plaintiff: kathesha from anchorage, alaska. ALASKA HAS BLACK PEOPLE?? okay, now! god, imagine how long this flight was to come argue with some idiot in small claims court. kathesha looks sharp and put together in a tight black bodysuit (maybe?) and slicked-back ponytail. she is scowling so hard it looks like it is causing her physical pain, and i love it.
defendant: greg from anchorage, alaska. TWO WHOLE BLACKS!! greg looks deceptively young in his bright fuchsia dress shirt from structure and his grey and pink striped tie. at first he looks like he’s in his late 20s maybe, striding confidently into the courtroom with his fresh fade and sculpted beard, but when he gets to the lectern and looks at the camera it’s like “oh no, lmao this dude is fifty.” he’s definitely the old man at the club you accidentally give your number to because in the dark he looks like a man whose prostate hasn’t failed him yet, but the day he shows up at your house in his 1989 buick regal for your first date you realize you’ve made a grave mistake! you are about to have a romantic dinner with your own dad!!
the complaint: kathesha claims her ex-husband made multiple sex tapes of himself with other women in their bed, and she filed a restraining order against him after she says he assaulted her. greg claims his ex-wife is an alcoholic and went to jail for violating a restraining order he filed against her. i’m already exhausted, clicking on this was obviously a mistake!
what does she want: $2000 for breach of contract. greg is countersuing for $1237 for a security deposit.
how it went down: kathesha says she’s known greg for twenty years but they’ve only been intimate for the last few. do you think all the black people in anchorage know each other? she says the first day they started dating greg made a key to his apartment for her, and by the third he had given her “a used wedding ring.” if the words after this aren’t “and then i never spoke to him again” YOU LOSE, because those are screaming red flags if i’ve ever seen one. listen man, i have been smitten with someone within a literal few minutes but that’s the kind of thing you tell the group chat, not the person you’re freshly obsessed with?? a key to your crib on the first day? absolutely the fuck not!
“it sounds weird, but i went with it,” continues kathesha, and brb i gotta go look up the definition of “weird.” she says that for two months he was great but by the third month greg’s true (horrible) self emerged. greg is a “liar” and a “cheater,” which kathesha discovered when she looked at his phone. amazing! if you looked at my phone, you would discover that i am a “spendthrift” and a “moron” who watches many youtube videos intended for children. what kathesha found on greg’s phone were dirty videos he’d made of himself fucking other women in her bed. goddamn, i hate everything. listen, do what you gotta do i guess, but are you so vain that you need to have video evidence of it that you are actually going to watch back? i can’t stand to look at a selfie of my face taken from a slightly unflattering angle, if i were forced to WATCH MYSELF HAVE SEX i would perish before i even pressed play. this dude is a monster.
the judge is grossed the fuck out, too. “how old are you??” he asks in disbelief, and seriously, sir you are 127 years of age, do you really need to masturbate to a blurry video of yourself trying to mash your withered penis repeatedly into another person? greg says that marrying kathesha was the worst thing he’s ever done in his life. worse than the voluntary sex videos, homie?? greg says he works across the street from their house and every night when he leaves for work at 8 he can see the men lining up outside his front door by 8:10. excuse me but what the fuck is going on in alaska? is this what twenty hours of darkness every day turns people into? greg says he even came home one night to discover a strange man working out on his weight bench, and kathesha immediately chimes in that the story is untrue and also that greg filmed a sex tape on that very same bench. why is this happening to me??
kathesha says that despite getting divorced she and greg remained together, and this is the second time this week that i am wondering if there’s a judge out there just giving divorces away? why go through any of this trouble, either getting married or getting divorced, just to continue this toxicity??? she continues, telling the judge that greg is a boxer who used to beat her, and one time put a 5 lb weight in a boxing glove and hit her multiple times in the face with it, knocking out her front teeth, for which she has a dental bill. RECORD FUCKING SCRATCH. oh okay, clearly it’s time for another episode of “murder court,” and i can’t wait to see whether the judge decides on obliteration by firing squad or if he orders a bunch of bees to sting this piece of shit to death.
doyle hands the judge her evidence and his whole demeanor has changed, he’s ready to dead this asshole himself. kathesha says that once greg even duct taped her to a chair and instructed his son to periodically give her water and yo man, should this even be on tv? is there a police officer nearby?? greg says that that story is fabricated, but then the judge asks him if he was charged (he was) and what the result was (he pleaded no contest) and let’s just flush him down the toilet already.
the ruling: kathesha says when they split up it was rocky but after a while if she ran into greg on the street they could be cordial to each other, and that is a testament to her strength and the power of forgiveness because if you tie me to a fucking chair? my man, we gonna have words every single time i even catch a glimpse of your wretched face. kathesha’s new man is currently serving a 35 year sentence for drug trafficking and needed a lawyer, and greg told her to retain his friend because the lawyer owed him money. what?! kathesha gave greg $2000 for the lawyer’s services (i am about to have a stroke, so help me god) and the lawyer didn’t show up to a single one of her boyfriend’s court dates (jesus, please) so she told greg to give her her money back and he refused, saying that he deserved to keep it for all the hell she put him through.
i am going to pass away. what the fuck is happening here? can someone in the audience jump up and slash this guy’s throat already?? kathesha doesn’t have any evidence of having given greg this money because, of course, she gave him cash in his living room rather than a check at an impartial lawyer’s office. anchorage, wyd. greg starts to lay out his case and honestly? fuck him, i’m not listening. the short version is that kathesha moved “a family of heroin addicts” into his house while he was in jail and they destroyed the house so he wants the security deposit back. neither one of them seems to have adequate evidence to support their case and the judge accuses them of just wanting to see each other so they can get back together “and make another movie.” maybe he’s right, this situation is toxic as fuck. verdict, shockingly, for the defendant, whose many wrinkled and crumbling pieces of paper somehow all come together to prove his case. i am gonna go lie down!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “54?? you’re making nekkid videos of yourself having sex at 54? don’t you understand your children and grandchildren might have access to this, that they can see daddy freakin’ off on video??? DO YOU WORK?????”