who's on judge mathis today? #67

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: elve from warren, michigan. my man is wearing an oversized (unintentionally?) tan sport coat with fake pocket flaps over a black dress shirt and shiny white satin tie, and if i could just be in the room one time while one of these litigants is picking out their court outfit i could die happy. elve has a large, smooth head and a very skinny goatee, and his accordion of truth™ is slender as well.

defendant: tinisha from southfield, michigan. A VISION. tinisha is tall and glamorous, wearing a fitted navy dress with fluted sleeves (maybe? idk how to talk about fashion!) and large statement earrings, her long locs are floating on the waves of an invisible breeze, her makeup is dewy and luminous, and her accordion of truth™ exudes an aura of health and vitality. she’s absolutely gorgeous, wow!

the complaint: elve says he met the defendant online in a facebook travel group (ding ding ding!) and they went on a few dates, now he’s suing his “former friend” for a loan and court costs.

what does he want: $550, which is almost not enough to drag your ass all the way to court for??? it’s always hilarious when someone sues a person for less money than the gas it costs to drive to chicago from wherever they happen to live, because you know right out the gate that this motherfucker is salty. i can’t wait!

how it went down: elve says he has known tinisha for a little over a year and that they met in a travel group on facebook, and she immediately interjects “THAT’S NOT TRUE.” doesn’t seem like the spiciest or most suspicious way he could have suggested they met but ok! refute him! tinisha says they met two years ago while tailgating at a detroit lions game. i wasn’t expecting this turn of events, but greg starts pontificating on how the lions refused to invest any money into giving barry sanders some help and lmao did i accidentally flip to around the horn?? get outta my dreams and into my end zone, gregory!

elve says that recently he and tinisha went to the cincinatti music fest as part of their travel group. they got reacquainted on the bus ride home and exchanged numbers so that they might “potentially date.” ughhh, i don’t know, something about the phrase “potentially date” makes me want to hurl myself out the nearest window. could you imagine saying that to someone, “hey sweety, here is my number so we might potentially date.” conversely, if someone said that to me, i would swallow my phone before begging someone to please bury me alive.

they went on a date the following tuesday to a nightclub for karaoke night and elve says they had a wonderful time. “karaoke night? is that why we’re here, because you can’t sing?” greg asks. i wish he would ask them what their top song choices are because that can tell you a lot about a person, but alas we ain’t got that kind of time. tinisha is looking, umm, skeptical? that’s the nicest way to describe this ass face she is making. it’s so funny. okay so she looks mad but dude is like “we had such a nice time we went to another club two nights later” and COME ON, GIRL. hard to clown him when y’all went out on two weeknights in the same week?? i wouldn’t see my fucking mama at 9pm on a wednesday, let alone some dude i met trolling messenger or whatever! they left that club to go to a friend’s birthday party at a different club, and elve says tinisha ignored him the entire time once they’d arrived. tinisha snipes “tell him why i ignored you” and yes, elve, please tell us all! elve says he has no idea and tinisha tells judge mathis “he was extremely drunk.”

tinisha says that elve presented himself as “tall, easy on the eyes, god-fearing, fun, 700+ credit score, no underaged kids, lives alone” and is this what it takes to get a bitch to sing karaoke with you these days??? because if so i guess i gotta go high five my wife, this is a fucking lot! elve even went so far as to send tinisha proof of both his credit score and his salary, and on the one hand that’s cute but on the other what the fuck are you trying to prove? what is the point of telegraphing wealth unless you also demonstrate generosity, which you could just do instead of xeroxing your pay stubs and shit. is everyone stupid? my man is at least 40 but probably 50 years old, does he not know how to select an upscale eatery and then pick up the check after the meal? why the hell would tinisha care that he has money if he’s not going to give her any? and, a follow up: man if you’re balling so goddamn hard why the FUCK did you drag this lady to court for five hundred bucks????????????

tinisha hands doyle a couple sheets of printed out texts™ to show that elve sent her his credit score to prove he was worthy of dating her and listen, let me tell you something: BEING BEAUTIFUL SHOULD BE A CRIME. i’m so sorry but attractive people are against the law! is this what pretty girls get to get away with??? imagine if i, A SLOVENLY HORSE-FACED LESBIAN, attempted this! this dude would murder me in cold blood and the newscaster reporting the shit would be like “this is a tragedy, but...did you hear this ugly bitch demanded a photocopy of his credit report?!”

elve, who honestly should have packed up his accordion of truth™ and bounced the fuck outta here six minutes ago, hands the judge a printed out facebook post of tinisha looking extremely sexy with a man she refers to as “the love of her life” in the caption to show greg he’s not the only man she was seeing. the gentleman’s face is blurred out to protect his identity, but i assume he’s handsome. does elve seriously have no shame? are there honestly people who don’t feel embarrassed every time they take a breath? i keep pausing this shit because it is actually causing me physical pain. seriously i want to die.

greg asks tinisha how she could turn down this pathetic man who was so desperate to date her he is standing idly by while a grown man playing dress up reads his take-home pay on daytime television (they bleeped it out which, thank god, i almost threw my laptop across the room in agony), and she’s like *shrug* and wow what i wouldn’t do to have even a sliver of that kind of confidence! elve says he makes “six figures, with bonuses” and greg asks the crowd if anyone would be interested in dating elve and you know what? I WOULD.

prior to their initial date tinisha told elve that her car was in the shop. tinisha says that elve asked her if she “needed anything” and hands the judge another sheet of printed out texts™ to prove it. elve says that tinisha said she didn’t have the money to pay for her car and she was worried she’d have to put it on her credit card, which is exactly what a credit card is for but what the fuck do i know! he says that he offered her the money and told her she could pay it back, interest free, because he assumed they were going to be in a relationship. hoo, boy. elve has printed out text™ proof that tinisha indeed had agreed to pay him back, but seriously who the fuck cares he already lost.

the ruling: greg asks elve if at any point he told tinisha she didn’t have to pay him and he emphatically says no but apparently tinisha has some paperwork to the contrary. she says that they were on the phone and she told him about her car and without even asking he sent her money on the cash app (is that how you phrase that? i’m a million) while they were still talking. she assumed the money was a gift, but decided she should probably pay it back when it was clear that elve was romantically interested in her, because she didn’t want to lead him on and she felt sorry for him.

the judge reads from her printed out texts and it’s clear that elve is pushing the money on her because he thinks that’s going to secure their romantic relationship, even typing “let’s go get a ring” after he sent tinisha the money, which launched me into outer fucking space. sex appeal should be punishable by stoning but, like, this is worse! the judge decides that tinisha does not have to pay elve back because he essentially forced it into her bank account, and while i can’t say whether or not that verdict is correct, at least she has a working car to hit him with if he shows up unexpectedly at her house. judgment for the defendant!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “see, that’s the problem, all i hear from you is ‘club club club!’ why didn’t y’all meet at church church church!?”

*bangs gavel*