who's on judge mathis today? #87

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: angelle from new iberia, louisiana. ooh, that is a fancy name for a town! angelle is wearing a snug cherry red sweater with ruffle detailing on the arms and black pants. her hair is in these real cute ringlets that are dyed platinum blonde on the ends, i’m sure there’s a name for it but her hair is like, half root color and half blonde and i like it. she’s also wearing red lipstick and hoop earrings, so i’m obviously on her side from the jump.

defendant: sabrina from new iberia, louisiana. a vision! sabrina is wearing a royal blue a-line dress that’s fitted on the tits but flares out right beneath them, topped by a bright red blazer, the kind that isn’t supposed to close because it doesn’t have zippers or buttons or enough fabric to wrap around an average-sized human body. it’s another pointless fat lady jacket™ that they really should just stop making. it’s like, we know you don’t want your arms out but you think a cardigan is too casual so here’s this piece of stiff cloth that’s supposed to look like office wear lol joke’s on you if you actually get chilly tho! sabrina is wearing a deep fuchsia matte lipstick and has long luxurious hair and she looks mad as fuck.

the complaint: angelle is suing her former friend for a breach of contract.

what does she want: $195. ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT. okay i see why sabrina’s pissed, babe! you are not allowed to bring people to court for an amount of money you could find if you just went through all of the jackets in your closet!

how it went down: angelle says she met sabrina six years ago when she (sabrina) was a host and performer at a local open mic night. angelle is a poet and they became friends. uh oh, POET DRAMA. sabrina interrupts to say “i was a friend, you never were,” and i have never been more thrilled because if you have any poets in your life you know exactly how this is going to go down. it’s too bad they couldn’t film this on location in the back of a dimly-lit dive bar crowded with people who smell like they rolled around in incense snapping their fingers at the end of every poignant stanza.

angelle says that when she met her sabrina was in an abusive relationship and sabrina, who has not stopped intensely staring at angelle throughout this entire exchange, interrupts to say “how friendly of you to mention that.” *snaps* greg admonishes sabrina to stop interrupting and warns her that if she does it again he will have her removed from the courtroom. damn! angelle clarifies that sabrina was in a verbally abusive relationship and that she was a confidant for her during that time. not for nothing, if you were my confidant during a shitty relationship and you bring me on tv and tell everybody in america about it, maybe you really should stop calling yourself my friend. *snaps*

greg is team sabrina and asks angelle for a specific instance in which sabrina came to her to cry on her shoulder and i’m not exactly sure why, but i think he wants to prove that she’s not as much of a friend as she claims to be. it’s hard to tell. angelle kind of stumbles over her words while answering and sabrina says “keep it cute” (wait would i die for sabrina??? probably!) and then angelle says that last night sabrina texted her that she was filing for sole custody of her child against “someone” and i would just like to remind everyone that she is putting all sabrina’s potentially dangerous business out on front street over one hundred and ninety-five mother fucking dollars.

angelle says that they’ve performed together and been friends for six years and sabrina interrupts yet again, this time to say “frenemies, boo!” and the judge is irritated so he turns to get her side of the story, saying “okay now you better have something to say.” *snaps* sabrina begins by telling greg “it’s nice to see you again” in this kind of sexy voice and i brace myself for a shocking revelation but it turns out that she just snuck in to see him speak when she was in college. sabrina says she’s sorry if she’s coming off ugly or bitter, but when she met angelle (here’s where she starts crying on cue, an admirable skill) she saw a young career-driven black woman that she admired her and she tried to be a true friend to her. *snaps* she says for six years angelle has ridiculed her and talked shit about her behind her back. angelle, who had been playing the innocent role up until now, jumps in to demand “HOW??” and then greg has to jump in even louder to get them to shut up and wow is this uncomfortable!

the judge asks sabrina to give him some evidence of the ridicule and she tells this long story about how she’s in a relationship and has a man so she was mostly staying home with her man and cooking for him and oh by the way did you know she’s in love with her man? *snaps* anyway she says that one night angelle asked her to go out for cocktails because she loves cocktails and sabrina agreed to pry herself away from her man (what a sacrifice) to do karaoke with her friend, and while she was onstage singing and the crowd was loving her angelle sent her a text that was supposed to go to her other friend saying that she should’ve left sabrina at home. i’m not sure that qualifies as ridicule? but it’s definitely shitty friend behavior! can you sue someone for that? somebody needs to add that shit to the constitution! *snaps*

the ruling: on may 4th angelle was producing a male strip show and she asked sabrina to host and said sabrina liked to be paid in bundles which, i am assuming, in this instance refers to fake hair? i am out of my depth because i shaved all my hair off in 1996 and have refused to learn anything about complicated grooming procedures since, but judging by the length of sabrina’s weave i assume that’s what she means. sabrina again interrupts angelle to tell her to explain to the judge (and the rest of us) what “bundles” means and oops there goes her case, judgment for the plaintiff due to sabrina’s contempt of court i.e. wearing out greg mathis’s patience. *snaps*

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you smoke weed? do you smoke weed??? what’s wrong with your memory! y’all need prayer!”


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