who's on judge mathis today? #89

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: jenine from niagara falls, new york. okay y’all already know that i am very stupid but let me prove it once again: i had no idea that niagara falls is a place a person could be from. i thought it was just, like, you know, an occurrence in nature? i mean, this is as wild to me as if they’d said this caramel-colored diva with close-cropped platinum hair and a stunning bold turquoise overpiece (i think that might be a lane bryant word and not an actual designation for this loose, jacket-y piece of clothing but you know what the fuck i mean) was from the fucking grand canyon.

defendant: tameka from niagara falls, new york. there are two black women in this fictional town of niagara falls? wowie wow! tameka is dressed, baby. i’m talking a sleeveless black zip-up dressy club top with gilded layered ruffles both at the armhole and hem, bright tomato red pants, statement earrings, and her hair is pulled half-up and half-down, i think, and cascading regally from the top of her head almost exactly like, wait for it...niagara falls. (i’m so sorry.)

the complaint: jenine is suing her former friend for a loan and emotional distress.

what does she want: $1000, a perfectly reasonable amount. tameka is countersuing jenine for $1000, because she threatened to call immigration on her husband. what is the lawsuit term for that???

how it went down: jenine says she met tameka in 2017 “at one of [her] functions,” when she came up to her and let jenine know that her (jenine’s) husband had been trying to marry her (tamekia). damn, how does that work?? “hi, nice to meet you, this party is great i love the crostinis, did you know your husband tried to marry me????” jenine went and questioned her husband about it and he said that was a lie. what a wild and hilarious thing to make up about a person! jenine said that she respected how tameka operated, that she appreciated her confrontational nature despite the drama she’d tried to stir up, so she decided to be friends with her. see this is the type of female solidarity i like to see! now in my extended fantasy sequence jenine would then leave her husband, scoop up tameka and a bunch of bras to burn, then go join a lesbian commune somewhere, but “friendship” is as good a start as any.

jenine says her husband and tameka are both jamaican and they would often run into each other at jamaican functions in the community. 1 i love love love when people call parties “functions” and 2 i love love love love any kind of jamaican party, so basically i would love to join this harem if they are accepting new members. jenine says that they argued over the husband thing but then got over it and became close, and jenine got attached to tameka and to her children because her son had been murdered at county by COs. damn, that’s heartbreaking. jenine sued the county and won, which is a surprise because we never see real justice? so hallelujah for that.

jenine says that she and tameka are very close, they confide in each other and have secrets and all that juicy friendly shit. tameka begins by saying “your honor, i’m so over it with jenine,” and he says “yeah, that’s usually how it is when you owe people money.” yikes! tameka says jenine isn’t telling the marriage story right and greg, on behalf of us all, asks her to please tell him how her husband ended up proposing to this other woman. was she just walking down the street and he called out, “hey! i wanna marry you!” or were they secretly seeing each other or what? tameka says she’s known jenine’s husband and his family for a while and he would regularly visit from jamaica and he once asked her to marry him for immigration purposes. OKAY, TAMEKA. get outta here with this salacious bullshit like dude was sweating you for love when he was just trying to make a better life for himself! imagine confronting someone to tell them this like it’s a scandal!

tameka says her friendship with jenine hasn’t been as peaches and cream as the other woman is making it seem (wait, is that poetry) and that jenine is bossy and controlling. for example, jenine was hosting a function and she asked tameka, who is a self-proclaimed “very good cook,” to make food for it. greg says “you cook akee?” and tameka responds “yah, mon. and salt fish! i got some in my fridge right now!” then greg, to doyle, says, “that’s my favorite jamaican food! follow her home after the show.” LMAO GREG STOP. anyway tameka says she agreed, but she also has a job as an aide and had to work at the time of the event so she offered to make the food beforehand. “I EJECT!” interrupts jenine, and you know what? so do i. eject me from this couch right into the sun so i don’t have to watch this stupid case any more. tameka continues, saying that jenine was mad that she was going to do her other job when she wanted tameka to prioritize her event. does this have something to do with the loan??

jenine interrupts again, saying she needs to correct tameka’s story, and she says that she didn’t even really know tameka like that to be asking her to cater her events. hold up, though: didn’t she say earlier that they met because of the whole husband thing and then they became friends? you already know i am not rewinding to the beginning of this case and i’m definitely not scrolling up to read what i already typed, so let’s let chaos reign. i mean, seriously though, what the fuck is she talking about??

okay, finally, the loan: jenine says that tameka, who she is now professing not to know that well, called her multiple times asking for money but she didn’t feel comfortable giving it to her behind her husband’s back. why not? i mean, would he care? tameka was almost his wife!! jenine says tameka called her from the bus one day asking her for $540 because her car had been repossessed and she needed to get it back. jenine went behind her husband’s back and did it anyway but somehow it got back to him. i’m not sure how we’re supposed to feel about that? i do shit my old lady doesn’t know about literally every day but it’s not nefarious it’s just, i don’t know, being a person minding my own business? i mean, i know money is the X factor in this equation but also, like, if $540 is going to destroy your marriage maybe don’t give it to a lady you don’t like that much??? i guess i’m just gagged that she’s making the husband a big deal to the court when he didn’t seem to be that big of a deal to the decision-making???????????

greg asks the terms of the loan and jenine breaks down laughing and says that tameka was supposed to repay her with...her income tax return. you already know!! everyone in the courtroom busts out laughing. greg says, “you know better than that! i should throw you out my courtroom!” jenine gives greg a bunch of printed out text sheets™ in which tameka was cussing her out and calling her a bitch and sending her pictures of money orders to taunt her. like i won’t drive over to your fucking house to snatch that shit out your hand? don’t clown on me, bitch! jenine has also brought a recording of tameka to court today, and this is so bold from a broke motherfucker who owes you money she needed to re-possess (see what i did there) her car???

the recording is as fucking reckless as you think it is, with tons of bleeped out FUCKS and SHITS that are absolutely shocking to the judge. what piece am i missing here? she went from begging for cash to “fuck you bitch” in a matter of days? WHAT IN THE WORLD. greg says he has a “pottymouth” (omg what, who knew i could fall deeper in love) but even he doesn’t cuss that much! jenine is pulling printed out text sheet™ after printed out text sheet™ full of evidence in which tameka is saying she’s going to pay her back and at this point i’m like what can she even say???

the ruling: tameka says that everything jenine is alleging is bullshit and that she only owes her $40 for a phone jenine bought her at walmart, and she’s shuffling papers and shit around but greg is like “then why did you tell her you were going to pay her the money back if you don’t actually owe her???” then tameka shifts gears and says that jenine went to her husband’s job and threatened to tell immigration on him except joke’s on her he has his papers, and yes that’s fucking shitty if it’s true but also: WHAT ABOUT THIS MONEY FOR THE CAR. greg says he understands that’s what her counterclaim is for but you can’t just not pay because you got mad!

the judge asks jenine about her emotional distress claim and she says that’s because tameka left her a voicemail saying she has five good, strong kids and jenine’s only son is dead. yo if that’s real????? that’s fucking hell behavior!!!! let’s get to the tape! sure enough, jenine plays another tape and it’s tameka, clear as day, telling her that she brought five lives into the world and she still has those five lives because she’s a good person. and she keeps saying it, over and over and over again, “i still got my five lives, and that’s why you’re sad.” wow, what a bitch! greg is in disbelief and tells tameka she’s low for that foul shit and dismisses her case. judgment for the plaintiff, and a “god bless you” from pastor greg to boot.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: greg, to tameka: “YOU’RE THE WORST, MA’AM.”

*bangs gavel*