plaintiff: kiandra from louisville, kentucky. for those of you who might be reading this in or near kentucky, i am coming to see you on tour in april, although i’m not sure of the exact date because i do not open or read 98% of my emails. anyway, see you soon i hope. kiandra is wearing a black bodysuit beneath a black satin blazer and black-and-white striped pants. her hair is long and maintaining a bouncy curl, and her accordion of truth™ appears to be deceptively full?
defendant: trevon from louisville, kentucky. trevon’s knives are fully out as he saunters into the courtroom in a cozy navy shawl-collared sweater over a green shirt and khaki pants. his accordion of truth™ is dusty though, but at least he brought one!
the complaint: kiandra is suing trevon, her ex-boyfriend and the father of her child, for stolen and damaged property.
what does she want: $2250 for clothes of hers that trevon bleached. you know, on the one hand i’m like [i love mess dot gif] but on the other OH BROTHER THIS IS CLEARLY GONNA STRESS ME OUT. how about this for a premature heart attack: trevon is countersuing for $3300 for stolen property. i obviously should go get a drink of water before fully diving into whatever is going to happen next.
how it went down: kiandra says she met trevon in 2014 when they worked together. they had a child together in 2016, and i just burst out laughing imagining the nightmare it must be to have a baby with someone at your job! you try to make your voice sound rough and gravelly to call in sick one morning and they’re glaring at you from the next room like, “yeah right, bitch!” NO, THANK YOU. they both were in other committed relationships at the time, and kiandra says the pregnancy was “drama free” until eight months in when trevon “decided he wanted to be a family man.” greg asks kiandra to clarify what that means, and she says that he didn’t want his daughter to wake up with another man in her life. do whatever you want, who the fuck cares, but man this sounds exhausting and she hasn’t even had the kid yet! imagine trying to delicately massage two wounded male egos while also dragging around your waterlogged ankles and gestational diabetes! this is a nightmare!!!
kiandra says this caused a problem with her boyfriend, and everybody in the courtroom shouts “GIRL, DUH” in unison. okay, they didn’t really, but you can tell they totally want to. kiandra broke up with her then-boyfriend and trevon’s relationship ended and yeah you read that right, this asshole told kiandra she couldn’t have a man around his unborn daughter while dating another woman at the same time??? more nerve than a toothache, i swear to god. they got together and their daughter was born, and the problems in their new coparenting relationship began immediately afterward because they didn’t actually know each other, they basically only hung out after work to have sex. kiandra says that there was a lot of fighting and verbal abuse, and they split up but agreed to keep it cordial, for their daughter.
trevon begins by saying that kiandra slept with him the second time they hung out and told him she was pregnant shortly thereafter, and you know he’s saying it like we’re supposed to be scandalized or judgmental but excuse me, sir: women are allowed to want sex! he says that he doubted the paternity of the baby since kiandra said she had a boyfriend, but then she told him her man was incarcerated so the baby was indeed his and oh lord i wish they would’ve cut this part? what if later in life that adult baby decides she wants to revisit her television debut and she watches this and is like “my dad said what about me?” ugh i’m perplexed!
before their daughter was born trevon spent a lot of money (according to him) on clothes and stuff to prepare for her arrival. i’m not gonna lose my fucking mind about this, but: SO WHAT. no one threw me a parade for braving target on a saturday to get swiffer wipes to keep my fucking floors clean, why on earth is it remarkable that you bought your soon-to-be daughter a couple of shirts? anyway i’ll shut the fuck up. okay so he’s a good dad because he got a couple onesies at walmart, got it. after the baby was born trevon posted a picture of her on instagram, and several “females” (shudder) commented positively on his post. kiandra didn’t like that women were commenting on the picture, so one day while he was asleep she hit him in the head with a cell phone because of it, and 1 violence is very bad plus 2 this is why you maybe should split a couple chili’s appetizers with somebody before deciding to create an entirely new person with them, thus forcing you to be tethered to a possible psychopath for a minimum of 18 years!!!
kiandra says that didn’t happen, not a single part of it. man that seems like an extremely elaborate lie but okay! full disclosure, the phone just rang and i accidentally answered it and i missed part of this story kiandra is telling but i am too exhausted to go back and also i need to write an essay to read at the paper machete tomorrow plus she has been talking for three real minutes so here is what may or may not have happened: kiandra and trevon had a dispute over a car and/or who was gonna hang out with their daughter one night and to retaliate trevon took a bunch of kiandra’s clothes and jewelry and makeup and destroyed them with bleach. A HATE CRIME.
the ruling: the police were called, and it turns out trevon had previously filed an order of protection against kiandra because of the phone thing so they told her she had to leave his home. the epo (look at me! i sound just like a detective on law and order!) also said that kiandra couldn’t be near her daughter, which the judge freaks out about because he says the prosecutor wouldn’t order a person to stay away from their own child unless they were very concerned about the parent’s violence. it’s wild to me that kiandra said this was the lie? because, i mean, she had an order of protection granted against her because of it so i guess maybe some part of it has to be true???
kiandra tries to explain to greg why he is wrong about the protection order and that goes over just about as well as you’d expect, and he trots out his most condescending tone while telling her “not to teach [him] the law.” he was a sitting judge for five years, kiandra, have you never paid attention to the opening credits of this show?! judge mathis starts to tell her that the court must have a preponderance of evidence to issue a ppo and when kiandra interjects that that isn’t true, at least in louisville, he cuts her off to dismiss her claim. damn dude, i would’ve liked to hear what she was going to say next, but once greg makes up his mind (especially when he’s cut off by a regular plebe without a law degree) we all know it’s a fucking wrap. he gets so mad that he’s damn near out the courtroom before he remembers that he never addressed trevon’s claim and awards him his judgment out of spite, citing kiandra’s “contempt of court.” did she? was i asleep during that part?? anyway, trevon got his money for something i can’t even remember at this point, despite proving nothing. i will leave you with my favorite of the many youtube comments that i hope one day will end up on a t-shirt: “pouring bleach on clothes is a female vibe.” lmaoo
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “the fighting is because you never really dated, isn’t it? y’all only really got along during those *wink wink* two minutes.”
*bangs gavel*