plaintiff: carly from altoona, wisconsin. carly storms into the courtroom on a wave of simmering rage, scowling at the camera from beneath her dyed magenta hair and over her bright tomato red v-neck shirt. she is huffing and puffing angrily just standing there at the podium, and her accordion of truth™ looks like it’s about to melt from the steam pouring from her ears.
defendant: jessica from eau claire, wisconsin. jessica is tall with platinum-blond shoulder length hair, gold aviator classes that look cool as fuck, a midnight blue blazer over a black shirt, and serving a lethal amount of serious top energy. is this our first lesbian couple since i started doing this??? omg i gotta go adopt an extra cat to celebrate.
the complaint: carly is suing her ex-girlfriend for a security deposit and rent.
what does she want: $2700
how it went down: carly kicks it off by saying that she and jessica met in middle school and started hanging out in high school, and somebody call the horny police i had no idea these were RECENT TEENS. no and thank you! carly says that they lived different lifestyles back then (what is a 17-year-old’s lifestyle, masturbation and easy mac?), that she got addicted to prescription pills at 13 (oh shit, okay) and a year later moved on to heroin. the judge asks where her parents were and carly says “i just didn’t listen,” which is terrifying. it’s so easy to assume that ~single mom working the overnight shift~ is producing bad kids but ol’ two loving parents at home here had rules and structure but was just like “suck it, mom and dad!” sheesh.
carly says she was addicted for eight years and in those eight years she overdosed eleven times. my goodness. carly has spent a total of two and a half years in jail on various possession and disorderly conduct charges, but she says that during this most recent stint she told herself that this time would be the last. greg asks her “how many times was this?” and she answers, as plainly as i would tell you my name, “15.” wow, dude! carly says she was sick of the life so she volunteered to go to drug court, which i don’t think is a thing? i think a judge tells you that you’re volunteering to go to drug court??? and i’m right, because greg gets mad and says he held drug court in detroit (is there anything this man can’t do??) and that if you go it’s because the state made you.
jessica says she and carly were together for about a year after they reconnected on facebook. they got a place together, and soon after they moved in they started to not get along. jessica says carly is very vicious and spiteful, and i know you’re not supposed to judge a book by it’s cover, but...homegirl looks mean! sometimes people just look fucking mean, okay? greg asks for an example of carly’s vindictiveness and jessica says that one evening they had a fight and she left the apartment to defuse the situation, then later that night carly texted her a picture of her ex-girlfriend naked in their shared bed. hello?????? are you nuts????????? i would do a quick cost/benefit analysis of my remaining things in that apartment (“how much is my old ipad worth? should i go back for some shirts and a charger or just buy new ones at the gas station on the way to my new life?”) because if you do that to me we ain’t got shit to talk about, i’m out. i’m not even possessive, who cares if you fuck your old girlfriend, but if we can’t have a ~heated discussion~ without you becoming an emotional terrorist and texting me some other girl’s asshole then you’re a moron and i can’t be with you!
(also, logistically, think about how quickly you have to get this ball rolling in order for it to work. unless your ex lives next door, you have to: 1 wait for me to really leave and not just be pacing outside 2 contact her 3 wait for her to arrive 4 convince her to get naked and/or actually have sex with her 5 take a picture and send it to me all while 6 panicking that i might come home any minute??? james fucking bond couldn’t make shit happen this quickly!)
carly interrupts to say that jessica doesn’t communicate and doesn’t want to commit and is immature, and girl you better go take a chill pill because are you fucking shitting me?? carly says jessica walks out over every little thing and when greg asks why she left this last time, what was the little thing that happened the time carly is suing her over, carly says she doesn’t remember. hold up, if you owe me three thousand dollars you better believe i remember the exact circumstances under which you came to take possession of those three thousand of my dollars. you don’t have to be sherlock holmes to figure out that carly did something fucked up to her and jessica bounced. you can tell from carly’s demeanor in court that she doesn’t fight fair!
according to carly they agreed to pay $300 each on the rent, then jessica moved out and never took her name off the lease. carly’s parents paid the rent because carly couldn’t afford it after jessica moved out. jessica says carly’s mom paid first month and the security deposit (what must it be like to have parents like this??) so she doesn’t owe carly, and that she paid rent for the month of may, which was the only month she actually lived there. she says they had a month-to-month lease and the judge asks when jessica gave notice and she says “the day i moved out” which made me cackle, and greg wants to laugh too but he can’t because that’s a violation, you gotta give 30 days notice on a month-to-month lease, which he tells her while putting on his serious judge face.
carly says she has a printed out text sheet™ somewhere in her accordion of truth™ from jessica saying that she would pay half the security deposit that carly’s mom had paid. shouldn’t carly’s mom be in here to collect? god, imagine how stressed out that poor woman must be. heroin addiction plus constant gay drama??? exhausting!
the ruling: greg is clearly tired of this shit. i wonder if they make drug addicts disclose their pasts in the pre-show interview because her years of heroin use weren’t relevant to the case carly was trying to make, so why tell him? he’s just gonna do that thing where he over-enunciates every word and rolls his eyes at everything you say! did she think he was going to pat her on the head and congratulate her for getting off dope? he might, but even if he does he’s still gonna call you a crackhead the whole time. why risk it?? greg mathis would have to catch me with a rock in my hand before i would willfully admit any drug use to him and botch my own case before it even got started.
anyway the judge asks carly if she has any proof that jessica said she would pay the security deposit and carly says “why would i have proof? she signed the lease!” greg asks her again, over-e-nun-ci-a-ting, “dO yOu HaVe aNy pRoOf ThAt SHe AgReED tO pAy?”and carly again shakes the lease at him and he said that just means they agreed to rent the place together, it doesn’t have anything to do with who would pay what. more flames shoot out of carly’s nose as greg says he can only force jessica to pay for the month she missed and the month she didn’t give notice for, not the eight extra months carly continued to live in the apartment and text her revenge porn from. judgment, kind of, for the plaintiff.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “why are you so itchy? you’re nervous?? i know you’ve been in front of plenty other judges, were they so sweet to you and i’m not? do you think i’m the devil?!”