who's on judge mathis today? #71

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: roxie from charlestown, indiana. the name roxie just reminded me that i saw the movie chicago three times in the theater because i loved it so much. what a sociopath! anyway, that “both reached for the gun” marionette scene??? absolutely flawless! renee zellweger really is that bitch, sorry if you disagree, but you’re wrong. anyway, our roxie (not hart) is wearing a long, floaty animal-print gauzy sheer vest ( ? ) over a mockneck brown top, and i haven’t been to a zoo since childhood so i might be wrong but this scarf features leopard and cheetah and zebra markings????????? she’s wearing half the african jungle around her neck! roxie has that short menopause haircut (you know the one) and her accordion of truth™ is locked and loaded.

defendant: josh from nabb, indiana. josh is a tall, cold glass of skim milk in a sapphire dress shirt, blue tie, and dark grey slacks. damn, this dude is tall. he also looks extremely mean, plus he has giant hands and a large, pronounced adam’s apple: hold up a second, am i in love with josh??

the complaint: roxie (not hart) is suing her off-and-on “soulmate” (girl, what? ok) for some dental work she paid for him to get done.

what does she want: $722 for breach of contract. [sigh] here we go again. okay, it’s not nothing but it’s also not a whole lot? surely this is not an amount of money worth missing a whole day of work while also embarrassing yourself on national tv?? josh is countersuing for $745 and, okay, maybe they’re still in love and this is foreplay or whatever because come the fuck on with these paltry amounts!

how it went down: roxie (not hart) says she’s known the defendant for 10+ years and they’ve gone from friends to friends-with-benefits to a relationship and back again. she says that every time it has come to an end it has ended on josh’s terms and boyyyyy do i know all the fucking words to that song! TEAM ROXIE (NOT HART). she says every time he’s walked away he has gone back to the same person from his past. okay idk all the details yet but i have always wondered about relationships like these: do you get to just, like, start over every time? do you get a clean slate? i have never gotten back together with anyone because i don’t believe in hustling backward i.e. i fully understand that no one ever fundamentally changes, but how does it work for people who do? (spoiler alert: it doesn’t!) if i did somebody bogus i wouldn’t go back simply because i wouldn’t want to suffer through the agony of the “constant apologizing” period, that long stretch of time that comes right before “hearing about what i did for the rest of my stupid life” and directly after “humiliating myself to get her back.” that’s all i can think about when i hear someone has an on-again/off-again relationship: how many times did they have to say sorry???

roxie (not hart) says that the last time she and josh were together and she started seeing the signs that he was on his way out she’d thought he was her soulmate and she loved him beyond anyone she’d ever been with, but he had abused that love and devotion so much that she stopped loving him. wow, what a piece of shit. the judge thinks so, too. “what’s his other woman like?” he asks roxie (not hart). “is she as sharp as you? does she have a nice haircut and wear sharp...what is that, a vest? does she wear nice vests like you do?!” man, i love greg so much.

“tell me how you’ve hurt this woman,” greg says, turning to josh. uh oh, sounds like mister josh is about to become a victim of some good old-fashioned judicial bias! josh says that roxie (not hart) is only suing him out of spite due to their being “separated,” and lmao DUH DUDE OF COURSE. when did spite become such a dirty road? yeah, i get it, high road blah blah blah, but is it not perfectly reasonable (honorable, even!) after someone has fucked you over to enlist the help of your favorite courtroom television judge to get back what they owe you? riddle me this: who doesn’t sue someone out of spite??? josh says that not only is roxie (not hart) suing him because she can’t have him anymore but she’s also a sex fiend! didn’t we establish yesterday that you can’t legally will someone to fuck you?? anyway greg says, “that’s why he can’t stay with you, ma’am! he’s tired!”

roxie (not hart) says josh owes her money for some dental work she helped him pay for, and that’s goddamn right you can’t kiss another bitch with (technically) my teeth! roxie (not hart) says she paid $871 on her care credit card (the veterinary receptionist buried deep within me just shuddered) and josh was supposed to pay back $50 a month until it was paid off, which he did not. josh says he didn’t pay because, drumroll please, IT WAS A GIFT BECAUSE THEY WERE TOGETHER. he says roxie (not hart) didn’t ask for any money until it was the end of their relationship which, i mean, duh???

the ruling: roxie (not hart) brought evidence! but the evidence she has is months and months of credit card statements, not proof that she’d asked him to pay the money back. apparently these are people who still talk on the phone? in this day and age?? she has not a single text in which she demands he repay the money! i am 100% moron and even i know that you have to send at least one “so you’ll pay me back next thursday, right?” text if you’re planning on eventually going to court!

i was just about to get worried for my poor roxie (not hart), but it turns out josh made some payments to her! why would you do that if it was a gift, joshua??? greg asks him why and he says he didn’t pay her toward this, and greg asks “well what did you pay her for?” and josh replies “this!” and welp he caught you lying so now you and your newly filled teeth can get the fuck out of this courtroom because your case is dismissed. roxie (not hart)’s verdict is granted, and she celebrates by walking over to give josh his old toothbrush, which i don’t think is the slam dunk she thinks it is (girl, you saved it!) but go off, i guess!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “which separation are you referring to? she says you run off every time the other woman walks up the street!”

*bangs gavel*

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