plaintiff: steven and whitney from renton, washington. if you squint without focusing too hard on the screen steven is a dead ringer for jason momoa. he’s wearing a cozy black sweater and grey slacks, and his beard is groomed for the gods. whitney looks so much like this girl i know that i held the computer up to my face to get a closer look at her, and she has brown hair and is wearing a charcoal grey sleeveless v-neck apron dress with a collar (???) which is how i knew she absolutely was not my fucking friend.
defendant: jimmy from sidell, louisiana. jimmy looks like miniature slenderman or a younger, more vitamin-deficient blues brother in his fitted black suit, white shirt, and skinny black tie. jimmy has a very sharp jaw, which i find incredibly appealing, and a neat little beard. you know who he reminds me of? michael voltaggio from top chef! he has that same underfed and slightly dangerous energy. i’m into it. his accordion of truth™ is into it, too. (that was so dumb i apologize!!)
the complaint: steven and his girlfriend are suing their former roommate for rent and a cleaning fee.
what do they want: $1850 countersuit because i don’t already have enough problems apparently: jimmy would like $2050 for personal property.
how it went down: whitney begins by saying that in february of 2019 she and her boyfriend needed a roommate, and she found jimmy and “took a chance with him.” man, i’m a fucking bitch, because all i can think is “you and your man needed a roommate together and you’re acting like you did this guy a fucking favor???” more nerve than a toothache, babe. it’s always somebody struggling the exact same amount you are trying to act like they’re doing some shit for you. where’s the guillotine.
whitney continues, saying she thought jimmy was a nice guy and they let him move in shortly after meeting him but things started getting “weird” a couple weeks into their living together, e.g. one night steven woke up to find jimmy hovering over his side of the bed watching them sleep. OH MY GOD. steven interjects that twice that night he asked jimmy what he was doing and got no response, but the third time he raised his voice at him and jimmy snapped out of it. it turns out he was sleepwalking. okay dude, not that it makes it less startling or more okay but at least that shit is medical??
whitney says that she doesn’t know whether or not jimmy is sexist, but he never wanted to talk to her, he only wanted to talk to steven and she didn’t like that and decided he hates women. i don’t know, sis. maybe he was just trying to keep a respectful distance and not incur the wrath of your man? unless my guy is walking through the house shouting WOMEN DON’T DESERVE RIGHTS maybe he just didn’t want to give either of you the impression that he was flirting or maybe he just didn’t, ya know, fucking vibe with you?????? every time someone is rude to me i think “ugh, i have a bad personality” and try to figure out a way to be less dumb. you know what the world needs? more anxious people who hate themselves and assume nobody likes them!
jimmy says that when he was a teenager he had a bad drug problem and he went to prison three times for drugs, assault, and robbery. he turned his life around the third time he was in prison and he got out, he got a job as a plumber, and he got married, but he eventually separated from his wife and that’s why he moved in with whitney and steven. jimmy explains that the sleepwalking is a result of ptsd, and he says that the reason he didn’t really talk to whitney is because they’d once asked him to have a threesome with them and he’d refused, plus he’d witnessed several instances of steven cheating on whitney, and that made shit extremely awkward. he felt uncomfortable talking to her because steven was confiding all of his infidelities in him. see what i mean? gloria steinem over there is about to burn this dude like an underwire bra when the real problem is her philandering ass man!!
jimmy says that steven would ask him to leave the apartment when he and whitney were “going to have friends over,” and greg gives jimmy a hard time because he doesn’t buy that they’d kick him out so they could have wild sex. but then steven admits that yes he and whitney would have threesomes and group sex and they would indeed ask jimmy to vacate the premises so they could get busy. first of all, knock me over with a feather because this woman is not who i would peg (pun intended) as being down for sex parties, and second of all verdict for the defendant. you wanna sue me when you kept asking me to leave the room i was paying for so you could get laid??? electric chair!
whitney has an accordion of truth™ absolutely stuffed with sheets of printer paper, and she hands the judge many lease agreements and outlines of damages to prove her case. she says that jimmy left to go visit his brother in may, she and steven both texted him to see when he was coming back but he responded “who is this,” and she got a bad feeling from that text so she changed the locks on him. uh oh, sounds like an illegal eviction to me! idk there is just something soooooo angelica pickles about her and i simply cannot stand it. jimmy says that he told them in early may that he would be out by june 7th, and when he came to pick up his things the locks had been changed, which whitney admits to doing on june 3rd. jimmy also says that the contract she just handed the judge was illegal, because according to the building manager whitney and steven weren’t allowed to sublet rooms in their apartment without putting the additional person on their lease which they definitely did not do. it’s always wild to me when shit like this happens, when some asshole engaged in shady activity is so blindly self-righteous about exacting revenge or being right that they go to court to defend their actions? why not just take the L, girl!
the ruling: greg says he can’t enforce an illegal eviction and i actually started laughing thinking about the kind of nerve it takes to fuck up your rental agreement by letting a strange man live in your spare bedroom, getting so mad that he won’t casually ask you how the weather is treating you that you change the locks when he goes to visit his sick brother, then bring him on tv to try to get rent money you aren’t even allowed to charge him!!! if i had even an ounce of that kind of confidence i could be president.
jimmy has a very nicely dressed witness who jumps up to malign steven and say that he heard him yelling at jimmy the day he came to retrieve his stuff. the judge asks what he was doing there and the witness, whose name i refuse to rewind to figure out, says he was waiting in the trailer he had gotten to help jimmy move. the judge says “if you had a trailer and some help you should have gotten all your stuff.” can’t argue with that, i guess? man, if dude had just sat there and ate his food and tried not to get two minutes of camera time the judge was ready to give jimmy the money for his framed photos (??) and falling apart bed frame (???,) but he didn’t so jimmy’s case is dismissed, too. see everybody at the next orgy!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “so, they don’t mind when you hear their 1-on-1 sex, but you gotta leave when they have their 2-on-1 sex??”
*bangs gavel*