plaintiff: teresa from lancaster, california. teresa looks very nice and professional in a navy blazer and matching navy shirt with rust-colored slacks. her hair is pulled back in a slick ponytail and her accordion of truth™ is ready for action.
defendant: richana from lancaster, california. okay work with me on this analogy but richana looks like the ugly duckling before version of the goofy romantic lead in a romcom trope? like, she’s obviously incredibly tall and thin and beautiful but she’s wearing brown rectangular glasses and her hair is up in a bun, but you know as soon as she peels off that conservative-looking high-waisted pencil skirt and lets her hair down that the hot jock whose papers she is secretly writing is finally gonna see her for the beautiful swan she actually is and fall madly in love. all she needs to do is tuck those bulky, oversized glasses into her accordion of truth™ while dramatically releasing her hair from its bun and she will be immediately transformed and cast a romance spell on everyone she meets. honestly? i would watch this movie!
the complaint: teresa believes believes her sister had a crush on her boyfriend, and is suing her for lost wages and emotional distress.
what does she want: $3000!! a hefty sum!
how it went down: teresa begins by saying she and richana were very close growing up, but then she (teresa) went away to work corps (??) and came back with a boyfriend and then everything between them changed. greg is like “what’s work corps?” and teresa gives a weird, rambling explanation about helping firefighters or some shit and greg says “huh, sounds court-ordered” and i need you to know that i almost threw my laptop across the room? WHY IS HE SO FUNNY. teresa says that richana would “start little arguments” with her boyfriend all the time, which led her to believe she had a crush on him. as a person whose flirting style is shouting “yikes, you need a haircut!” directly into someone’s face, i can relate.
richana says that no, she most certainly did not have a crush on teresa’s boyfriend, the only time she would engage with him was when he was fighting with teresa and richana would have to come to her little sister’s defense. teresa concedes that this is true and wow what a leap, accusing her of having a crush on your dude when she was actually trying to help you out? electric chair! richana says that the boyfriend is controlling and teresa won’t do anything unless he approves of it first, and that when he is disrespecting her sister while in their home yes she checks him. is this not...how it’s supposed to work??
greg says that richana just might have to accept the fact that her sister doesn’t want her interference, especially if the arguments between teresa and her boyfriend don’t escalate to physical or verbal abuse. richana says that dude hasn’t hit her sister but the boyfriend does sometimes call her out of her name. i don’t know if i could just stand by and watch someone call my sister a bitch (especially since that’s my job!!!) but greg says it’s what richana has to do if her sister has asked her not to get involved.
okay i don’t know why they wasted so much time with the shitty boyfriend because buckle in for THIS BUMPY RIDE: in november of 2015 richana got into a car accident, hitting another car, and when the cop came to take her information she gave them teresa’s fucking name. teresa ended up having to go to court on five separate occasions trying to dispute the ticket because she wasn’t even in the state at the time of the accident ( ! ) and on multiple occasions she asked richana to go with her to court so she could take accountability and get the case out of teresa’s name and she wouldn’t. the ticket was eventually dismissed because the officer didn’t show up to court, but then teresa was sued by the people whose car her sister hit, to the tune of $28,000. i am apoplectic!
the ruling: okay so the “nice sister” veil comes all the way off and richana, who should be very sorry and extremely embarrassed, starts shouting (ohmygod) indignantly about how she tried to “help put something on” the money that was being garnished from teresa’s wages (!!!!!!!!i would go to jail! for murdering my sister!) as a result of the judgment entered against her in the lawsuit of the people whose car was wrecked by richana. let me say that again because the rage is clouding my field of vision and i am typing this in a fugue state: richana! is yelling! at her sister! about a fraud she committed against her!!!!!!!!! imagine if she’d gone to court to confess her crime to the judge rather than yelling at teresa’s boyfriend or whatever the fuck? don’t protect her from him, protect her from yourself!!!!!!!!!
once again greg has to remind us that he actually went to law school and says that suing for the wages richana caused teresa to miss is “restitution” and that’s something you can only get through criminal court. he asks teresa what her emotional distress claim is for and that must just be a formality because, uhhh, have you been listening??? teresa says that not only is there that judgment against her but her license has also been suspended and i am getting lightheaded just imagining how hard i would lose my shit on one of my sisters if they did this to me. greg grants teresa’s entire judgment as “emotional distress,” and i’m hoping there’s a cage back at the hotel they can fight to the death in!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: [to richana] “be quiet, be quiet! what makes you think you can mess over somebody like this, commit fraud against them, wreck their car, and then talk about ‘i can give you what i can?’ where you been???”