who's on judge mathis today? #86

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: devonta from milwaukee, wisconsin. i mean this with absolutely ZERO SHADE but i cannot tell if devonta is 12 or 120 years old. at first glance he looks a little bit like young michael from good times but, like, young young michael. it’s uncanny. idk he really looks like he could be my teenage son? is he even old enough to be suing an adult in court???? anyway devonta, short in stature but strutting into the courtroom with the confidence of of a defensive tackle, is wearing his dad’s best dress-up sweater with a dark grey dress shirt beneath and black slacks. his accordion of seventh period geometry homework™ is at his side.

defendant: samantha from milwaukee, wisconsin. lmao serves me fucking right for clowning this (extremely young) man, of course his woman is named samantha! samantha is wearing a navy pantsuit and there is something not right about it but i can’t pinpoint exactly what? anyway she’s wearing a pink and navy plaid dress shirt under this weirdly gaping jacket and you know what? i love a bold choice!

the complaint: devonta claims his ex-girlfriend cheated on him with her ex, and he’s suing her for a security deposit and rent. samantha is countersuing for $1000 for, wait for it, a security deposit and rent! do you think this is for the same apartment? why am i always being tested!!!

what does he want: $1200, which means some of y’all should probably consider moving to milwaukee. rent and security? a bargain!

how it went down: okay this is a first, devonta kicks it off reintroducing himself to the judge by reminding him that he was on the show in 2014 suing his mother. I AM AGOG. i was not aware that you could be extremely litigious in this small scale kind of way. two trips to judge mathis??? why not just stop lending people money! devonta met sam in 2013 and says they had a “nice relationship” but that sam is “kinda promiscuous and whatnot.” you already know how i feel about a statement like this. first of all, there’s no such thing; she’s a grown woman, she can do what she wants. but second of all?? say it with your chest, you coward! if you’re gonna bring me on tv to cast aspersions about my sexual history be loud about it; name every single person i’ve ever slept with, the number of times, and whether or not i was in a committed, monogamous relationship at the time of the sex. if you can’t do that, with written proof, you cannot comment on a person’s sexual history. that’s the law.

devonta says that sam got pregnant while he was “out running the streets and whatnot” and he ended up going to prison for two and a half years. see???? of course it’s a person who spent years in literal prison for committing multiple crimes out here trying to paint somebody with the slut brush, and whatnot. more! nerve! than! a! toothache!! devonta says that upon his release he “decided to be with samantha” but she was out there doing her own thing which, again, is a hilarious thing to say? 2+ years in prison and you’re not in a serious relationship and she’s supposed to, what, put her pussy in a glass case on a high shelf until you return? i forget sometimes what being in a relationship with a man is like but is this really how it goes??

you know greg doesn’t play that slutshamey shit and he tells devonta that unless he has evidence that sam cheated on him he needs to shut the fuck up and move his case along. well, not exactly, but close. and of course devonta does not, he was just trying to make sam look bad on tv. sam says that she met devonta at job corps and they dated for nine months before she got pregnant. sam says devonta told her he was too young to be a father (i knew it!) even though he already had a child with someone else (wait, what), and that he said she should either have an abortion or prepare to raise the child alone. sam wanted the baby so she had her, but devonta says his objection was because sam already had two other kids and he also suspected she was cheating. listen, most of us have a lot of time on our hands right now but still, i cannot even imagine having three children and going to work and having time to maintain the three separate relationships devonta is claiming sam was carrying on? like, when would she sleep??

okay so we’re still tangled in the details of this alleged “cheating,” and the judge asks devonta why he suspected sam of cheating and why, even if it were true, he would refuse to be in the life of his child. devonta says that he would go through sam’s phone (foul on the play!) and see messages from her other children’s fathers. greg is like “what type of messages” and devonta splutters and doesn’t really answer and listen if you’re mad because ol boy wanted to drop some pampers off for his son or whatever mannnn you are the worst! she’s not supposed to have a texting relationship with her kid’s dad??? what in the WORLD.

greg asks how old the baby is and sam says that she’s four now and says that devonta has seen her three times in the last year and has given sam $218 over the lifetime of the child. *heavy negro spiritual sigh* why hasn’t she bludgeoned him to death yet? sam seems like a nice person and it’s clear she has the patience of a saint, but the USDA says it costs approximately $233,610 to raise a child to age 17 and that breaks down to about $13,742 per year, and i know many of us were raised on much less but listen brother if your half of these first four years is $27,484 and she’s only seen a measly $218 LITERALLY HOW DARE YOU. how dare you worry about who she texts, how dare you bring her on television over a rent payment, and how dare you be of visibly indeterminate age so i can’t gauge how furious to be while watching this shit!

the ruling: it took 6:41 to get to the actual facts of the case, i’m dying! devonta agreed to pay a $600 security deposit and $300 a month for rent on an apartment he and sam moved into. devonta says he moved out when he “caught [sam] up” (the alleged, unproven cheating) and immediately moved out leaving both sam and his daughter alone. he explains that after he moved out he continued giving sam money here and there to “help her out” but does this young man truly not understand his role in the life of this child or is he just playing dumb or what. the judge asks him as much and devonta says he wants the money he gave sam back and greg says, “okay then what you need to do is go into your daughter’s stomach and dig that money out” and for a second i wanted to die because that sounds revolting but yes he has a point: devonta is still tens of thousands of dollars short on his contributions to raising this human child, so getting this little bullshit money back is an exercise in futility. and also, HOW DARE HE??? his case is dismissed, sam’s is granted, and in the hallway after the verdict devonta says “i ain’t no babysitter” (okay????) so godspeed to that poor girl although from the sound of it maybe she is better off!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “maybe those men were texting her because they actually wanted to be around their children, did you ever think of that?”

*bangs gavel*

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