who's on judge mathis today? #77

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: chukwuemeka from dallas, texas. i don’t say this very often but goddamn this dude is fine. glistening dark chocolate skin, a slim cut charcoal suit and tie with a lavender shirt, shiny bald head, and perfectly groomed beard. wow o wow, A BABE. yet again i gotta give it up for the announcer, who pronounced this dude’s name like he’s been saying it all his life. this dude is a pro! chukwuemeka has an accordion of truth™ and also a pocket square, which is killing me. i love people who get dressed.

defendant: godfrey from mckinney, texas. these dudes are pretty fucking smooth, i gotta tell ya. i could be talked out of my clothes by either of them, and by that i mean “get completely naked based on one suggestive glance.” godfrey is a husky lad dressed head-to-toe in black: black dress shirt, black tie, black pants, black skin. these two are brothers?? my goodness. what must it be like to grow up in an attractive house, i wonder. god, what do their parents look like??? my sisters and i are like cinderella’s stepsisters, just homely and mean for no reason, which is why our parents didn’t love us! anyway this dude is cute as hell, too, plus he’s sporting my favorite haircut of all time: the “nba draft pick mohawk.”

the complaint: chukwuemeka is suing his older brother for an unpaid loan after he claims he gave his big brother money for a “bride price” (what is that) when he was getting married.

what does he want: $1000 for a loan!!

how it went down: chukwuemeka begins by saying he and his brother have been very close their whole lives and that godfrey is his hero. i am in awe of sweet, functional sibling relationships. my wife has two sisters and they, like, get together on facetime just to chat and they buy each other christmas gifts and shit and it’s so nice! i’ve told you this before but once i walked past my sister on an empty train platform because my brain absolutely did not register my mother’s third child. what kind of sociopathic flowers in the attic type shit is that? i’m glad these dudes love each other.

godfrey is four years older and chukwuemeka says they drifted apart a little bit when he went off to college. he says godfrey is more of a risk-taker, an entrepreneurial kind of guy, whereas chukwuemeka is more straight-laced and studious, finishing college and jumping right into the corporate world. actually, he finished undergrad, got his mba, and now he is a “strategy consultant.” god there is nothing i love more wholeheartedly than a fake-sounding job that essentially means “wears a nice suit into a building and talks sometimes while earning many thousands of dollars.” what an incredible scam! listen, i don’t need any brand strategists or content marketing managers emailing me, please know that i see you and i admire your hard work as an seo specialist or whatever pretend thing it is you do.

greg asks godfrey if his “entrepreneurial efforts have paid off” and he replies “yeah, most of the time they did. it’s been up and down.” chukwuemeka says that during some of the “down” times he’s had to come to his brother’s aid, including one time when he cashed out his 401k to help his brother start a business, from which he never saw a return on his investment. i’m starting to feel better about that day i didn’t recognize my sister.

chukwuemeka says that before godfrey’s wedding he had to lend him $1500 for “wedding expenses,” and when greg asks him “what do you mean...like for the banquet hall?” chukwuemeka says no, he helped godfrey pay his father-in-law a “bride price,” which is like a dowry in nigerian culture. “bride price? they still practice that in nigeria?? well that’s good to know because it looks like my son-in-law owes me some money!” the judge asks godfrey what the going rate for a bride price is, and godfrey says that it’s up to each individual family to decide. my asshole dad would have been like “you can have this smart-mouthed terrorist for a soft pack of kools and five lottery tickets, never bring her back!”

chukwuemeka lent godfrey the money the last week of october 2018, one week prior to the wedding. he asked him for it and he gave it to him the same day. godfrey promised to pay the money back immediately with the proceeds from the wedding, as it is customary in nigeria to give people money for their weddings. shit, i should’ve gotten married in nigeria! we got a badminton net and an economy-sized box of chuckles!! (lmao i registered for those, i am a fucking clown.) the wedding came and went, and when chukwuemeka asked his brother for the money godfrey said he’d had to use it for other things but offered to do a payment plan of $250 a week for six weeks until the loan was paid off and chukwuemeka agreed. two weeks later godfrey gave him $200, then a few weeks after that gave him another $300, and then he just stopped paying.

the ruling: godfrey says he got married and is still married and judge mathis threatens to void the marriage due to partial breach of contract and wait a second does he actually have powers like that??? the judge says that because the money his brother lent him was tied to the marriage contract with his wife’s family, by defaulting on his agreement to pay his brother back the entire marriage could be voided? this dude even pulls out a sheet of paper to draw a fucking venn diagram to prove that godfrey’s marriage is invalid??? i am truly agog. he says if any part of the contract is breached (godfrey-to-dad, godfrey-to-bride, GODFREY-TO-BROTHER) then the entire contract can be broken. this is hilarious yet also extremely terrifying? everyone is looking around like “uh…” because excuse me??? imagine coming on this show to lightheartedly stick it to your big brother than finding out that it could destroy his entire marriage?! THE GAGGERINI!!!

“wow,” godfrey deadpans. “that’s pretty deep.” greg busts out laughing but ummm i think we are all still in shock a little? everyone’s tentatively laughing like “is this divorce court, or” but greg breaks the tension and says he’s glad they’re still good brothers who get along but also that godfrey’s gotta give chukwuemeka the rest of his money so judgment for the plaintiff, and godfrey gets to stay married. for now!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: (to chukwuemeka) “my son-in-law is a nice-looking guy, a nice-looking guy like you.” (to godfrey) “and what happened to you??” (the courtroom laughs at ugly godfrey, even though i would absolutely bone him so i don’t get it????) “don’t even be frontin, don’t act like i done insulted you, this ain’t the first time you’ve heard that! you know judge mathis keep it real when you come in here! don’t worry, women want a man with more handsome money than handsome looks!”

*bangs gavel*

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