who's on judge mathis today? #7

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: lafaye from prichard, alabama. i’m not gonna lie, lafaye looks mean as hell. i would not mess with lafaye.

defendant: kizzy from theodore, alabama. cute hair? check! cute shirt? ch-ch-check! red accordion folder with the wraparound tightening string?? *stone cold steve austin voice* OH HELL YEAHHH

the complaint: lafaye hired kizzy to make a prom dress for her daughter and kizzy ruined it. this is probably as good a time as any to remind you that i was too poor to go to prom and instead stayed home and watched tv, which probably contributed to the yawning pit of self-loathing that force me to tap dance for your love every day!

what does she want: $1200 for destroying a dress she asked kizzy to make. wait a second, what’s that now? it’s our very first countersuit!! kizzy contests that lafaye’s daughter loved the dress, which is why she paid her for it! she countersuing for $2500 for defamation* and emotional distress** because of course she is.
*bringing her on tv for this bullshit
**getting on her nerves over a fucking DRESS

how it went down: on the recommendation of a woman who lafaye had seen “wearing a cute top,” she reached out to kizzy, the woman who’d made said top, and asked her if she thought she could make a prom dress. kizzy said she could. they met on three different occasions to consult about the dress. three times? for a…prom dress? these are the lengths you have to go to for a dress a careless child is going to wear for one night in a darkened high school gymnasium?? wow, man. parenting is a nightmare!
okay wait there are pictures being handed to the bailiff now and the camera zoomed out to reveal that the dress is hanging in the courtroom and it is becoming clearer with lafaye’s further explanation that this dress was already made and kizzy had just been enlisted to add feathers to it. is that difficult? couldn’t i, a sentient ottoman, do that?!
lafaye gives a very long and confusing account of how she wanted her to make that plain dress into a fit n’ flare feathered dress and she bought feathers for it and kizzy measured her daughter and then she bought more feathers and kizzy measured her daughter a second time and then she bought different feathers and kizzy measured the poor child a third time and again i ask you: a horse or a dog could do this, right? what the fuck is happening here?
a few days before the prom lafaye’s daughter went to kizzy’s house to pick up the dress because she was in panama. OKAY, LAFAYE!! upon her return she discovered that the dress neither “fit” nor “flared” and she was pissed. she told kizzy that she wanted a full refund of her $350. hold up, isn’t she suing for $1200?? oh my god, the rest is for EMOTIONAL DISTRESS! how did that get by me? i appreciate the attempt but my man rarely, if ever, grants that unless the person is literally standing behind the podium bleeding in front of him. but maybe not even then!!
kizzy starts her defense by telling the judge that she learned to do alterations in high school, which is more than most of us did. i’m proud of her. she says that when the daughter came to try on the dress not only did she love it, she loved it so much she called her mother in panama to tell her how much she loved it! then she paid her! in addition to the long distance charges she incurred!!
the daughter is in court and the judge asks her why she paid for it if she didn’t like it? she responds that she “was in distress” and didn’t know how to tell her she hated it, and as a conflict-averse sensitive baby who has shut up and eaten many disgusting or incorrect restaurant meals, I FEEL THIS VERY DEEPLY. apparently lafaye came home from her trip and asked kizzy to fix the un-flared feathers she’d attached with tulle, but kizzy had already moved on to her next customer and said she didn’t have time. so the daughter wore the bad dress and her prom was ruined! what in the goddamn world, are there no macy’s in alabama? should i move there and buy some feathers and glue sticks???

the ruling: not fixing the dress is a “material breach,” which gets lafaye her refund. greg says emotional distress is for extreme acts that cause severe distress. so she’s not getting that. kizzy said that lafaye and her daughter have harassed her so badly and defamed her on facebook that her blood pressure went up. you know the judge ain’t trying to hear that shit at all, especially since in the printed-out facebook screenshot kizzy brought for evidence the girl didn’t even mention her by name. HER CLAIM IS DENIED. i told y’all! forget alabama, i’m going to law school.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: when lafaye told him she’d been in panama greg said “you missed the girl’s prom because you were chasing a man around the world?!” and was acting mad like it was his prom. a free trip to panama with a fine-ass man? come on, now! your honor, how do you say “dickmatized” in spanish!!

*bangs gavel*