who's on judge mathis today? #65

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: roemello from rockford, illinois. roemello is wearing a shiny black prom vest over a navy dress shirt and blue striped tie. his hair is intricately braided and neatly pulled back and i bet he sleeps in a satin bonnet every night because seriously how the fuck does his hair look so good? his accordion of truth™ is at the ready.

defendant: cristal from roscoe, illinois. first of all, where the fuck is that? i don’t know shit about geography (or anything, for that matter) but i am an expert on the northeast region of the state of illinois (don’t quiz me!) and i know this place ain’t in it. okay, i have pulled out my phone and looked it up on the gps and holy shit it would take 2 hours and 22 minutes to get there from chicago but is somehow still in illinois? wait, hold up, i had “avoid highways” ticked and it apparently would only take 1 hour and 41 minutes if i left right now and took 90 going west. let me tell you something, anyplace more than an hour west of chicago is essentially iowa, and cristal looks like iowa personified: long, shiny brown barrel curls, french tip manicure, a leopard print tunic, and obvious bronzer.

the complaint: roemello claims cristal falsely accused him of stealing her debit card information, which got him fired, and he’s suing her for defamation of character.

what does he want: $5000, the maximum allowed!!!!, for the defamation. cristal has decided to countersue in retaliation for $5000, and if i watch this whole thing just to see both of these cases thrown out i will deal with it but also i will be mad!

how it went down: on june 8, not even an hour after he’d gotten off from work, roemello says cristal came into his job accusing him and a couple of his coworkers of stealing her debit card information while recording them on her phone. roemello was in back cleaning up and his manager came back to tell him that cristal had described him to a T, because he’s the only person in the restaurant with dreads. roemello says cristal already knew who’d stolen her card information, and that person wasn’t him, it was a female coworker. he thinks cristal just came in to start some shit and embarrass people, and i could use a little more of a narrative arc because i’m sorry where does he even work?? roemello thinks he may have seen cristal at the drive thru or something, but he doesn’t know her personally, and says that he was fired immediately based on her accusation. is that allowed? someone who works at the eeoc has to be reading this silly shit, right? hit me up and let me know.

cristal, so it appears now that the camera is at a different angle, is pregnant! idk but i couldn’t tell before and that leopard print shirt is like an optical illusion! this is very exciting, i love to be deceived! cristal says she and her husband went through the drive-thru at 3am one morning and the plaintiff and two other coworkers were there. at first they had attitudes and told her they weren’t serving food, then the workers waved cristal and her husband back and said they could make them something. they waited for 20+ minutes for their order, which was incorrect because of course, then they had to ask for the card they assumed someone was taking a picture of when it wasn’t immediately returned to them. listen i understand that cristal and her man were hungry at three in the morning, i too have been high and in a car and compelled by the buzzing neon sign outside of a hot greasy chain restaurant, but was it worth all this hassle??? DEFINITELY NOT. also no one will say what the fuck this establishment is and i feel like that is essential to the story?? because what if they did this for, like, burger king. if so, they deserve their fate!

cristal was suspicious so she started watching her statements, and a month later BOOM, a paypal charge she didn’t recognize for lacefront brazilian wigs. why, if she truly suspected someone had stolen her card information, she waited an entire month rather than just beating them to the punch and calling the fucking bank remains to be seen. paypal told cristal the address the shipment was going to and she decided to take her ass over there and investigate. MA’AM. it wasn’t roemello’s address, it was the house belonging to the mother of the girl who signed for the package. cristal called the restaurant and i’m suddenly lost here, i thought the wigs were delivered to some girl’s mama? ok i’m gonna type this out but please know i don’t actually get what happened next: the girl at the restaurant sounded startled, told cristal to hold while she called her mother, told her mother to give cristal the package, then cristal took the package to the restaurant to confront the thief. LOLWAT.

so cristal rolls up to the restaurant carrying a bag of hair to confront this woman, a manager whose name she got from the package and whom she’d looked up on facebook to confirm her identity before storming the (white) castle. this is the stupidest shit i have ever heard. BITCH DISPUTE THE CHARGES WITH YOUR FINANCIAL INSTITUTION AND MOVE THE FUCK ON. a pregnant lady from cornstalk, illinois has the time and energy to be driving her ass all over town to fight a woman who bought a weave with her bank of america card???? why! go take your ass to a lamaze class or something! the woman denies stealing cristal’s card number, and during the confrontation roemello was apparently standing in the kitchen flipping cristal off while she hollered at everyone else in the restaurant.

judge mathis is exasperated and frankly i am, too. why are these people here? cristal plays a video of the confrontation, which is extremely embarrassing. listening to people berate minimum wage workers is upsetting. cristal is yelling at this woman, calling her a liar and a thief and screaming that she is going to tell the three mutual friends they have on facebook that she is a bad person. to her credit the woman is calmly responding “that wasn’t me” and i would transcribe this entire video for you but i’m too busy trying to figure out where the fuck they are at. i’m 98% sure this is a popeye’s??? that spicy chicken sandwich is truly driving motherfuckers crazy!

the ruling: roemello has brought cristal to court today (jesus christ, she talked so much i forgot it was his case) because she defamed him on, you guessed it, facebook! he hands the judge a bunch of printed sheets of her facebook, where cristal has posted his picture and an assertion that he was involved in the crime of purchasing three internet wigs with a stolen card. one of those things is not actually a crime, proving once again that social media is a scourge. roemello hands the judge a statement from his employer that he was fired due to “misconduct,” and because that is different from “stealing her card number” greg refuses to place the blame on cristal for his dismissal. ~misconduct~ sounds like the box an employer who doesn’t want to pay your unemployment ticks so you can’t fight them, especially since it’s clear that all he did was flip the bird at a woman screaming at the register about a bag of fake hair.

it feels like gregory is being a little bit willfully obtuse here because he’s tired of this dumb and boring case, and i cannot say i disagree. both claims are dismissed, get the fuck out and go raise your baby, next time you’re hungry in the middle of the night make some toast in your own fucking kitchen.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: not today unfortunately, but i did happen on this absolutely incredible comment on youtube: “Lmao Stole this girls information for some HAIR 😂😂 grow some baldy!”

*bangs gavel*