who's on judge mathis today? #69

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: wendy from cicero, indiana. wendy is a little short and stout teapot with a brisk and confident walk, dressed handle to spout in black kohl’s casualwear. she has frosted tips and little glasses and her accordion of truth™ has her drivers license attached to it??? love this show still keeping things spicy for me after all these years.

defendant: brian from kokomo, indiana. listen, i don’t know how to talk about clothing, men’s suiting in particular, but my man’s jacket is so big it looks like it still has a giant hanger in the back of it. the shoulders are hovering several inches above his body, and it’s so hilarious and distracting that i’m not honestly sure i can watch this? i dated this dude for a long time that had a 22" neck, and once i went to the big and tall store with him and he had to get custom shirts and suits made and they were just massive, i mean impressively large in the shoulders and across the back. anyway, maybe zac gave his old suits to goodwill and they somehow ended up in indiana and onto brian’s torso. he’s not a bad looking guy (a bald, bearded teddy bear if you’re into that) but that sport coat and excessively large tie knot (a balthus knot? a double windsor??) are all i can see when i look at him.

the complaint: wendy met her ex-fiancé when he was a bouncer at a bar and she claims he’s a narcissist and is suing him for breach of contract.

what does she want: $4159, a very specific amount for a loan!

how it went down: wendy says she met brian at a club where he was the bouncer, and please remind me next time you see me to tell you the long and incredibly boring story of how i used to go to five star on chicago avenue literally twice a week to stare at this bouncer i had a crush on. i almost went bankrupt trying to catch the eye of a person who got paid to stare at beautiful women in their finest black pants every day. you can’t get with a bouncer down at the club! their job is literally to usher in throngs of attractive people who probably want to have sex with them, every single night. there’s no way they will ever stay in love with you!

anyway wendy says that brian is a narcissist and greg asks her to explain what she means by that then is unsatisfied by her answer and offers a lecture on what “narcissism” is (it’s extreme self love, in case you’re wondering and don’t have time to go to psychiatry school) and is every person he calls a crackhead on here actually addicted to crack? what is this? since when is he so literal about everything??

brian begins his testimony like this: “your honor, since wendy don’t wanna tell you the truth about where we met, we met at a swingers club.” ALRIGHT NOW FINALLY SOME JUICY MESS. greg plays dumb (my favorite thing) and asks, “oh? you were on swings?” while making a swinging motion with his hands and please god please don’t ever let this show get cancelled because if it does i will be beside myself. brian says the night he met wendy he was employed at the club as a security guard slash chauffeur (WHAT) and he first encountered her down in the basement where she was engaged in sex with several men. the crowd collectively gasps in horror but i am impressed. this is not the lady i would guess is fucking a throbbing harras of sweaty studs at the same time in the basement of the fuck club, i’ll tell you what. she looks like she eats dinner every night at five o’clock and works at the dmv, not like she gets pounded down on the regular by other people’s husbands??? I LOVE HER.

greg proceeds to tell a long and boring story about a friend of his who called him a “prune” (bless his heart) so i’m gonna take this time to tell you about the one time i went to a swingers club with my boy torean, and i had no idea what i was in for (i expected poodle skirts? and saddle shoes???) so i just hovered awkwardly near the food while everyone steered clear of me and i made myself feel better by saying things like “you know, that’s okay because i prefer talking and romance” to the bartender who probably wished i would die.

okay the judge has wrapped up his detour and it’s time for the breach. wendy and brian moved in together in july of 2018 and signed a two-year lease on a house. wendy found out that brian was moving out when their current landlord called to tell her that his future landlord had called for a reference check. everyone is so fucking dumb and i love it. dude thought he was just going to up and move out into his new crib and she’d have no idea where he went! imagine thinking that you are this slick in the year of our lord 2020!! somebody in a control tower knows where i am and what i am consuming every minute of every hour of every day, truly incredible to think that you could just get a whole new apartment and life then the thing that takes you down is a simple phone call. HILARIOUS.

okay so there’s the money left over from the utilities and lease, but also they borrowed $5000 from a family friend for brian to get teeth implants which he did not do. they took that money and spent it between themselves on silly shit which, honestly? i get that. wendy says that $1500 of the loan has been paid back so far, so she is asking for $1750 from brian so she can pay back their friend and the rest is for all the bills from their shared residence. brian says he never got any of the teeth money, and wendy says she has a contract that they both signed. brian insists that he never got any of the money because it was deposited into her account, and wendy says they had to do that because brian couldn’t have an account. are these people my parents? anyway, the judge asks if brian benefited from the money and wendy says yes, because they both went on a cruise. “a swingers cruise,” she clarifies. “they can’t get enough!” doyle says to greg, and yes we are all laughing but also geez i am so old and so tired and i cannot imagine having this much sex? also it’s not even, like, easy, familiar sex, it’s “ok i gotta teach you all about me and learn what you like and stumble awkwardly around the bedroom trying not to look like a moron” NIGHTMARE SEX. literally no thank you. and paying money to be on a diarrhea boat to have that sex? murder me!!!!

the ruling: brian says that wendy ruined that cruise with her jealousy, and also she’s an alcoholic with STDs who is addicted to cocaine. lmao ol’ big suit thinks he’s gonna shame somebody up in greg’s courtroom?? I DON’T THINK SO, HONEY. greg says he doesn’t believe him and tells wendy she doesn’t have to defend herself against those charges. this is why i like this fucking dude, because even when he’s being reckless as hell he’s never gonna let you just trash a lady for fun. wendy hands greg the contracts for both the loan and the lease, and greg asks brian if his only dispute is that he didn’t get to spend any of the loan money to which brian says yes.

greg then asks why he didn’t pay the rest of the lease and brian says because wendy asked him to leave, but wendy says that she has printed out text proof™ that she actually asked him to stay and “be an adult about the situation.” greg does a dramatic reading of their text exchange and it turns out that wendy did indeed tell brian he could stay at their home for as long as he needed to. brian tries a last-ditch attempt to garner sympathy by saying that wendy beat him up, and domestic violence isn’t funny but it also isn’t relevant to whether or not he signed the promissory note for this loan so greg doth not give a single fuck. judgment for the plaintiff, who is definitely about to leave court and get railed by a bunch of sex gods in a nearby underground lair!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “DO YOU WANT TO CLARIFY YOUR FREAKERY????” goodbye, forever! it’s been fun! [dies]

*bangs gavel*