who's on judge mathis today? #81

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: mark from abilene, texas. mark has a shiny bald head and glasses and is wearing his sunday best: navy blazer over dove grey v-neck sweater, lavender dress shirt, and dark purple tie, and of course he is carrying the judge mathis version of the holy bible, a brand new accordion of truth™. you know what i miss? that gospel singing competition show sunday best that used to come on BET. first of all, i love kirk franklin. if i could carry him around in my pocket all day, i would. man, that was a good show. it was so good i bought “come ye disconsolate” on itunes even though every time it would pop up on shuffle people would be like HUH???? remember those good old sunday nights, catch the spirit watching sunday best and then go straight to hell after an hour of power (RIP)? anyway, dude kind of looks like ricky dillard, if you know who that is.

defendant: maccrianna from milwaukee, wisconsin. resplendent in a neon coral blazer over a tight black bodysuit and pants, her glossy black hair parted down the center, maccrianna strides into the courtroom filled with purpose, her accordion of truth™ packed with evidence.

the complaint: mark is suing his daughter for a tow bill and the cost of a key.

what does he want: $1145. countersuit yes lord: maccrianna would like $2000 for a refund on a car.

how it went down: mark says he met maccrianna’s mother 30+ years ago, and right after maccrianna was born he started “noticing a lot of infidelity.” ummm, i’m sorry dad but divorce court is down the fucking hallway let’s get to the cost of this key? mark says that her mom “spits battery acid when she talks,” and that she turned maccrianna against him early on. mark says that once he and her mother had an argument and as he tried to leave maccrianna, who was six at the time, ran out of her bedroom and kicked him in leg, shouting, “leave my mommy alone!” ugh this is so fucking irritating, imagine getting mad at a kindergartner (i can’t!) and then thirty years later bringing it up with them like it’s an actual thing to be mad about??? does he hear the words that are coming out of his mouth!

then he tells another story about when maccrianna, again as a small child, said “you’re not my dad!” in the heat of an argument. the judge asks maccrianna how old she is currently, just to torture me further, and she says she’s 29. “sir, are you questioning paternity? you don’t have to pay child support, so what’s the problem?” seriously! you held a petty grudge against your child and then dragged her on tv to hash it out?? god what is mark gonna say next, that he tripped over a barbie she left on the floor and he wants pain and suffering??? well...kinda! mark continues to complain, bringing up an incident in which he asked maccrianna to come to his “birthday bash” (please, someone stab me) and she didn’t and that hurt his feelings. maccrianna tells the judge she couldn’t come because she was in college and had final exams. the judge asks how much mark put down on maccrianna’s college education and he says he paid child support while she was in school, except we all know that you’re off the hook (legally) when your kid turns 18. greg says “you paid child support while she was in college???” and we all wait in agony for mark to admit what we already knew, that he was paying child support to this fully grown adult woman because he had been in the arrears.

more nerve than a fucking toothache, man! you bring your kid on tv to sue her, bring up some shit she did before she fucking had motor skills that made you mad, then you gotta admit that you didn’t take care of her while she was growing up??? electric chair! maccrianna says her relationship with her father hasn’t been good since she was a teenager, caused specifically by an incident during which he slapped her in the face for asking for a ride to work. she says he’s missed both her graduations and she’s probably seen him a handful of times since she’s been an adult. maccrianna then goes on to illustrate what a shitty father he’s been and says she’s embarrassed that they’re even in court. yeah, girl, we are, too. what a gross person he is!

mark is suing maccrianna for some tickets she got on a 2007 dodge durango he was selling. he told her he was selling it and she offered to buy it and they made a verbal agreement of $3500 in exchange for the title and vehicle. when they exchanged the vehicle maccrianna gave mark $1500 plus three postdated checks, then left the next day to drive the car back from texas to wisconsin. the car caught fire while she was on the motherfucking highway in texas and she called him for help and he told her the car burst into flames “because she was playing the music too loud.” listen, nominate maccrianna for sainthood for not driving back to his house and running mark the fuck over.

the ruling: maccrianna says that the agreement was correct but instead of using the postdated checks she told her dad she was going to cash app mark the money because the IRS was garnishing her wages. as a person currently on a payment plan with those vultures i will testify that they do not give a shit about the rest of your life and take their money out of your account without fail every single month. maccrianna called her dad and asked if he could wait for the second or third installment and he said no, if she didn’t pay him immediately he was going to call the police and report the car as stolen. okay, so i’m usually joking and everything because that’s what we do here but i seriously hope this dude gets hit by a bus. what a horrible piece of shit.

maccrianna paid mark another five hundred dollars, at which point he said “you know what, this is fine, i’ll send you the title.” GEE, WHAT A GUY. except he didn’t send her the title, and after getting the car fixed maccrianna gave it to her mother to drive. her mother ended up getting some tickets, unbeknownst to maccrianna, and those tickets went to mark because this asshole never sent them the fucking title. how is he mad? what alternate universe does he live in??

maccrianna’s counterclaim is for a refund because her father sold her a goddamn inoperable car, and i wish i was the judge because i’d add whatever the maximum i could add for SHEER FUCKING GALL. he grants her claim (if he hadn’t i would be apoplectic!) then tells mark that if he wants the money for the tickets then he needs to sue the person who got the tickets: her mother. better advice would be to crawl in a hole and die, but greg is a lot nicer than i am.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “of course you could trust her. she shouldn’t trust you because you wouldn’t even pay child support! i don’t trust you, either!”

*bangs gavel*

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