plaintiff: titia (pronounced “tish-a”) from dittmer, missouri. poor titia looks like she was rode hard and put away wet, and why she is in a makeshift courtroom instead of a hospital is beyond me. listen, i’ve had a hard life, but you probably wouldn’t know that upon meeting me unless you had access to my bloodwork; i’ve at least dabbled in enough topical exfoliants and hydrating oils to trick you into thinking at first glance that maybe i’ve taken good care of myself. titia on the other hand looks like she’s seen some shit and by “shit” i mean “drugs.”
defendant: ralph from cedar hill, missouri. ralph looks fucking terrifying. i was gonna sugarcoat it but nah, my man looks scary as hell. he’s either boring a hole through the judge with the invisible lasers shooting from his eyeballs or in intense abdominal pain, i can’t tell. today’s intro is the kind where they’re already standing at the podium when the voiceover starts, so i can’t get the best look at their ensembles, but ralph is wearing a navy dress shirt with a haphazard necktie, and his haircut looks like malpractice.
the complaint: titia bought a truck from ralph and never received it.
what does she want: $5000 for the cost of a truck. countersuit filed just to torture me for the hell of it: ralph would like $5000 for harassment, and i am already beside myself.
how it went down: titia says she and ralph have been friends for a long time and that some activities they enjoy together are hanging out and smoking both pot and meth.
speaking of meth, let me tell y’all about this absolutely fucking CURSED shit i made the mistake of watching. i was working in chicago a few weeks ago, staying in this corporate apartment that was in, like, an adult dorm for finance bros? it was super nice but empty and haunted feeling because no one actually lived there, and it’s not like i could make it feel super cozy or whatever (i did bring a ds&durga candle from home to make it smell good, i’m not a fucking monster) because it’s not like i could swap out the lamps and throw down my own rugs, so sometimes at night that echoey box would feel spooky and i would get creeped out. so one sunday evening i was gonna catch up on the outsider because i was a few episodes behind, but even though i already read the fucking book (moron!) i was too chickenshit to watch it alone in my luxurious concrete cell. so i was like “hmm, what else does hbo have to offer on this cold and terrifying evening?” and i clicked on this documentary called METH STORM (why??? do i hate myself) and sat in dismay with a blanket half covering my face while watching that devastating horrorshow in its entirety. i should have just watched that scary monster shit. google the trailer if you dare but it was shocking and infuriating and so sad and i had pushed it almost all the way out of my mind but now because of this shit it’s back and i’m wrecked.
titia says that after five years of smoking meth she quit cold turkey in 2013 because she had to take care of her mom. i don’t know about that, i mean the people in the documentary were so desperate to get high they were rinsing their needles in disgusting old pepsi cans and this one lady was shooting up her fucking kids the addiction was so bad, but maybe titia has superpowers or some shit. greg is skeptical, too. i’m being nice, he straight up calls her a liar and says you can’t quit that easily and he won’t have her spreading dangerous misinformation to his precious viewers, which i appreciate. i almost put a mask on to go out and buy a pack of sudafed!
okay ralph gets a turn to speak because titia is genuinely shaken up by greg’s rebuke, and he says that he’s known titia their whole lives and they’ve never done drugs together, that their friendship consisted mostly of her bringing him sandwiches when he was at work. I WOULD LIKE A FRIEND LIKE THAT, PLEASE. except i’m still not eating gluten and, umm, sprouted grain bread? i’d rather pull my eyelashes out than eat that garbage. i guess i need a soup friend?
titia says ralph asked her if she wanted to buy a truck of his that had gotten repoed and she said yes. she got a cashier’s check for $6500 and they went to the title company and they switched the title over. they couldn’t get the truck that day so her boyfriend (they pan out to the boyfriend and he looks exactly like what you think he looks like) picked up ralph a couple days later to go get it and ralph still wouldn’t turn the truck over to them. titia called ralph numerous times in the following days to see if she could get either the truck or the money and he stalled her out, saying he just needed to clean the truck up and then he’d bring it over. after a few days of that tactic he stopped answering her calls entirely.
ralph says the scam was that titia was going to give him the money to get the car out of repo and then once he sold it he was going to pay her back. excuse me?? that might be believable if he hadn’t taken her to the motherfucking title company??? he says it was never supposed to be her truck, but titia has an accordion of truth™ full of evidence to the contrary. greg says “well she has the title” and ralph responds “well, they illegally signed it, i got a title, too!” yeahhh this is the kind of spice that i like. dueling poorly photocopied evidence sheets? HELL YES. titia says she has a clean title and ralph contends that he has one, too, and there is so much paper shuffling it’s making my eyes water but i love it. greg asks ralph, “so you’ve never smoked crystal meth?” and titia’s boyfriend, who is wearing white jeans in court today, jumps up to say that not only does ralph actively smoke crystal meth but the day he came over to ask titia about purchasing the truck he brought a pipe with him.
okay i’m gonna say it because we’re all thinking it: if i had to come up with six thousand five hundred emergency dollars today i could probably do it. hmm, maybe. i’ve got an old 401k out there somewhere, my sister might have a credit card with a hefty cash advance, and i absolutely would call my old boss jim and demand that he save me while sobbing. where did these folks get this money from?? could you imagine doing a real business deal over a cup of coffee and a plate of ice???? this is madness how is she so rich?! have i argued with a bitch who was absolutely zooted off pills at one in the morning over $20 on the street outside of scofflaw? you better fucking believe it. that’s normal! exchanging thousands of actual dollars with a dude smoking crank in your house? YOU GUYS. how did this even happen!
the ruling: the boyfriend sounds like he is chewing his own teeth and greg interrupts to ask if he does meth and he says “yeah, but i can still focus” and that’s fucking hilarious. the judge asks him to immediately sit his high ass down and then starts looking through the assorted paperwork. the “title” ralph purported to own was a vehicle release form (???) from a towing company and oh boy. that is not a title and greg is pissed. titia has evidence that the value of the car is $6500, and greg believes that she is owed but the maximum he can give her is $5000 so that’s her judgment. part of me is like “damn, losing $1500 trying to help your friend sucks” but can you imagine these people in an actual court of law?! better to take the fucking loss. ralph gets nothing since he tried to “perpetrate a fraud against the court” and i’ve watched enough good wife to know that he should probably go to jail for that but this is afternoon tv so public humiliation is all the punishment he’s gonna get.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: in a drug-adjacent case?? you already know what he said!