk at his house. listen, i’m not a fucking actuary so i don’t know the statistics but got damn when someone comes into court talking all that “she’s so bad, he’s such a fuckup” 90% of the time that person turns out to be equally bad if not totally fucking worse!
theresa told matt she had a vehicle sitting in her uncle’s driveway that she would sell him for four grand to get back and forth from work. matt agreed to pay $100 a week for the car. he took the car but started using again, then theresa says he scammed her out of $1500 by telling her the car needed a new transmission. she gave him the money because she thought he wouldn’t pay her for the car if she didn’t. LOLWAT.
the ruling: so matt fixed the transmission but told theresa the transmission he’d put in wasn’t good, then he gave her $500 of the $1500 back but immediately went on the run from parole, then the car “ended up in a lake” because he fell asleep behind the wheel. this kind of chaotic living makes my fucking ass itch. these people have kids! imagine what your life is like if your mom and/or dad is out here like this!!!!!
matt says he bought the car in august and immediately had to replace the brakes on it. it ran fine for the next two months, but then it sat for thirty days because matt was ordered to go to inpatient to avoid prison. a month after he got out of rehab the car stranded him in wisconsin, so he decided to stop paying. matt says he thinks theresa sold him a lemon but the judge says since he drove it for three months the lemon law doesn’t apply, especially since the contract she drew up said he was taking the car as is. ok look, i am out of my mind with these teeth but the fact that these dudes have a contract is ABSOLUTELY SENDING ME. i want to show this to every person who comes to court with an empty accordion, the fact that a woman who is literally sweating alcohol in the courtroom today thought to write a contract to sell her car? incredible.
matt starts making excuses but come on bro you signed that contract! greg asks how much he’s paid for the car and matt says he paid $500, so greg asks what months but matt can only name four months, and please god i can’t take much more of this! greg says he believes matt paid $500 despite being bad at math, and because the agreement on their contract was for $4000 he awards theresa a judgment of $3500. these two are definitely about to go get drunk after this at one of chicago’s many fine drinking establishments, and i am about to go find a rock to smash my head against because i am exhausted by the pain coursing through my jaw bones!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: when theresa tells that story about buying the transmission because she thought matt wouldn’t pay her for the car he already wasn’t giving her any money for greg says, “hold on, what? you were definitely drunk that day!”