plaintiff: jason from maumee, ohio. jason is a tall glass of whole milk in a black sport coat and tie with a cornflower blue dress shirt beneath. he’s got a shaved head and faint remnants of a beard and he practically sprints into the courtroom, striding confidently into the room with his accordion of truth™ tucked at his side. this is a man who is ready to present his case!
defendant: heather from rossford, ohio. if nothing else, doing these recaps every day is going to teach me every small town in america. heather is wearing all black, a cute fitted dress over tights, and her hair is dramatically swept to one side. you can tell these two used to date by all of the restrained grimacing they’re doing.
the complaint: jason and heather dated despite her “serious drinking problem” and he is suing her for three different loans.
what does he want: $4770. a countersuit, for fun! heather would like $5000 for emotional distress and defamation. i sure hope there are some facebook screenshots or printed out text sheets™ in her accordion, because defamation is tough and i hate watching people get roasted when they try to get money because someone said some spicy shit to them and not because, say, they brought their successful business down with a lying tweet. i guess we’ll see!
how it went down: jason says he and heather met in 2001 and were friends for a couple years then drifted apart. they met again in 2018 and rekindled their friendship then started dating. heather was going through a divorce and started binge drinking occasionally, then her drinking got “heavier and heavier.” jason says when she drinks she gets a jekyll and hyde personality and that he tried to tell her she had a problem but she ignored him. the longer their relationship went on jason says it became clearer to him that heather was using him for drinks and money.
jason continues that they went on a vacation he paid for and heather contributed nothing to, and that when they returned she continued to binge drink and that caused a strain in their relationship. she had a job cleaning houses but was losing customers due to her drinking, then things got so bad that she eventually lost custody of her child, although he is not sure about the specifics of why. i understand that this is television and that you have to make these stories as interesting as possible or whatever, but unless she asked him for money to buy her child back why fucking get into all this??? especially if you don’t know the details! FEELS DEFAMATORY IF YOU ASK ME. anyway, heather eventually broke up with him (oh really?????) because he “supposedly spit in her face.”
lmao there we go. it’s always interesting when right out the gate a person is like “well she’s a slob, she’s broke, she’s a fuck up, her kids hate her, she kicks puppies” and then at the very end is like, “oh by the way i beat her up.” come on, you fucking asshole. okay let’s see what heather says about all this. according to her, jason:
-was controlling
-had her followed
-needed to know where she was all the time
-would take pictures of her car at different places then text them to her do she’d know he was watching
-verbally abused her, called her name
-ripped her out of a car with her seatbelt on
-spit in her fucking face!!!!!!!!
idk dude maybe that’s why she got drunk all the time? heather says it isn’t true that she’d get drunk and out of control, and it also isn’t true that she lost custody of her son. she says she and the kid’s father have a shared parenting agreement, but she didn’t bring the paperwork that proves it today because that’s not what they’re there for. see that’s what i’m talking about! don’t bring up shit to make me look bad if that’s not what you’re suing me about!! unless the money you gave me was to get my kid out of pawn or whatever (that’s how that works, right?), don’t be bringing all my custodial shit up to deflect from the fact that you yanked my ass out of a car!!!
greg asks heather how often she drinks and gets out of control and she snaps “whenever he gets on my nerves” and uh ohhhh the judge doesn’t like that tone and turns to jason and says, “wait, did you say you have video of this behavior?” and now i am bracing myself for death. in the video (which, come on guys, would it kill you to turn your phones to landscape when documenting some trifling bullshit you plan to rebroadcast on a tv??) heather is sitting cross-legged in shorts and a tank top with no shoes on (oh no) and smoking a cigarette, in what appears to be the middle of a sunny day, slurring her words about how she’s absolutely fine to drive a car.
jason sounds like every sociopathic lifetime movie husband who is trying to prove that he’s not a bad guy, he’s just got his capable, dependable hands full dealing with this hysterical lady! he’s doing that thing you do when you’re arguing and you know you’re about to submit this conversation as evidence (or you are talking to a recalcitrant child): “you hit my car when you pulled in; i’m not holding you here, i’m trying to make you not drive home; you’re not fine, you’re slurring your words; you’re drunk and i’m not letting you leave; when someone says you’re drinking and you shouldn’t be driving, you should probably listen.” oh brother.
in september 2018 jason paid the retainer for heather’s divorce attorney, in october 2018 he paid the down payment on a new apartment so she could move out of her ex-husband’s house, and in december 2018 he paid the back rent she owed on that same apartment so she wouldn’t get evicted. i don’t know if he’s trying to make it sound scandalous but this just sounds like the cost of getting divorced, you gotta get a lawyer and probably a new place to live. the judge asks if heather said she was going to pay him back and jason says that she promised to give him money once the divorce was final and she got half of her ex-husband’s 401k.
the ruling: the judge asks when the last time they discussed it was and jason says it was in the break up text heather sent him, when she promised to pay back every dollar. he asks heather if that’s true and heather says that everything jason gave her was a gift, that he’d insisted on paying the attorney fees to hasten getting on with their lives together. not only did he ask her three times if he could take care of it for her, when she adamantly said no jason went to the lawyer’s office and paid the bill with his credit card without even telling her! man, that tracks, especially if dude was as controlling as she says. can’t have his property legally bound to another man!
jason doesn’t have printed out text sheets™ of these supposed “i’ll pay you back with my settlement” messages, which is hilarious considering he played a whole-ass irrelevant-ass video of her earlier??????? what, was there no more room on your phone? delete the drunk tirade recording and try to get homegirl on tape saying she’s gonna pay you! it’s so funny that dude thought he was gonna make her look bad because she lost her kid and loves to party and the one thing he didn’t do was prove that she owes him the money he’s suing her for! simply incredible. judgment for me, for getting through this nightmare.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “your case is dismissed, and yours is dismissed also. you all go work it out, bye!”
*bangs gavel*