hi i missed you i took a week off to turn forty, let’s get into it.
plaintiff: valo from south bend, indiana. valo looks like every boyfriend my oldest sister has ever had: very slim, bald head, aggressively pursed lips, large ears, and decorative fancy glasses. they’re the kind of glasses that are tinted but not quite sunglasses and you can’t tell if they’re for real or for show, you know what i mean? valo is wearing a shiny black satin dress shirt and black pants and omg you know who he kind of looks like??? FREDRO STARR, the “hardcore rapper” from onyx who i mostly remember from being on moesha. valo is carrying an accordion of truth™ roughly the size of his torso.
defendant: angela from south bend, indiana. angela is wearing a lightweight neon coral blazer over a black top and her shiny blunt cut bob is sparkling under the harsh courtroom lights. angela looks fucking pissed like “how dare this dude bring me on here?” and you know what, i agree!
the complaint: valo went to prison while dating the defendant and they married after he was released, then he claims his ex-wife cheated on him with his cousin (SPICY) and he’s suing her for damaged property.
what does he want: $2820 for some scratches on his car. angela would like to countersue for $2500, for emotional distress, and i am taking a preemptive xanax.
how it went down: first of all, i was just in detroit for my birthday and had dinner with my sister-in-law, who works for the law school from which gregory ellis mathis graduated once upon a time, and she showed me a picture of him in the yearbook and i almost cried. he looked like a little baby! i need you to know that i walked around the d shouting “i went from jail to judge in fifteen years!” in front of various important-looking landmarks. how was i not apprehended? anyway, he’s looking good today.
valo says he met angela in 2010 when she was a customer of his. i groan, because i am judging a book by its cover. “what type of establishment do you operate?” asks greg, in that fake innocent way he has perfected that essentially means GOTCHA BITCH. valo, in the most serious way imaginable, as if he is about to walk us through a very complicated stock portfolio or some shit, says “i was selling marijuana.” greg, deciding to play along, asks “do you have a license?” plot twist: HE DOES. undeterred, the judge turns to angela and says, “well did you have a license to smoke it?” and she says “i didn’t” and thank the lord, greg’s blooodlust is finally satisfied. “how much weed did she buy a week? that’s how you can tell whether they’re a weedhead or not!” he crows. valo says angela was smoking “tre-five a day, that’s heavy blow” and here’s where i gotta out myself as a deeply uncool suburban dweeb because wow i do not know what those words mean! greg clarifies for me that that’s “seven joints a day,” which does seem like a lot? but honestly who cares, especially when you’re married to the weed man! sounds like good advertising for the product, if you ask me.
valo says he and angela dated for a few years and then asked her to move in with him, after which he was sent to prison for illegally transporting weed across state lines. god, i love romance. during the two years he was incarcerated angela lived in his house, where she allegedly carried on a love affair with valo’s cousin. y i k e s. valo got out of prison, married angela, then one day ran into a buddy of his on the street who gave him the lowdown on angela’s betrayal while he had been locked up. valo confronted both angela and the cousin and they confirmed it, and valo and angela were divorced six months later. ouch.
according to angela she primarily had an emotional affair with a man valo “brought to her house,” which, i gotta say, is some grade-A victim-blaming if i’ve ever heard it. i am actually taken aback! valo kept hanging out with his cousin/friend in front of her, so of course angela developed a passionate emotional attachment to that person! she says it so casually, too, like, “you had this hot and delicious pizza delivered to me, how could you expect me not to take a bite?” lmao they did bang one time, though. greg asks if the sex only happened once because “he was no good,” and now my corpse is writing this. also, what even is “good sex?” also also, have you ever had sex with somebody who was too good at it and the minute you finished it was like, “no thanks, you are too fucking skilled at this and i am not up to the challenge.” am i the only person out here sending “i’m so sorry but i do not like to be jostled that thoroughly, you are very nice but please don’t ever call me again” texts??
angela says that after they got a divorce she and valo continued to date, and yeah i guess i understand that in theory but in practice?? WHY. what’s the point of going through a costly divorce just to get back with the same person who put you through enough dumb shit that you had to divorce them in the first place? what are the chances that there is new fun and/or magic to be had?? anyway angela says that for all intents and purposes she and valo were together, despite their divorce, which was why it came as a surprise to her when he got another woman pregnant. jesus god, i am so tired.
valo begged [his ex-wife] not to leave, but she wasn’t having it and fled to colorado. he convinced [his ex-wife] both to move back and to rekindle their relationship (no dick is this good, i promise you!), and a year after [his ex-wife] moved back valo got the same woman pregnant a second fucking time. excuse me? uhh, is this the only motherfucking dude in south bend, indiana? greg asks if this is true and valo admits that yes, it is, and greg declares that sure angela dating the cousin was bad but this is DEFINITELY WORSE. case fucking closed, according to me.
the ruling: greg wants to know what valo is suing angela for and immediately cuts him off, saying, “you ain’t even gotta tell me. she busted all your windows out, didn’t she?” greg surveys the photos of the damage angela indeed inflicted on valo’s car and says “you had every right to damage his property, not a legal one, but definitely a moral one.” it’s not like the FBI is watching this fucking shit, can’t he just free her and send her on her way? isn’t this the exact right time for moral victories??
valo says he was at home and angela showed up “extra bubbly” trying to fight the woman who’d borne valo’s children. he wouldn’t allow that to happen, so angela started kicking in doors and then keyed his car. i am on a bunch of cold medicine and extremely delirious, so i can’t actually tell from these blurry photographs if she’s done a thousand dollars’ worth of damage but i do know car paint and body work is astronomically expensive no matter how messed up your car is. angela can’t get her judgment because the spicy text messages valo sent her from the other room (they never actually broke up! why in the world is any of this even happening?) were apparently mean but not criminally harassing. but the scratches and shit are clear (enough, to the judge) and he grants valo’s claim, which will amount to barely even one weeks’ worth of pedialyte and baby formula for any of his multiple children. judgment for the plaintiff.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you selling that rag weed or selling that indica?” excuse me?????????