who's on judge mathis today? #73

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: felicia from rochester, new york. she’s wearing one of those shirts, i don’t know what to call it, but i feel like we all had one back in the day? it’s like, a plaid tunic? with a button placket?? man, i had one in that forest green/navy ll bean color scheme and i wore that bad girl out. those were the days! she has magenta hair and hoop earrings, and her accordion of truth™ is packed full of secrets.

defendant: joseph from rochester, new york. my man comes storming into the courtroom like he’s got something to prove, and i’m not trying to put my extreme horniness on blast, BUT: he kind of resembles a young forest whitaker and not to be inappropriate in this very professional newsletter but i would risk it all for him. he’s wearing a black suit with a royal blue dress shirt and a pink tie and does it go together? ABSOLUTELY NOT. but would i love to accompany him to wherever you get discount suits to pick something less garish??? 100% yes! what can i say, i’m a sucker for a cleft chin.

the complaint: felicia says she and the defendant were friends with benefits, but he has a temper and tried to hit her with his car. this is why sex has to be illegal, imagine having a casual thing with your homeboy that ends with vehicular manslaughter?? michelin tire scars all up and down your back from a dude who couldn’t manually bring you to orgasm?????? A CRIME.

what does she want: $2155 for loans and emotional distress. joseph has filed a countersuit (oh nooo) for $2000 for emotional distress (lord, why must you be so cruel??) and i am already tired!

how it went down: felicia says she met joe in august of 2018 when he became the supervisor at her job and they started sleeping together shortly thereafter. but they stopped, not because either of them wised up to the fact that shitting where you eat is a life-ruining rookie mistake, but because they both are hotheads with short fuses who couldn’t stop fighting. for example, felicia says that one night she invited joe over for dinner and she “playfully hopped on him” (i truly cannot wait for dude to clarify that this means punched and/or stabbed!) to which he responded by tossing her onto the bed and then storming out the door, which is something he always does. (the storming, not the tossing!) the judge asks if she chases after joe when he leaves and felicia admitted that yes, she does, because she is in love with him. on the evening in question after she chased him they argued in the street, then joe got in his car, “put the medal to the metal,” and almost hit felicia when she jumped in front of the fucking car. have i ever been in love????? i mean, i must not have, because while there are several people i could imagine running me over with a car in the, ahem, sexual sense (??) being mowed down by my regular-ass booty-calling supervisor’s old nissan sentra as he tries to escape me??? I SIMPLY CANNOT FATHOM IT.

joe says he actually first met felicia in a bar and then they discovered a few weeks later that they worked together. i have never worked anyplace large enough that you don’t meet every single person on staff within your first five minutes of clocking in and filling out a w2, so this is terrifying to me. joe says he and felicia had a “casual situation” (oh brother) and nothing more. on the night in question, he says felicia PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE (where’s my prize??) and he ran down the stairs to get away from her (and avoid catching a charge) but she followed him and then threw herself in front of his car. well, she busted one of the windows out of his car (my goodness!) and then threw herself into the car’s path as he was trying to drive away.

felicia’s next example of...honestly i’m not sure what? his rational response to an argument?? anyway another incident occurred when he didn’t put his trash in the garbage can immediately and she picked a fight about it, at the end of which he got in his car and drove off “like he always does.” yeah man, i’m with him. we could either fight or i could go the fuck home, and i’m choosing to take my ass on away from you every! single! time! greg is with him, too, and offers joe a handshake for always choosing to defuse a tense situation by removing himself from it.

joe says that he kept talking to felicia because she threatened to tell their superiors at work about their relationship, and that he has tried to block her from contacting him but she just calls from other phones or regularly changes her number!!! omg i had both a benadryl and a muscle relaxer a couple of hours ago to get ready for bed and now these words are swimming on the screen, can i make it through this and still write coherently?? my eyelids feel like they each weight twenty pounds and my hands feel like they belong to someone else, like i’ve never used them before. what if i send this out and it’s a bumbling mess???

lmao ok i went to bed. anyway, felicia lent joe $1100 in february 2019. they both signed off on the promissory note, and agreed that rather than pay felicia back directly joe would pay her rent? i have rewound this part back six times because i did not understand how this math works out, so i’m just gonna type what the fuck she said because i trust you guys are smarter than i am and can make sense of this: “now he paid me back in full in march 2019, $2725; march was the last time he paid. but he still owes me $1155 because he never paid my rent for may, june, and july.” they agreed to the rent thing because felicia says she has “a spending problem.” i’m not suze orman but, like, i don’t know that a man i have to lend money to is the best financial planner??? bitch is there no h&r block in your town????? also, how is it possible to pay someone back in full and still owe?!!!?!?!! dude i’m fucking losing it.

joe says that what felicia actually wanted was for him to pay her rent because they were fucking. he said it nicer because he’s on tv, but that’s the gist of it and sir she is correct. i’m fully in favor of paying the rent of the person you have sex with. joe pulls receipts from her landlord of out his accordion of truth™ that prove he paid the rent for several months in accordance with their loan agreement. he then says that what felicia wanted was for him to take the money he owed her at the casino, flip that money, pay her rent, then give her the extra. okay i do not have the wherewithal to parse through the ethics of that but let me ask you this: how do you get this deep into the shit with someone you’ve known for less than three months? my wife doesn’t even know my middle name!! how in the world do you go from “casually hooking up after work” to “pay my rent with the money you won at the casino??” is romance and mystery actually dead?! GODDAMN.

the ruling: joe has a video with him in court that he shot on his cellular phone, and boy would i love to watch that! it’s very blurry and most of it is beeped out but basically felicia is cussing joe out for paying her rent when she asked him to? listen, i am pretty delirious but honestly i think this might just be a dumb case! you know and i know that what we’re actually doing here is watching this lovestruck person (the way she is smiling at him throughout this tragedy is truly breaking my heart) drum up an elaborate excuse to, i don’t know, be near her crush? what am i missing here!

greg is over this and so am i. joe says he’s suing felicia for emotional distress because she got him fired from their job. she apparently went to his boss’s boss and told him that joe stole money from her and they were sleeping together. felicia interjects to say that joe is lying, that she got mad because she has a temper and went to his boss and told him...about the situation, and said she could “no longer work with him.” how is that different from what joe just said?? felicia says joe blocked her on everything he could and called the police on her multiple times and listen girl i have had my nose open for a man once or twice in my life, too, but sweety this is humiliating go home!!

joe is self-lawyered down to the fucking socks, babe, and he pulls out not only printed out texts™ in which felicia says “i’m coming to the job and telling them everything to get you fired” but also a motherfucking recording of him getting fired in which his bosses admit they’re letting him go based off of an unsubstantiated rumor from felicia! bitch this is more dramatic than an episode of l.a. law holy shit! somehow felicia is still saying “you know i didn’t do that” with this creepy and unsettling smile on her face and yo is something wrong with her?

THE JUDGE HAS HAD ENOUGH. felicia’s claim is dismissed because we all just watched a grainy android video of her yelling at joe because he paid her rent like she asked him to (i’m dying, please) and greg grants joe’s judgment because this weird bitch cost him his job. in a twist i didn’t see coming greg says that joe shortchanged himself by asking for two grand and grants him the maximum amount of $5000, which is hilarious. imagine getting paid for every sicko you let waste your money and time. i’d be a billionaire!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “where were you, you jumped in front of the car?? yeah, you’re too in love!”

*bangs gavel*

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