who's on judge mathis today? #83

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: kenneth from rochester, new york. kenneth strides purposefully into the courtroom in a standard-issue light blue dress shirt and dark grey slacks with a checked tie, his accordion of truth™ tucked safely under one arm. kenneth looks like your boilerplate black granddad: bald head, gruff salt-and-pepper beard that’s mostly salt, adorable little pot belly. he’s cute!

defendant: samiah from rochester, new york. wait a fucking minute, how the fuck do these people know each other???? like i said, kenneth? retired cab driver slash grandpa. samiah? young sexy goddess in tight pants with breast tattoos. please god, someone hire me to produce “after the mathis,” the show i just came up with where we follow the interesting litigants to the rock n’ roll mcdonalds (or wherever they shuttle them after the case is over) and find out how on earth they came to know each other. what in the world is samiyah doing in court today with your pepaw?! anyway, she’s beautiful, can’t wait for this, etc etc.

the complaint: kenneth is suing his “former friend” for an unpaid loan.

what does he want: $5000 countersuit, because it’s friday and i deserve a little treat: samiah would like $5000 for breach of contract and emotional distress. lord, why must you test me!

how it went down: kenneth, who has a very deep and appealing voice, says he has known samiah for 13 years. he says “she thinks she’s so pretty, she thinks she’s god’s gift to the world.” well, she’s not wrong? i mean, she’s fucking pretty! man, you all better be glad i’m ugly, because if i was beautiful and had this same brain??? you couldn’t tell me shit! beautiful people get to do whatever the hell they want, unchecked; and while i am perfectly content to continue moldering away under my rotting bridge, waiting for little billy goats to walk by, if i got the chance to ruin someone’s life as a gorgeous woman??? bitch i would take it! okay so kenneth says that in an effort to stay young and beautiful samiah has had “her butt done, her breasts done, and her stomach.” greg asks how he knows all this and kenneth said that he loaned her the tummy tuck money and she never paid it back.

okay i have listened to this story three times in an attempt to get it right and it still doesn’t make sense so bear with me: kenneth has known samiah for 13 years but until february he’d only seen her once or twice a year. in february he had back surgery and afterward rented a room from a man he’s calling “the bank robber.” samiah and the bank robber are friends, and samiah started dropping by the house every night after she got off work. the three of them would have drinks, hang out, etc. samiah started talking about needing to get a tummy tuck and eventually asked kenneth to loan her the money to get one, which kenneth says she did only because the bank robber “caught wind that he was getting a lump sum payment” (read: he bragged to the bank robber) and advised samiah to ask him for the money. following all that? okay great, me neither!

samiah says that yes she met kenny 13 years ago but she only saw him once or twice period, not once or twice a year. he moved into their mutual friend’s house and she would stop by every night to have drinks with them, and samiah says she gravitated toward kenny because he would always be reading the bible. wait a minute, for fun? every single night?? while getting fucked up??? lmao okay, i guess! samiah says that while they’d be drinking kenny would stick out his tongue in a sexy way (vomit) to telegraph to samiah that he wanted to give her oral sex. first of all, in what world does some old man waggling his thick, crusted lizard tongue at you make you want to get your pussy eaten? second, WWJD?????

samiah ignored those advances probably because she didn’t want to die choking on her own barf. she said she was further turned off because at the time kenny was having a sexual relationship “with a young crackhead.” expecting kenny to deny this scurrilous claim, greg turns to get his response and he replies, “well, she’s [a crackhead], too!” please tell me which version of the bible my man was out here reading that allows that. i might have to start going back to church! anyway, the bank robber was supposed to give samiah $3000 for her surgery but then they fell out, so kenny offered to step in and gift her the money, and he gave her $5000 just to be nice. mm hmm.

again, this is a convoluted nightmare, so if it doesn’t make sense blame drugs. okay so the surgery story is that kenny and samiah went to miami for a month for a “tummy tuck vacation.” kenny had family to visit and there were some complications with samiah’s surgery, so even though they weren’t a couple they drove down to florida together and stayed there for a month while she healed. this story is fucking weird!

the ruling: greg asks samiah if she thought the money was a gift and she says yes. kenny, who is getting more irate by the minute, says emphatically that it was a loan and that samiah promised to start making payments as soon as she got back to work. kenny says that he regularly asked samiah about paying him back but every time he did she came up with a different story. greg asks samiah again and again she says IT WAS A GIFT. why hasn’t he asked for proof? if she didn’t sign a promissory note and kenny doesn’t have a printed out text sheet™ then bang that gavel and let’s get the fuck outta here!

ohmygod we still have to deal with the counterclaim! okay, apparently at some point kenny was living with samiah? and during that time he was supposed to fix a car for her to give to her son?? what is this relationship!! while he was supposed to be fixing one car samiah was going to take over the payments for his other car, and greg and i both want to know how you start a new business transaction with a person while you are still owed money from an unresolved one??? i mean, you don’t need a fucking mba to lend your homegirl some cash, but in what universe do you get back in financial bed with a person who already owes you money, especially without getting literally anything in writing??????? WHAT IS IN THOSE ACCORDIONS OF TRUTH™ DUDE, PULL OUT SOME GODDAMN EVIDENCE.

i’m not even convinced kenny is lying but what i do know is that he’s a fool, because samiah pulls out evidence that he transferred the car over to her while he still cannot produce even one measly slip of paper that supports his assertion that the money he gave samiah was a loan. kenny and greg start screaming at each other (it’s hilarious, greg has had it with this dude) and kenny’s case is dismissed for perjury? anyhow, judgment for bank robber #2!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: when samiah accused kenny of sleeping with a crackhead greg asked his witness (a toothless man named charles who looks as if he’s cozied up to a rock or twelve in his day) to testify about kenny’s sexual proclivities. charles says he doesn’t know kenny to associate with crackheads, and as he sits back down the judge says, “thank you, sir. i just wanted to get an expert opinion.”

*bangs gavel*