who's on judge mathis today? #63

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: velda from las vegas, nevada. well now, velda looks exactly how you think a woman named velda would look: BLACK FACEBOOK AUNTIE REALNESS. velda is wearing a high bun and that same shade of berry lipstick all black women of a certain age (myself included) have rolling around the bottom of our enormous purses, with the kind of wire + wood earrings you find next to the register at your favorite little african shop where you buy incense and oils.

defendant: francine from las vegas, nevada. man i would looooove to hit the casino with these two. you can just tell there would be a lot of cackling as we chainsmoked kools while sipping watered-down chivas before tearing up the buffet at 9pm. francine is wearing a shapeless black tunic with 3/4 sleeves and her hair is dyed maroon, which absolutely makes me miss my mama.

the complaint:

what does she want: $600 for two loans. francine is countersuing her boyfriend’s mother (excuse me?????) for $600 for harassment.

how it went down: greg kicks things off by saying “alright, you’re suing your son’s girlfriend for two loans?” while reading those words off the sheet of paper in front of him and velda says “yes” and he looks up and says what we are all thinking: “that’s...your son’s...girlfriend??” not to be ageist or whatever because you truly cannot tell with black people but these women both appear to be roughly in the 50 to 60-ish range and GO OFF SIS with your young boyfriend or whatever but i’m sorry this shit looks weird! greg is tripping, too. he keeps saying “your son’s girlfriend” in this mystified tone and i concur! “for fourteen years,” francine corrects him with an attitude, waving around her sparkling left ring finger. “and we ain’t boyfriend and girlfriend, he’s my fiancé.” ok now simmer the fuck down, francine. fourteen years and y’all haven’t taken your asses down to city hall to sign the paperwork?? francine says velda is mad because she’s taking care of her son better than velda did, and i’m pretty sure my heart just stopped.

velda met francine through her son, and he met francine in prison. velda is so mad and francine has a lot of miss juicy energy and holy cats i love these women, somebody please give them a fucking show. i would pay to watch them just living their lives every day, buying groceries, going to the car wash, WHATEVER. i’m smitten. gregory also can’t get enough, as he has not stopped laughing the entire time. ok here’s how francine and the unnamed son met, which i was definitely wondering: they started yelling at each other across the yard then they finally met each other by both going to the doctor and passing each other notes. hollywood, please write this movie! i’m fucking c r y i n g this is so great. they’ve been together for many years, as francine said, and velda admits that they became very close and she loves her.

velda says francine is a habitual liar and has been telling people she and her son have been “married for years.” francine interjects to say that it’s not her, it’s the son who’s been doing that! also, i think i forgot to mention that the son is still in prison? feels like information we need to get on the record. francine has also apparently been telling people velda is a “crackhead and a whore,” which she repeatedly posted on, you fucking guessed it, FACEBOOK. see, if i was friends with people like this i wouldn’t have deleted my shit!

it’s francine’s turn, and i’m laughing so hard i can’t even see this raggedy computer. “first of all, she ain’t nothing but a crackhead and a prostitute, and i’ma say that because those words came outta her mouth, your honor! the last time she got busted it was for soliciting.” greg is doing that thing where you make prayer hands and press them against your lips so you look like you are doing SERIOUS CONSIDERATION when what you are actually doing is trying not to fart a laugh out of your mouth, and it’s incredible. he is clearly a master of restraint! listen to me: somebody please come get your auntie and her friend from down at the church out of this courtroom right now before i choke on my tongue!

velda says that god has turned her life around and that shit happened six years ago. she says she was addicted to narcotics in the 70s and 80s and she only told francine about it to inspire her to get her life together. I’M INSPIRED. the audience claps. greg sets his sights on francine and demands she tell him why she was in prison since she’s putting velda’s business all out in the street. she was in prison because her ex stole a lady’s purse and she was afraid of him and she pawned the rings and so she did 18 months. greg is looking at her like she just dropped in from outer space and says “so, you just like crooks, huh?” god, can they be on every day??

the ruling: as we go to commercial the camera is giving us a birds-eye view, revealing that velda is seated on a stool as doyle serves her a cup of water like the queen she is. harry and meghan whom??????? greg asks francine what homeboy has been telling her to keep her holding on for fourteen years while he serves his bid, and she says he has “a loving heart.” aww, that’s nice! greg giddily turns to velda and asks “has she had any men around since he’s been locked up?” and she responds “she’s cheated on him three times!” then greg says “he’s probably watching! prisoners love my show!” and that is fucking bleak but the crowd is going wild and i can’t get enough of this show devolving into pure chaos.

velda says francine told her she and her mother had fallen on hard times and needed three hundred dollars, then she came right back the next week and said she needed three hundred more. apparently francine told velda she’d pay her $200 a month until it was paid back, but it’s been two years (TWO YEARS?) and she hasn’t given her a dime. francine says velda gave her that money because she’s been helping her financially for years, sending her perm and neutralizing shampoo (the white people in the audience were collectively like “HUH?” and i cackled) and cleaning supplies “even though she lives with a man, swear on jehovah!” greg is trying so hard not to laugh while these two get their blood pressure up arguing with each other over jehovah, and i can’t breathe.

next we are treated to a voicemail of francine swearing on jehovah that she paid velda some money and she’s gonna give her the rest of it to get her out of her life. francine says she wants money because velda has threatened to beat her ass, to which she responded “well you know where i live, get off the phone and come over here!” the judge asks her if jehovah told her to say that and she says “YES HE DID.” francine says she’s going to pay velda her money so she can be done with her, then she starts yelling at velda and greg reminds her that she should say all that to him while literally choking on his laughter. i don’t ever want this to end.

judgment for the plaintiff, and francine’s case is dismissed because she wasn’t actually afraid of francine’s “threats.” francine yells, “great!” while waving around what appears to be her car keys?? she’s ready to fucking bounce. in the hallway velda says “justice was served” and francine, whom at this point i would take a bullet for, dramatically rolls her eyes and says “yes it was. good riddance to bad rubbish. can i go now???”

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: to velda, after it’s revealed that she and francine are the same age and francine is affianced to her son, “ STOP HATING. you’re just jealous because you don’t have a younger man!”

*bangs gavel*